Hey everybody...long time no hear. Just wanted to let you know the scoop with me and L_I_L. I do not post here much because I don't know if she still comes here or not. Didn't want to LB on here, but sometimes the truth just hurts. I need to express myself too. <P>Let me start by saying she is deeper in the grip of the affair than she ever was. OM pays to fly her to Texas from South Carolina every other weekend. (And I have to compete with "He is generous with his money" as one of his qualities she adores...ROFL, Cut him off one time and see how quick he is to fly her out there the next time) <P>Neither here nor there....<P>The last time I wrote, at Thanksgiving time, my wife had asked me to take a 7 day break from the woman I was seeing, and she would also from the OM. I did, which led to the ending of my new relationship, but L_I_L then proceeded to fly out and spend the week in TX. Smooth move, broke us up, kept me, the backup plan available, then got her jollies with her boyfriend.<P>I decided to try real hard one more time and we spent a lot of time together before Xmas. I even took her car and did a brake job and other repairs it needed as a practical present. We were both going to NY for Xmas, she to her Mom, me to mine. It is a 4 hour drive between them, so I asked would she rather be together Xmas day or our anniversery, the 28th. She asked me to come home to SC for our anniversery. We had talked of new starts for the new year, etc. <P>Anyway, I drove 1300 miles and got home at 0600 on our anniversery. Stopped at L_I_L's apartment and we actually snuggled down and fell asleep together. I had to go to physical therapy for my knee at 1400. When I got out, I called as we were to do fancy dinner for our anniversery. I called.....and called....and called...SHE FLEW TO TX ON OUR ANNIVERSERY!. AFTER, asking me specifically to come home for it!<P>She stayed there for New Years too. Flew back to TX 2 weekends later. <P>Last straw was her Birthday is this Friday. I asked her the other day if she would be in TX on it, and she said yes. I told her when she came back on New Years that her last chance for us was to end this crap by this past weekend, or I would. I did. I can not take this any more. I have needs and desires also, and I can not sit here forever waiting for her to slide off the fence one way or the other. I feel like she wants me to divorce her so she can say in her mind that I ended our marriage, not her. I have asked her but she says she doesn't want me to file. Nor is she in any rush to move to TX.<P>Divorce sucks, but I am so ready for it now I can taste it. South Carolina stinks because you HAVE to wait a year after separtion to get divorced. Oh Well....4 months to go and counting.

SS4N,<P>I am sorry to hear this news. But with what she has pulled it is clear that she really doesn't want to be married and has no respect for you. It seems to me it is time to slip over to the D/D board. I am sorry I can not offer anything any more useful.<P>We tried to talk to LIL but all she would claim was that she was willing to work on it. Apparently, not. You don't work on a marriage by flying to Tx on your anniversary after claiming you wanted to be together.<P>I really wish there was something else to offer. I would suggest that for the next four months that you concentrate on you. Don't date, you don't want to get into the same situation with LIL or hurt your date when you are in the middle of things.<P>The ball was in her court and it seems she kicked it into the stands. I am sure it is romantic to fly to TX for the weekends, and scr-- your brains out, but once the marriage is over and he has to deal with her everyday, the fog may lift abit.<P>It will be too late, so sad.<P>Come and post SS4N, it really doesn't matter much what she reads does it? Time to do some healing.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks JL....I needed a vent today. As everyone here knows....this was not what I wanted. <P>Please everyone....call me Joel. I hate all the secrecy and anonymity associated with affairs. My name is Joel and I am not ashamed to say so.<P>Thanks,<P>Joel (the BS formerly known as SS4N)

Joel,<P>It will be a pleasure. And do come and vent. As you know this place is good for that.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Joel...<P>I have to agree with JL... it is sad that your wife chooses to continue this behavior thouh. Sounds like you have done all you can do, and you can be proud of yourself.<P>Kathi

