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#900900 01/28/01 11:44 PM
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opdam Offline OP
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Hi,<P>By now most people know my story, I am the WS but hope to change my ways, and have begun to do so already. My W and I still live together, sleep in the same bed, wear our wedding rings, and are civil with each other. We have began to try an move forward and I know she is sorting all her feelings at this time. I have seen a counselor and will be changing in an attempt to win my wifes love back.<BR>Anway, the other night we were talking about a different kind of situation. I am in the process of possibly getting a job which would be an extreme career advancement, but would require me to be gone for about ten months right off the bat. Now, this job would not take effect for at least another year, but there is a continuos process I must follow. If I would get the job, a move would be required.<BR>So, the other night I asked my W what she thought about me continuing the process. I told her that I am leaning away from continuing the process for these two reasons. 1.) If we stay together (and I pray we will) I don't think it would be wise for me to leave when we would most likely be rebuilding our marriage 2.) If we would split up (which I try not to think of) I would be out of state and never see the kids. <BR>I know it is tough to make decisions when she is going through all the emotions, but I thought this was something we should talk about. She kind of looked at me and said "You should do whatever you want to better yourself, right now i can't worry about your career." I understand that and tried to explain again why I don't think I should continue and she basically told me she can't worry about it now. <BR>Well, anyway I have decided not to continue in the process. I think I am making the correct decision for whatever path we travel down. My hope is we continue our life together, and by not proceeding it will make it easier to rebuild our love and life together. I will do anything to win her love back. I know it will take alot, but I know she and the kids are most important in my life and there will be other jobs, maybe never a chance at another family.<BR>Is it normal for her to feel this way, even though she has comunicated about other things in the future? Maybe this is just too much to think about on top of everything and I should not have bothered her with it, but I know it is a decision that affects everyone so I brought it up.<BR>Hope everyone has a great day !!

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Is it normal for her to feel this way, even though she has comunicated about other things in the future?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Opdam,<BR>Yes, I think it's normal. In the days immediately following dday, my W (ws) and I both told each other we were 100% committed to rebuilding the marriage.<P>When the shock of the first couple weeks wore off, I realized that I was nowhere near 100% committed, I was feeling too many things, and I have to wait and see how she comes out of this.<P>I think this is what your W feels. She has a commitment, because she's still there with you, but she's still too hurt to comment on things like your carreer - it implies forgiveness, and she's not ready to give you that yet though I think, like I did, she said "I forgive" right away. It was too soon. <P>You did the right thing though. Tell her you're 100% committed, and that you've made a choice based on that. She may not say so, but inside it will mean something to her. <P>I re-read your original post here - that's how I knew she told you she forgave you. Though I think she needs more time, I'm impressed that you felt you had to confess to her. We're dealing with a much worse situation in my family because my W did not have the courage to do what you did. <P>Keep showing her your love. Make her feel safe - let her know where you are at all times. Don't drink, at least not away from home. <P>Her pain runs deep Opdam, but you have repented, and your affairs were what I would put in the category of "indiscressions". Not to minimize, but you have less issues to deal with moving forward. I'm sure you'll be ok. Take one step at a time. <P>Dave

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Opdam,<P>I am a BS and D-Day was just three weeks ago for me. I feel you are doing the right thing by backing down from the career change, your wife needs to know that she and the family come first in your mind and you need to prove that to her in every imaginable way you can think of!<P>My H. is still in limbo and has committed and uncommitted to me twice in the past three weeks, that to me is the most frustrating and painful thing of all this mess so far. If you have committed to her 100% and you waiver from day to day, please just ride it out and don't say anything until your thoughts are more consistant, commitment is what put you into your marriage and commitment is what will ultimately pull you out of this whole mess.<P>Good Luck!

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opdam Offline OP
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To wifeofcop,<P>wifeofcop, hmmmmm. If this means what is says my wife could have the same name as you. You said your H wavered back and forth between commitment and noncommitment. My original problem after I confessed was that I did not confess everything in full, I left out some things, but eventually told her everything. She was obvioussly upset because everytime she tried to get her head above water, I pushed it back under. It has been six days since I told her the last of everything, so we are fresh out of the gate on this whole deal.<BR>In regards to the 100% commitment, that is there on my part right now. My affairs were one night deals with no other meetings or feeling for the women. In a matter of fact they were not even whole night deals, but none the less, still affairs.<BR>I am not going to proceed with the job, and am actually looking into changing careers because it will be better for my family. I have enough education and experience to probably go into several other type of career fields.<BR>Thanks for your response!!

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Opdam,<P>In all that you do, all that you say, put your wife and her feelings first. I believe that has extremely significant impact for a BS. I know it has for me, in rebuilding trust towards my H (WS).<P>You have made the right decision to put off career moves for now and to focus your energy into the marriage and recovery. I believe you would have sincerely regretted the other path . . .


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