Okay, I have been reading the posts on this forum for a few weeks now. And I still have no clue as to what most of the abbreviations stand for...like "OP" "MIL" or "WS". Nor have I been able to find anywhere that will give me that info. And what is "D-day"????<BR>It has been wonderful help to me though, reading everyone's posts. Make's me feel not so alone in the world. <BR>I also have another question I would be very grateful if anyone could help me with. Within this site I have read several times that if the lover is still in the picture then the first thing that needs to be done is to separate the spouse from the lover. Well what exactly to you do to accomplish that task? I mean do you just wait and hope that it ends soon, so that the spouses attention will hopefully come back to you? Or do you actually do something to try to end it? How far do you go? Is anything going to far? I'm just really confused as to how far I should go in the steps that I take that might accomplish this....I appreciate any feedback on any of this.<P> <<<<<johnnysgirl>>>>>>

johnnysgirl-sorry you're here, but now that you are you can be glad. . .you'll get tons of great advise & support here.<P>As far as how it works, go the the "Just Found Out" section and read NSR's Welcome to New Builders. It will explain alot.<P>OP=Other Person<BR>MIL=Mother in Law<BR>WS=Wayard Spouse<BR>D-day=the day the affair was discovered/revealed.<P>Read about plan A, it's what you need to be doing right now, for yourself & your spouse. Read all you can, then post again & give us some of your specific information and ask about whatever you're unsure about. As far as how to separate the WS from the lover, sometimes that's easier said than done. Read, read, read & then come back & post.<P>Good luck and again, you can be glad you found this site-you can't believe how much it's helped me already. You're at the right place!

Hi, Welcome!...checkout this URL it should answer your question:http:<P>//www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html<P>

Welcome <B>johnnysgirl</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Yes... a quick link to the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes</A> is ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>.<P>Your comment... "the first thing that needs to be done is to separate the spouse from the lover."...<BR>...would be the ideal...<BR>...but rarely will this happen on its own!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It is not a guarantee of separating your spouse from the OP...<BR>...but is there to help you until it does happen.<P>I've now gone on to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... and my divorce will come on March 19th. If it wasn't for doing <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and making myself a better person...<BR>...I never would have made it.<P>You are going to have to recognize that you can be a success story...<BR>...even if your marriage doesn't survive...<BR>Going into this with that attitude will help you no matter what the final outcome is.<P>Stay here... post... read... ask.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A><p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 30, 2001).]

Thank You Bitsy....and you also dumone...<BR>That really sheds a lot of light on things...<BR>It would take many a pages to even try to begin to tell my story. It's been going on for almost 2 years now. At one point the affair was supposedly over....if you want to call 3 weeks, over. Anyway the past last few weeks that I seen him, he had his stuff packed in his car more than anywhere else. Couldn't decide if he was coming home or going to stay with her. I figure that they would get in a fight, so he would pack up the car to come home, but then when I didn't react just the way he wanted he would pick a fight with me, say it was my fault, then leave. And if I would try to talk about what he was doing (cheating) he would just get mad and leave, saying how I couldn't just let things go....How do you let things go, when they haven't stopped happening yet? He keeps telling me that I am his one true love, but that we just can't live together. He gives up so easy, it really frustrates me. Because I have went through a lot for him and stood by him through some pretty tough rides. One of them being the time he spent in prison for 2 years. Of which I was never able to see him either. And now he has just gone back to prison on a violation, and I know I could use this time to my advantage. But I don't know how far to go with that. In Utah, the husband, wife thing is a major thing. And when your in prison, the only visitor of the opposite sex that your aloud to have is your wife, mother, or other "close" relative. I'm fairly certain, that if I chose to I could also call someone and make it to where her phone number would not be approved for his calling list.(Same reasons as for visiting) But would this accomplish anything? I just don't understand the crazy things he does anymore. Like when he was first arrested and put in jail, he calls me telling me how much he loves me, and how we need to move away from here. And how stupid he was for doing what he did. And please come to see him. So, like a dummy, I did. Guess who was in the parking lot when I pulled in? You got it, the OW. I don't know what I did, but when I got out of my truck, I noticed she was suddenly back in her car, and driving off!!! I know she couldn't have visited with him yet...I figure she must knew I would have pulled rank on her. (By the way, she was my hair dresser for 13 years, and she cut my boys' hair, since they could barely walk) Anyway, I ended up finding out that he was still telling her that he wanted to be with her. And I had just finally had enough, told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Waste of time, all he does is lie. I learned last week, that they had taken him back to the prison. Feels strange to not know what is going on with him. And I also know, because of the caller-id, that he called my mom's house one day last week. I wonder what he was calling for? Probably can't figure out why I haven't sent him a letter yet. I was very good about stuff like that. Sending letters, pictures, posters that I would make on the computer telling him how much I loved him. But I haven't sent him anything this time. And right at this moment I don't plan to either. However the thought of printing some of the concepts from this site and sending them to him has crossed my mind. I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I love him dearly. I know he can be a wonderful person. But he was raised and taught to deal with everything with spite. Not realizing that by doing so, he hurts himself (and me) the most. Sorry....I really kind of just rambled on here. Didn't mean to go on for so long. But that's kind of the jist of it all....Pretty crazy huh?

