Well for those of you who know my story...it just keeps getting better.<BR>Three weeks ago I was told by W that the boytoy and her had feelings for each other, but he wasn't going to leave his wife.<P>Monday I found out that the affair went from emotional to physical at somepoint recently<P>Tuesday, I found out that He is leaving his wife and it's all over the hospital.<P>Wednesday, my wife has a meeting with her lawyer.<P>What can happen on thursday and Friday???<P>How do I keep from LB with all this crap going on? And how do I keep a positive attitude when all I see are signs that my wife and this other guy are headed straight toward coupledom!<P>And...the other thing is that this has been brewing since my wife stared at this hospital 3 years ago. I guess they started off as friends, she comforted him during some crisis and it just grew. Neither one of them had the common sense to get the hell out when they could.<P>And now, 2 families are in ruin and these two bozos are sitting pretty...<P>Go figure...is there no justice??<P>~Mike~<BR><P>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions

Mike - no, the is no fairness and no justice - in the short term. My wife, too, took part in busting up two very close families. It's ugly. Very few of these things last. You've been dealt a dirty hand and you have to play it. See a doc about anti-deps and Plan A to improve yourself. Take care of your kids. You are responsible to be the sane and stable one. If the rest of us can do it, so can you. As I tell others, stand tall, you're on the moral high ground and in the end you WILL be a better person - with or without your wife.<P>WAT

Wat...<BR>You have been there since day one and I certainly appreciate it. I have been on anti deps for about a month. If I feel like this while I'm on them, I can only imagine what it would be like off them.<P>The moral high ground...and interesting concept. What happens to the morals of two people involved in an affair. Why is it that you can't think and see that you are destroying all of these lives and make the right choice...end it. <P>Is it the rush of the original high you get when you first start dating each other? All chemical according to what I have read. Is it the fact that my wife can't grow up and realize what she had here. The difference between mature love and immature love???<P>Someone once told me that when a wife tells her husband that she doesn't love him the way she is supposed to, that there are two options. #1...an immature person would say hmmm, I don't love him the way I'm supposed to, therefore I'm with the wrong person. #2...a mature person would say I don't love him the way I'm supposed to, therefore lets do something about it and work on that part of our relationship.<P>It amazes me that the two of them see nothing wrong with the choices that they have made. "It's all about love" is the line that I hear is being said to my SIL. He's been married for 17 years and us for 10. It's very sad.<P>How do you get over the feeling of being kicked...and kicked...and kicked again. Some of you have been doing Plan A for months and seeing no results except that you are stronger which I guess is the whole point. How do you keep such a positive attitude?<P>If I sound down...I guess I am. 3 nights of no sleep thinking about the two of them possibly together is unbearable. I look at my kids and wonder what will happen to them and if there will be another man in there life and it makes me sick.<P>You all are great and I hope that each and every one of you get your wishes. <P>This affair my wife is in has been brewing apparently for 3 years. It started out just as friends and you can guess the rest. It seems like this is the worst kind of affair from reading SAA. I love her, but is it worth the effort and pain to try and stick around? <BR>I know some of you will say yes, but doesn't it just set us up for a harder fall if it doesn't work out?<P>~Mike~

Mike - the anti-deps may take longer to become fully effective, and your doc may ramp up the dose until you're sleeping better.<P>Think of the affairees as being on a narcotic high. Logic goes away. You are trying to look at it logically, which they are incapable of right now.<P>I look at my wife as being sick - we lost a child 10 months before her affair started. It's all interconnected. This is not to say that we didn't have other problems that I contributed to. This is how I endure. I know my wife has had a hard time dealing with our loss. How could I abandon her in this state? This is how I maintain my attitude - I'm preparing to take care of her when she finally realizes she needs it. Now maybe you don't have a past crisis to point to, but consider thinking of your wife as being sick or temporarily insane and needing your help. She may not realize it yet, but eventually, she may consider that she's messing up her life and seek help. You need to position yourself to bail her out, so to speak. Make Mike a safe haven for her rescue. Make your family available to be her soft landing. I can't tell you how to do all of this. It's different for everyone. Work with a counselor and just do it. You will rise to the occasion.<P>WAT

