Hello, I am new to this forum, so I'll give a brief history and ask my questions. My H and I have been married 6 yrs. We have 4 small children including twins. I found out in spring of 2000 that my H had a one time PA during our first year of marriage, and that he was "talking" to a woman at his new job. I doubted at the time that it was strictly an EA, but he agreed that it was a betrayal and said he would end it. We did not seek professional counseling at the time but did go weekly to a informal marriage counseling group. He maintained from then until Dec 5, 2000 that he was not talking to her, and I believed him. Then a coworker called and told me the truth. Not only was this affair also physical, it was stronger now then it was in the spring. My H admitted to the whole thing. We separated (my Choice). He immediately got counseling and begged me not to divorce him. I am now at the point where I would like reconcilliation, But I am very scared!! My H states that he has no feelings for the OW and is not Going through Withdraw. Is this possible? If not, Will it hit him later. We are both in counseling, and reading books by Harley. Sorry this is so lengthy. Now to the point 1) Can a person change their feelings that quickly for the OW or is he just trying to keep his true feelings for the OW a secret? Is it possible to skip the Withdraw phase? 2) Since this is his 2nd A am I an idiot for trying AGAIN? Thanks for taking the time to read!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by scared2try:<BR><B>1) Can a person change their feelings that quickly for the OW or is he just trying to keep his true feelings for the OW a secret? Is it possible to skip the Withdraw phase? 2) Since this is his 2nd A am I an idiot for trying AGAIN? Thanks for taking the time to read!</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Scared2Try<P>I will answer you from my viewpoint. I am the WS in my marriage, and from my point of view I believe that I did not go through the withdrawel trauma that most other WS's seem to have. When I was found out I immediately cut all contact with the OW, and began to work on repairing my marriage. This has been quite a long and painful process but I do believe that my marriage now is stronger than it has ever been.<P>As to whether his feeling for the OW can change that quickly I guess it really depends on how long the affair lasted and how much emotions came into play. If it was a lengthy affair I would imagine that there would be some kind of emotional bonding between you H and the OW. Im my case the affair was very brief and I did not really feel any emotional contact with the OW so therefore in my case the feelings of withdrawel were not really evident.<P>Only you can decide how you feel about trying to rescue your relationship. You may need to change as will he, and it is only going to be through counselling and talking with each other that you can determine this. Do some reading. Many people on this site will suggest various books that you can read. Were you meeting each others EN? Do you even know what each others EN's are?<P>Dont know if this has been much help but I hope it has <P>Lizard<P>

scared2try,<P>I'm also a betrayed spouse, so I don't know if I can really answer well the question on withdrawal. My wife had a four month affair last year and ended it on her own. She told me two months later, so I think whatever withdrawal she went through she did on her own without me knowing. In some senses, she may not be totally through it as she still works in the same company as the OM, and she still bumps into him from time to time in the hallway, etc. She has not had the complete no contact that Dr. Harley advocates.<P>There are different people with different experiences here. Some, like me, have spouses that went through mild withdrawals. Others have gone through more serious ones. I think it just all depends on the person. It is possible that your H is still hiding feelings for the OW. If he has read some of the books by Harley then that is good. You can both learn to communicate your feelings and thoughts to each other in a safe and productive manner. It will help you with recovery. It has for us.<P>As for your second question...I would say that you are definitly NOT an idiot . This is the second time I am going through this as well, and while it may be tempting to question myself sometimes, I have to say that I am doing the right thing.<P>Don't be scared to try. Some things are worth fighting for! <P>-HD<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Lizard:<BR><B> Scared2Try<P>I will answer you from my viewpoint. I am the WS in my marriage, and from my point of view I believe that I did not go through the withdrawel trauma that most other WS's seem to have. When I was found out I immediately cut all contact with the OW, and began to work on repairing my marriage. This has been quite a long and painful process but I do believe that my marriage now is stronger than it has ever been.<P>As to whether his feeling for the OW can change that quickly I guess it really depends on how long the affair lasted and how much emotions came into play. If it was a lengthy affair I would imagine that there would be some kind of emotional bonding between you H and the OW. Im my case the affair was very brief and I did not really feel any emotional contact with the OW so therefore in my case the feelings of withdrawel were not really evident.<P>Only you can decide how you feel about trying to rescue your relationship. You may need to change as will he, and it is only going to be through counselling and talking with each other that you can determine this. Do some reading. Many people on this site will suggest various books that you can read. Were you meeting each others EN? Do you even know what each others EN's are?<P>Dont know if this has been much help but I hope it has <P>Lizard<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Question for Lizard. Sorry to jump in here. How long did your A last? If you didn't really go through w/ds, were you in a limbo state as far as your marriage was concerned? Or did you immediately try to repair and rebuild. How is your W doing?

Thanks for your reply. My H just finished reading HN/HN and I'm just starting to read SAA. I have read everything on the MB website, and we are both in counseling. To answer your question. No, we weren't meeting each others needs.Before my H read the book he didn't realize he had any. I am now willing and ready to learn about his needs and meet them. I still have days where I fight being very angry but it is getting better. Thanks for you encouragement

I'm coming in late but my situation is close to yours. I caught my wife in the middle of an (3+ months) escalating physical affair with a long time (3++ years) emotional affair partner. I asked the big question and the whole thing seems to have just popped like a balloon. Neither party claims ANY "feeling" for the other. I just flat don't buy it. "LOVE" sublimated -yes. "LOVE" blocked -yes. But just gone? I don't think so. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. In the mean time W and her buddy just can't see why they can't continue to work together and travel together on a regular basis. I am just plain tired and I think, taken for a fool.

I hear You! I Too, am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't understand how the ws goes from lying to their spouse, risking loosing everything to be with the op, then all of a sudden as soon as their caught, it changes to no feelings for the op. Don't get me wrong, I would love it if that were true, I'm just a little skeptical. My situation is a little different, in that my H changed jobs in order to stay away from her. He tried once to break it off but continue to work w/her, but the relationship eventually started up again. I also know that its possible, for them to communicate without working together. He says No, and I would like to believe that, But still scared to trust him. I totally understand "feeling like a fool" I have spent weeks thinking about all the bogus conversations we had. Its so hard to let that all go! But for the sake of putting my family back together, I guess I'm willing to give him another chance. I look at it like this. I'll either get a great marriage, or I'll know without a doubt it's time to go! It's scary not knowing the outcome.