Reading Survivor's post today really was a light bulb moment for me.<P>Some of you oldies might remember some of my story, for them and for you newbies I will give a brief update.<P>Our d-day was July 27th 1999, H was not living at home at the time. He remained out of the house for 4 months. Nov. 1999 he returned but was in major fog heaven until Feb. 2000. He was home, but we did very little connecting. <P>With a few family comittments and functions, we seemed to be on the recovery path, although it has been touch and go. In Sept.2000, I discovered he had contact with OW in July and Aug. 2000 via cell-phone.<BR>The mistrust I felt upon that discovery, needless to say, was devastating to our recovery. Not to mention his drinking during his band jobs etc., was not helping our recovery at all either.<P>In late September he got stopped for speeding, but he was drunk and only a short distance from home, the police let him GO!!!(he knew them) I believed in my heart that if he had gotten arrested that night it would have been a turning point for our recovery. Because, as you know, you can't fix a marriage by yourself when there is substance abuse involved. It is difficult enough to work on it with two of you involved and no substance.<BR>(RAMBLE)<BR>That very next day he swore off drinking because he considered himself very fortunate to not have been arrested and believed a guardian angel was with him that night. So be it !!! It was his choice...his decision.<P>Everything has been going fairly well, with the exception of my occassional "brow beatings" and verbal attacks when I would feel extremely "love bank" dry.<P>Yesterday, I posted for help with finding e-mail passwords...I purchased a key stroke program and installed it. Today... bingo! My H has seven e-mail accounts, five I knew about, two are fairly new. He checked one of his e-mail accounts and therefore I was able to hack his password for one of the new accounts.<P>I won't give out his account name, but get this ... his secret message to himself to remind him of his password is "who's next"...<BR>his password is "skirtchaser". EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I also checked the address book and there were two women on it... one, I don't think is a threat, but I don't like her or trust her... second, is the young woman(friend of my daughter, remember that?)he had an EA with early on before the EA/PA with OW.<P>First of all two weeks ago he decided that he could drink again, but this time he is going to control it. DUH!!!!<BR>This has really set me back and caused me great concern about his trust worthiness.<P>Now, how many e-mail accounts does someone need, who is trying to re-establish trust in their relationship. SEVEN....<P>Why does he need to have so many and why does he use such a suggestive and vulgar password? This is just too much for me to dechipher and swallow.<P>Point... there is no trust here, where there is no trust, there is no relationship. There is nothing here anymore. I truly believe my h has some serious issues. His counselor (whom he saw 12 times after our D day) told him he was a sex addict, I guess I just didn't see it, denied it or didn't understand it.<P>I am at a loss now as to what to do. My daughter says it is time for me to move on. Although she loves her dad, she believes he is sick and I shouldn't be with him because I am worth so much more than he can give me. <P>I have no where to go, I have no income, I am not in a crisis situation. This is a decision I must make on my own. I could go to relatives to stay until I get a job and get on my feet. Do I take my 11 year old with me? God help me, I didn't bargain for this at this time in my life!<P>Please somebody read this and help me out!!!<P>Cathy

Don't you and your child move out!<P>If anybody should leave it should be him. Ask him to get help or move out and then file for legal separation so you are taken care of financially. If you been married at least 20 years you are most likely entitled to lifetime spousal support. Do consult a lawyer to make sure you are protected legally/financially no matter what. <P>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited January 31, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited January 31, 2001).]

TMD<BR>Thanks for the response. I don't want to move out, this is my home of 20 years. We have been married,this May,32 years.<P>Lots of history with us. Therefore, it makes it that much worse to think I have been living with someone so sick for so many years and failed to see just how bad it really is.<P>This is heart wrenching to say the least. I need to offer him an ultimatum. Get help or get out. That's all there is to it at this point. Funny thing is, I don't feel anything but disgust for having been lead down this primrose path. I am not weeping and clinging to him as I would have done two years ago. I pretty much don't feel any sadness at all. Just disappointment, only thing is I can't seem to not dwell on how old and useless I am at this point.<P>I guess I will live out the rest of my life just as a widow would.<P>Cathy

Hey, Catplay none of that old and useless stuff! YOu need to work on you and let him and his problems go for now. Take care of you and your kid(s. You have a lot to offer you just need to explore the possibilities. Take a class, exercise, volunteer , take up a sport it really helps. isn't there something you've always wanted to do but didn't because you were too busy being a wife/mother? You had dreams once maybe it's time to dust some of them off and pursue them.<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited January 31, 2001).]