It sounds to me like the very first thing you have to do is decide if you want to fight for this man & you're marriage. If you do, you need to read about Plan A and start it. Plan A is about making yourself a better person, mostly for yourself, but also hopefully in making the changes you want to he will notice and respond.<P>All the things you're feeling & doing are normal human reactions (anger, hurt, confusion), he's hurt you and you're responding the way we all feel when we're hurt. . .but it will not accomplish what you want. It will not make him respond to you any differently than he has in the past. You have to remember that you can't change him, only you. Sometimes when we change ourselves we can get different reactions from the WS, even if it doesn't work that way, you will be better prepared for whatever life does hand you.<P>Please know that you are not alone. Keep reading the information here & keep posting. I've gained a lot of strenght from the knowledge I found here.

I know that is true. And when it really comes down to it, I don't want to be mean or resentful towards. I just want him to stop hurting me. The hardest part is that I know he loves me. We used to be the best of friends. He was the best friend I ever had in my whole life. I used to be really shy and have a real low self-esteem. He was able to get me out of my shell. Now I am even able to talk to people I don't know. (Never used to be able to) We did everything together. Where one went, the other was sure to follow. <P>So do I, or don't I? Should I write him a letter? Try just being a friend again? But I don't want him to think I'm weak, or that I will just be there no matter what he does to me. Nor do I want him to think that I don't care or that I have forgotten about him. <P>It seems so hopeless, no matter what I think about doing, nothing I could do would be right.<P>What do you think about him having his stuff packed in his car so much? Just indecisive? Last time I talked to him, he sounded like a stranger. But I think it was because he sounded so confused and I'm not used to hearing him sound that way. He is usually a person that knows what he wants and goes out and gets it. But with our relationship he has a tough time. It's almost as if he is afraid of loving me. I know that sounds weird, but my H is weird. He is definately one of a kind. I think thats why I fell for him so hard. Over and over again! When he first got out of prison and came back home. It was like being with a stranger. (2 years is a long time to not see someone) I was concerned that maybe I did not love him anymore....WRONG!!!! Within a couple of weeks I fell for him harder than I did the first time. It was strange. It was almost as if we had first met and started all over again. I wish we could do that now.....<P>By the way, I married him AFTER he got out of prison.<BR>He did not hurt anyone, or do anything against anyone when he went to prison. He was only hurting himself. It was for possession. (just in case you were wondering)<p>[This message has been edited by johnnysgirl (edited January 30, 2001).]

I'm at work now & only have a minute, but I'll write you more later, hopefully you'll get some other responses too in the meantime.<P>Please think about what YOU want, if you're going to commit to loving him, you need to really commit, or you'll lose hope. It's not easy. It's something I struggled with until just recently b/c, I'm not married to the man I write about on here & had a hard time deciding what I should do. (We were engaged & he is like a father to my girls, we were a family). I feel certain that I've come to a decision now & can fully commit.<P>I'll write you more later!