I e-mailed the OW to tell me if she has been in contact with H since D-day.<BR>From what I read they can still be with them-have the bs believe its over-be working on the marriage...So, I wanted to be sure its over..That is what I asked her-that I needed that so I could do what is best for my children--based on truth and not lies..She didn't respond to my e-mail--Do you think this means it is over.<BR>I am thinking that if she did respond or even lied in a response- that she would want me to think they were together- and she could have him...the no response has thinking it over and she isn't going to have anything to do with us..I, also, heard from my H, that another professor got her to get into counseling- so, I hope and believe that she is....Do I dare believe that it is truly over?

I know it's hard, right now, but don't try to speculate. I know you have a hard time believing your H that he is telling you the truth, but I wouldn't try and contact the OW. It's hard to put ourselves in someone else's head.<P>She might be doing her own form of no contact with you or your H, she may be trying to figure things out in her own head -it's too hard to speculate. You do need to do what's best for you and your family - so concentrate on them. If you are doing Plan A, keep doing that. Don't fear the un-known, but try to work out the issues with your H. Somewhere, down the line, you will come to trust him - or you won't. The OW's loyalties - probably aren't to you or your family (afterall, she had an A with your H) - so don't rely on her for information.<P>I know that wasn't really good advice, but I think it's just too hard to speculate.

Thank you--You gave me what I needed.<BR>I am figuring with my psych degree that her counselor is telling her to have no contact with us- and not respond to any contact made...If she did it would hinder her progress. I want her to be helped. Everything I know about her-she doesn't have any healthy relationships- abusive ex-lying deceiptful parents-an affair with a married man--Being only 21 she has a lot of crap to deal with--She did ask my husband if her love is poisonous--no, she doesn't think she deserves the best-so only allows herself to have everything under that--Without help she would go from one bad relationship to the next and that is a horrible life. I will respect that and never contact her again-so she can get better. (IF only she had God in her life-she doesn't know who he is- so sad-her mother decided not to raise them with God-we all know what needs to filled in her life- Hopefully one day she will have that.)<BR>Love

Hi Crete,<BR>Your problem is not the OW, you have enough to do by working your butt off by not lovebusting and meeting your husband's emotional needs. I always think it is a bad idea to have WS contact OP. It stirs things up and does not meet with the objective to restore love and restore your marriage. <P>Put your mind on action items - verbs - deposits in your husbands lovebank and no lovebusting. That should keep you sooooo busy that you do not have time to think about what is happening with OP, etc. <P>Eliminating the competition will happen indirectly when you continue on those action items, but circumventing the process of healing your marriage by directly trying to eliminate the competition is taking off the course of on the goal.<P>Work on your marriage, not on his affair.<P>TNT

So, she e-mailed me back--nice letter--my H said he was hurt/angry that I e-mailsed. He understood that I needed to know it was truly over. That was hindering me all along.<BR>I e-mailed her a response and said "we" were not expecting a response ( we weren't), I thanked her. I sent all correspondence to my H and he read them- I was so nice to her and I think he was happy- he knows my heart, but thought I would send her a nasty letter--Never- I don't hate her- I am unable to hate another. I want her to be healthy. I think I entered a new stage--Thank God.<BR>You were right I was focusing on the affair and not us- the here and now- that is what my H has been saying all along--I couldn't get passed that. I think I will do better now..Plan Aing- thats how she got him- thats how I got him back, thats how I'm keeping him...-smile