Joel -<P>I sent you an email yesterday - wondering what was going on with you and LIL. I guess this post answers it.<P>You know how I feel about all of this - I really felt like - maybe - LIL was finally coming out of the fog. I guess that was wishful thinking on my part. I guess that kind of explains why she hasn't emailed me in a long time.<P>Out of all the people on this board, you were one of the ones who tried the hardest. And, I guess I just wanted to apologize to you - if I did anything to prolong this agony for you. But, I really thought LIL was going to try. <P>I don't know why, but your situation - well, it really makes me feel bad. And, I don't even know you two, that's the strange part. It's not that I know you won't survive and thrive after all this is over with, but I kind of feel sorry for LIL. It seems like she's just waiting for YOU or the OM to make this life decision for her. I mean, if she would just come right out and say "Hey, I'm going to be with the OM." - then at least you both would know where you stand. But, I guess that's irrelevant now.<P>I definitely think you have done everything that you can, and you should be very proud of that. I agree with JL - take it slowly over the next several months. I am sure that you will find someone else, that's not the point, just treat yourself well and take care of you.<P>I guess I knew this was coming, I'm just sorry, really, really sorry. I always hope that there's something that I can do to help, but it's in God's hands now. I'm sure he will work everything out for the best. You're a good guy.

Hey SKM and all....<P>I got your message a couple days ago, but wanted to see if L_I_L would commit to me or not. I know deadlines are not the MB way....but the MB way did nothing to bring her back...it just made me stronger. <P>Funny, you say you are propud of me. That is what L_I_L says too. She can't believe I fought for her so long. Says she can't tell me what I want to hear. Says she has done things that I could never forgive her for. SHe was wrong. I already did. But she really means she can't forgive HERSELF for doing them.<P>I will be ok. I will not sit in a Joel-pity party for a long time either. I need some companionship too, but I will not try to jump into a serious relationship right away either.<P>Thanks for all the help.....don't be a stranger!<P>Joel<P>PS I did make it another couple months thanks to SKM and her sound caring advice. Thanks again!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>but the MB way did nothing to bring her back...it just made me stronger. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Then it accomplished everything it was meant to. <P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Joel,<P>Reading SKM's post, I would have to second her feelings. I guess when I think back on it, it was L_I_L's post about having the affair but wanting to work on her marriage. That she didn't want to divorce you, that you had done so much to make it work. Those posts gave me hope that she would come out of the fog and see what she was losing. The post on Thanksgiving wanting you to get together with her, was obviously just a joke for all of us. She left for Tx.<P>Yet, she never did do anything except say she didn't want the divorce. Her latest actions over your anniverary are amazing. It shows an amazing like of honesty or ability to face your choices. So I think SKM is probably right as usual, LIL just wanted you to make the choice, all the while protesting that she really didn't want the marriage to end. Very noble. <P>Joel, do come and talk. It will help get some of this stuff out and settled for you. Do take the time to heal and be very thankful you never had children with this woman. She clearly isn't mature enough to have handled that burden.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited January 29, 2001).]

Joel,<BR>I'm very sorry for this.<BR>I think, your W doesn't want to be a bad guy.. She's already done terrible things then if she filed she will 100% to be blamed I guess she couldn't accept that. At least if you take actions for it in her mind she can think like, she really didnt want the divorce but her H wanted..<BR>My H left me and never showed he wanted to come back, but he couldn't file, and when we talked he often said, "so I'm the bad guy"..<P>I know there is a limit we all can take, and you are at the point right now. Do yourself a favor, and see what happens. I know you've learned a lot of things from this painful experience, but how you use these experience (to positive or negative) is your choice.. and I feel you will do well.<P>Meg<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited January 29, 2001).]

Why don't you file a fault divorce? You have grounds her affair. I hope you are not filing no fault for her benefit.<P>Then sue the OM for Alienation of Affection<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited January 29, 2001).]

Joel,<P>I could relate so much to your story. Many<BR>years ago something very similar happened to me and my friends kept saying I was nuts to try and hang on. I think down deep I was afraid of being single again. My therapist asked me if my cheating wife who constantly disrespected me in many ways like you was<BR>the only woman in the world that I could be<BR>happy (sic) with? I don't know why but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I filed for divorce and actually have not seen her in 10 years.<BR>Last year I met the woman I felt I was really supposed to have been with and my life and outlook has changed dramatically. I had to realize that the woman I originally married had turned into another person and I had to move on to save myself. I wish you luck in finding a better and brighter future and finding a woman who will love you and respect <BR>the institution of marriage. I was lucky and I think that you will be also.