Hello-Kitty <P>Having survived my H's PA/EA ~and~ his alcoholism ~and~ his eventual recovery and maintained-sobriety (5 years now) let me share this......<P>I was *still* miserable after HIS recovery until I got my cute 'lil bee-hind to Alanon. I was sooooo focused on him and his broken parts that needed fixin' that I neglected *my* issues.<P>Don't wait any longer. Take your daughter withyou to the nearest Alanon meeting ASAP!<P>If you've already found Alanon ~~~~ keep it up!<P>With love and compassion~~~~~<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Cathy, I am pained to hear your present situation. I know that you have worked as hard as you could. Dealing with an ilness or two is more than tough!! You have survived, it s time for you to live your own life for you. You can remain married if you wish, but start building a healthy active full life for yourself! Go to meetings, join a health club, go out to movies with your friends. <P> About being to old to be any use, I say poppycock! Being a mother of an 11 yr old also, I know that you D needs you very much right now. Mine is changing into a young woman right before my eyes. And it is up to me to show her the path. You are a model, your personal triumphs are a good models too. I have been making some changes, too. I think it is helping me.<P>Another thing, if it leads to D, don't panic. You are not through yet! My mom is D because of an A(her H married the snake) 11 years ago(just before I knew about my D on the way.) Now, she has met and is sharing a life with a man she met at a friendly gathering about 7 years ago. She will not remarry, but is perfectly happy to be happy even if there are no strings. And this state is her choice. She is now 62. <P>Don't give up the ghost on love or even companionship, love comes in many colors, and you will see a rainbow of it before you are through! Take care Cathy, and look to yourself and your needs. You must rely on you now. You can do whatever you need to do.<P><BR>Beth

Thank you all for your advice and concern.<BR>I sit here tonight sad and dumbfounded. I need to pick up where I left off 32 years ago, don't I? Well, 50 pounds later, do you think I should enter the Mrs. South Carolina Pageant? Just trying to be lighthearted about this.<P>H knows something is wrong, I haven't mentioned anything to him about what I know.<BR>But, it is very difficult to look him in the eyes. I get kind of a disgusted feeling when I do. I can't believe this is the man I married. I want to get in his brain and try to figure out what makes him tick.<P>Like some said to me after his waffling for four months...how many times are you gonna let him hit you in the face with that baseball bat, before you say that hurts?<P>I say, now, that hurts... I deserve better, I am a good person. I have much value and worth. I don't need to be that beauty queen anymore...I am beautiful, just as I am.<P>Right?...Right!<P>Thanks again, you all are terrific!<P>Cathy

Catplay,<BR>I'm so sorry. I read your post...felt flummoxed myself and had to sign off & think. (Not to mention checking our temporary internet files, history, H's file manager, & voice mail. I found nothing, but my H is a "computer guy" so I don't expect to, also because he's currently bedridden with back pain & has seemed trustworthy).<P>I still don't know what to say that would be helpful. "skirtchaser" . Gack. <P>I guess, I would ask him, specifically about that account & ask to see the rest...just to hear the answer...some of my H's old explanations were so amazing & such flights of fancy that I still think about them. If he refuses or obscures their existence, you have added reason to follow the path away from him. <P>Or, if you in some place in your heart still want to try...it gives him a beginning glimmer of what is unacceptable in your future. You'd think counseling would have helped with some of this, but I know I've been wondering myself if my H & I didn't stop a little soon...<P>And, you've learned so much in these 32 years...you really wouldn't want to go back and have to muckle through again in blissful ignorance? Cherish your hard-earned wisdom. And lift weights...it's amazing what it can do reverse some of those signs of aging (trying to take my own advice on that one!)<P>Take care. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Thanks Lor and all who have advised so wisely,<P>I don't even want to approach this or these issues with him. I do feel bad for him, after all, he has been my sole companion and best friend (I thought) for so many years, he is the father of our four children. He is a wonderful person. Just gots lots of problems!<P>One thing about this that has become very clear... I am not the reason! I have problems I won't deny that, we all do. But, this time, I will not even begin to blame myself for his actions. This is all him and he needs to deal with it and he also needs a big, big wake up call. I don't think the A was big enough. I made it too easy for him to come back and keep up with his addictions instead of addressing them.<P>I guess it is true... you have to hit the bottom before you can get up again and sadly I think that is were he is going this time, but I don't think I will be as likely to help him get up. He needs to stand alone for awhile and get a grip on exactly what he will lose this time.<P>BTW, my 11 year old is a boy, we have two other boys and one girl. The latter three are grown.<P>Thanks again, <P>Cathy

Cathy,<BR>Just sending supporting thoughts your way. Keep us updated.<P>Lor