Dear mbtrk,<BR>it hurts me deeply to see you in such a state. I've never replied to any of your posts, but I've been following your story for a while now, and it seems about time somebody helped you to realize that, for the time being, you're going to have to put your wife out of your mind and concentrate on a divorce plan to make sure that you do not end up losing your children as well.<P>These may seem like harsh words, easy for me to say, because my W is still at home with me and trying to recommit to her marriage, and has dumped the OM immediately at my insistance, after wanting to keep the two of us at the same time. Her EA lasted one whole year, followed by 9 months of physical PA in our home. Can you imagine what that did to me? So believe me, I've been there.<BR>All I could do was transfer my love and affection even more onto my twin boys (aged 10), and for a while I was the only one keeping the family together.<BR>Your children are your main responsibility now, and even if you hope to get your wife back and are willing to go through hell, like I was, to keep your family together.<BR>If I were in your shoes, I would see a lawyer without telling your wife and start perparing to defend yourself, because you can be damned sure that she has already discussed the child custody issues with her own lawyer and is preparing to divorce you and ask for the custody of the children.<P>I really hope I am wrong about this, but reading your posts gives me a bad gut feeling and you are not looking after your own vital interests. You have done everything you have to do. She is not sensitive to your pleads and letters pledging love and affection for her, so now is the time for you simply to prepare legally speaking for the worst.<BR>You, like I, will feel terrible about this.<BR>I felt like I was cheating behind my wife's back (!!!!!), but I got the answers I wanted and worked out a strategy if ever I needed it.<BR>Do the same thing, my friend, or you will leave it all too late with no time to react.<BR>I hope all I said does not come true.

Hi Steve,<BR>I met with a lawyer about 2 weeks into this whole mess. As soon as my wife said that she wanted a divorce. We have been to voluntary mediation and things went fine.<P>Then the bottom fell out and I found out that the EA was a PA and that the OM has left his wife. This all came to light over the last 3 days.<P>I need to call my lawyer again and see what my option are right now. We had agreed to joint custody of the kids...but if she is going to be runing around with boytoy...then I don't know if I want my kids exposed to that sh*&.<P>Her morals and ethics are so far away from the woman that I married it's scary. Her best friend did this to her husband 6 years ago. Divorced him and married the OM. My wife was appalled at that and 6 months ago was saying that the two of them had just grown apart. Guess who she's hanging out with again! Saying how much in love her friend is...<BR>GAG ME!!!<P>Believe me...it's time to prepare for war I guess. Although I love my wife...her actions make it easy to think about me and what I want for a change. I'll try not to LB as much as possible, but I refuse to get walked all over if she continues to persue this. It will kill me to get nasty, but she seems to think that she is calling the shots. <P>Thanks for your post...It helps to know someone is out there that cares.<BR>Mike

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Hi OOOO,<BR>I have only been on this board a short time and I guess I am unfamiliar with your story. I appreciate your response and listen to everything that people are telling me. I guess I was feeling a bit down today. I really miss my wife and when the kids ask me if she's coming home, it breaks my heart.<P>The selfishness of it all is mind boggling. <BR>How can they not see that they are hurting all these people. The fog is thicker than any I've ever seen on the coast!<P>Mike

Hi All,<BR>As i sit here and ponder all of the posts that I have recieved, I have many different feelings. I truly believe that humans may have feelings for other people. They may get to a point where something might happen. A person that has made vows in a marriage should know better than to get sucked in and should run as fast and as far as possible.<P>Sometimes this does not happen and many people get hurt. I think that this may be why my wife is in such a hurry to get a divorce. Knowing how her mind works...she probably feels that if she is divorced then all of this sh** will be made OK. She won't have to feel guilty anymore. Therefore lets get this over with fast so that I can get on with it guilt free. <P>What happens after the divorce? Does the guilt of an affair (which she says are just feelings for someone else) still stay after the marriage is over? How can the two of them live with the idea that 2 families have been destroyed. <P>Wait...let me try to answer that. They don't care. They are looking at a new happy family where love abounds and the kids won't be scarred. And the ex spouses will get over it and move on and be happy like them! <P>It's too bad they can't see the big picture.<P>Mike

Hey all,<BR>My wife just left me a message on my answering machine and wants to tell me something. Hmmmmmm...what could it be???<P>It's either she is going to serve me papers next week...or she is finally going to tell me(I have heard this from two other people and she doesn't know I know)that boytoy is leaving his wife.<P>I really don't want to know anything tonight so I'll let her sit on it for awhile.<P>I wonder what Friday will bring???<P>Mike<p>[This message has been edited by mbtrk (edited February 01, 2001).]