P.S. envisioning a giant, lethal fly swatter coming into intimate contact with Bar-fly. SPLATTTTTTTTTTTT. I wish I could...

Well, I have read all the responses and here's my input, for what it's worth:<P>I believe it would be QUITE easy to accidentally send something to the OW from that account if he had just finished emailing her that he didn't want to hear from her again. When you are stressed, sometimes you make the simplest (and often the most stupid) mistakes... I have accidentally called my husband at work without ever intending to call him at all, just because I was thinking about him when trying to call someone else. At work, I am forever dialling wrong extensions and reaching people I didn't actually need to speak with.<P>As Nellie pointed out, in Hotmail, there is no default selection for "saving" sent messages - you have to check the box. And I am forever forgetting to check the box, even on important stuff.<P>I think that his explanation could easily be the truth, personally. Of course, the bottom line is that he didn't tell you about the contact and he absolutely should have. But many former WS's make that error in judgement because they truly do not understand how hurtful it is for you to find out that there was a lie or a truth omission of any kind. They know that in the past, it hurt you to know about the OP, and they err on the side of untruth because they truly believe it to be best.<P>Your approach sounded quite reasonable to me. Personally, I think you and he have a very good chance of making it. He knows he needs you.<P>Now if only we could find that really big fly swatter...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi Survivor,<P>What a mess. It's so hard to figure that one out. My H (STBX) was/still is a pathological liar, master of deceit. He left and never looked back. I often wonder how I could have lived with him had he come back - I've had thoughts of this kind of stuff happening for the rest of my life (he was also a habitual cheater). I couldn't do it, even tho I tried all the plans to try to save our marriage.<P>One thing I HAVE learned with a perfect liar is that there is no such thing as coincidence. I lived thru 20 years of coincidences - of so many things happening around me that were "funny" that made sense after D day. I'm sorry I'm so cynical, but I think he sent it to her and maybe she threatened to expose their thing or something had to happen, but he realized he needed to start to covering his tracks with the first mention of the card to you. Why would he even have to ask you? If you had gotten it, he'd have known because you would have thanked him. Does he really think you would have received a wonderful expression of love from him without a thank you or mention? No - he was setting you up and covering his tracks for some reason.<P>Oh, I feel so full of poison. I'm so sorry. I hate being so suspicious. I guess I've just been lied to so well for 20 years that I'll never trust another person ever. On top of that, my MIL's H (my H's dad) did the same thing to her and it took 13 times of discovering his ongoing contacts before she threw him out, when she was almost 50 and it was very hard for her to start over then. I certainly hope I'm wrong and still hope you don't jump to anything drastic. Eyes wide open tho, ok. Will say a prayer for you tonight.<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Hey Survivor!<P>I think after our chat yesterday, I am sticking with Terri on this one. <P>I've given it a lot of thought since our conversation and I think she summed it up pretty nicely.<P>Anything new happen on the horizon since yesterday? Keep me posted. And, for that matter, everyone here too! I'm sure they'd like to hear the outcome as well.<P>It's nice to see how much support you've received on this! As always, the MBers have a way of warming your heart with support! <P>Talk to you soon!<BR>--purplemag

Survivor,<P>UGGHHHHHH... Seems that you and Wasstubborn are in the same boat right now. <P>You said: "I asked him, why didn't you tell me that she contacted you again in the first place? We had an agreement that if she contacts, then I should be notified. He replied, "I was afraid of how you would react. I was trying to protect you by handling it myself. I wrote her that I didn't want her to contact me. I thought that after sending that 2nd no contact e-mail, that she would just go away & you would never find out that she tried again."<P>HIS DISHONESTY PROBLEM IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He has a real problem with being honest. I really don't think it is anything that you can change in him. Whether or not he had contact with OW is secondary. He needs to acknowledge that just by the way he tried to make an excuse for his dishonesty - is not owning up to his problem. He is not taking responsibility for his dishonesty problem. I would not accept that.<P>If you told him that one of your most important emotional needs while in a relationship with him was honesty, then he has to take responsibility for his dishonesty.<P>If my important emotional need was finances, and my husband took all of the money out of our account and spent it - then he would have committed a major lovebuster by not meeting my emotional need. He would have no way to make an excuse - he knew what I needed and he did something the opposite. I would expect him to OWN the problem, and not try and make it my fault that he took our money. <P>Same thing with honesty. He deliberately did not meet your emotional need. He must take ownership for the problem. If he had contact with OW before through e-mail, then he should be made accountable to you and you have access to all of his e-mail at any time you think you need to. By creating a hotmail account without your agreement (POJA), and by not giving you access - by not telling you about it, he has violated his honesty contract with you.<P>He must own his problem before you can move forward with him.<P>TNT<P>

I think that Weirded Out's logic is on the mark. I also agree with TNT. However, that is not to say that this backslide should end it. I think you should tread carefully, evaluate the options, and thoroughly examine how much you can handle before all prospects of a healthy recovery are dashed.<P>I am so sorry that you are having to experience this. I expect that for me it would be at least as difficult as the first discovery (and probably worse).

I am so sorry to read of this new development. I would say you summarized the situation pretty good. You handled it so very well!!! Great job.<BR>Numb........that is a feeling I can relate to. <BR>I cannot understand how someone with e-mail/computer experience could possibly send a card to the wrong address. Some card sites even ask you to verify before sending or they send a confirmation.<BR>Yep, I would sure have some reservations abt believing this one. <BR>((((hugs)))) cl

Survivor,<P>I am so sorry to hear the latest development. I can only imagine the shock and horror that you are going thru. I really have no advice, but, to me it sounds a wee bit suspicious. I don't want to make you paranoid, but, I would be.<P>I have made a commitment to not have any email accounts, the only ones I have is at work, and at home, which is closely monitored by my husband. <P>Just wanted to tell you that my thoughts are with you.<P>PJ

Survivor,<P>It is so hard because the "house" we have worked so hard to build can seem to come crashing down with any dishonesty.<P>But we have to separate things into their individual parts:<P>Yes, he did violate the agreement by not telling you right away. He still doesn't get it that he can't "protect" you.<P>And yet, as I read your post, I thought what he said at least made sense. And if he's right, was it a bit hasty to speak about separation? (This coming from the queen of both overreacting and separation talks - me.)<P>But we have this tiny piece of information while you have the bigger picture. Has he established a new track record of being truthful?<P>I do know I often make the worst kind of mistakes with computers - that addys don't have to be typed in most cases, they can be pasted. So, as someone already said, he may have told her to leave him alone and then tried to send you a card, but somehow pasted the same address again.<P>Either that or he's not real smart. If he did want to go behind your back, why on earth would he come home and ask you if you got a card he never sent you? And then resend it from that same account? That account would be hidden away somewhere, no?<P>I don't want to be too hard on you, but I cringed when I read that you called and told him you wanted to separate. I have reacted in a similar way many times. I'm learning to just present the facts and hear him out before I jump to any conclusion (even when it seems obvious as in this case). It has been one of the hardest lessons...<P>I think you have to look in his eyes and decide if you believe him...