My wife had an affair with the scoutmaster in the local boy scout troup. She was the chairperson for the group and claimed she had to maintain close contact with him. I had asked her to let me get involved some time before the affair started and she refused to let me. She is 47 and he is 27. I thought the age differance was sufficient to make it safe for the close contact as well as the fact that he had recently married. I was a fool. We have been married for 20 years and have 2 great kids. It has been a year and a half since the affair and I believe it is over but I cannot seem to get over it. I don't trust her out of my sight now. I have considered divorce most of the time since it happened but I can't seem to go through with it. There are many things I like to do but just can't seem to develope the desire to do them. I am to preoccupied with her affair.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited January 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by linpro:<BR><B>I don't trust her out of my sight now. I have considered divorce most of the time since it happened but I can't seem to go through with it. There are many things I like to do but just can't seem to develope the desire to do them. I am to preoccupied with her affair.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hi Linpro,<P>Welcome to the forum.<P>The issue you have is a tough one, I think. Affairs end, but marriages don't recover. <P>If you haven't done so, you may want to read through the section here on infidelity, particularly the part about rebuilding the marital relationship and overcoming resentment. Here is the link:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> <BR>

I have read everything that you have sugested but still have a lot of difficulty getting on track. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mike C2:<BR><B> Hi Linpro,<P>Welcome to the forum.<P>The issue you have is a tough one, I think. Affairs end, but marriages don't recover. <P>If you haven't done so, you may want to read through the section here on infidelity, particularly the part about rebuilding the marital relationship and overcoming resentment. Here is the link:<P> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html</A> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Welcome <B>linpro</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Unfortunately...<BR>...you are stuck on... <B>you</B>...<P>You've got to get the focus back on "both of you"...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>It sounds like you need a big push...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Instead of worrying about the obsession...<BR>...work... work... work...<BR>...on your marital skills!<P>There's a reward you've never dreamed of!<P>Stay here and post... read... ask...<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

First off I'd like to say..You're not alone...and Welcome.<BR> I have not posted here in a while because, like you, I have been wrestling with the idea of divorce. My W had an affair with a co-worker "only at lunch time"..can you imagine what it's like knowing your spouse can do so much in one hour? I know what you mean when you say you can't TRUST her. My wife left me and our three children twice for a guy she says she didn't even really know. The third time I asked her to leave because she said she didn't love me. She was gone about 4 hours...wanted to come back. She said she had time to do some "soul searching" and decided she loved me but it was buried way in the back of her mind LOL!!. Anyway were working on it..for her life goes on as usual..sleeping well...for me I'm sure you know.<BR> I think NSR had a good point though..I may be thinking of me...but you know what?, If I don't "Who the heck will?.<BR> My W has since started a new job..thank God! I know it's not the answer but I told her it would have to be that way in order for us to have a chance."OM is still there". I don't know about you but my W lied and lied and lied...and I'm still not sure if I can believe her..found a watch in her purse today..ladies watch..never seen it before. I definatly know about the lack of trust and trying to live with it.<BR> All I know is it will never be the same for us. She is not the person I thought she was for the past 20 yrs.<BR> But you know what...I'm one stubborn SOB...and I'm still hanging in there. I know I did love her more than life itself and now...well I'm very hurt and angry.."does it show"?<BR> It's only been about 5 mons since the A ended and I think we've coma along way

Stubborness...<BR>...it'll damage your psyche...<P>and ...pride/vanity...<BR>...(did you see the Devil's Advocate)...<BR>..."Vanity.... definitely my favorite sin."...<BR>...(pride/vanity)... sure to destroy you before it destroys anyone else.<P>You can think of yourself best...<BR>...when you Plan A...<BR>...the right way!<P> <P>Jim

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tinman40:<BR><B>First off I'd like to say..You're not alone...and Welcome.<BR> I have not posted here in a while because, like you, I have been wrestling with the idea of divorce. My W had an affair with a co-worker "only at lunch time"..can you imagine what it's like knowing your spouse can do so much in one hour? I know what you mean when you say you can't TRUST her. My wife left me and our three children twice for a guy she says she didn't even really know. The third time I asked her to leave because she said she didn't love me. She was gone about 4 hours...wanted to come back. She said she had time to do some "soul searching" and decided she loved me but it was buried way in the back of her mind LOL!!. Anyway were working on it..for her life goes on as usual..sleeping well...for me I'm sure you know.<BR> I think NSR had a good point though..I may be thinking of me...but you know what?, If I don't "Who the heck will?.<BR> My W has since started a new job..thank God! I know it's not the answer but I told her it would have to be that way in order for us to have a chance."OM is still there". I don't know about you but my W lied and lied and lied...and I'm still not sure if I can believe her..found a watch in her purse today..ladies watch..never seen it before. I definatly know about the lack of trust and trying to live with it.<BR> All I know is it will never be the same for us. She is not the person I thought she was for the past 20 yrs.<BR> But you know what...I'm one stubborn SOB...and I'm still hanging in there. I know I did love her more than life itself and now...well I'm very hurt and angry.."does it show"?<BR> It's only been about 5 mons since the A ended and I think we've coma along way</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The hardest thing for me to understand is that she says she wants me and wants to stay married but she refuses to go to counceling. She has read some of the books I have bought (3 of which are Harleys) but she will not dicuss any of the things that are in them with me. I have told her most of the things I need and have asked her repeadedly for the things that she feels like she needs but to no avail. I don't really know why I keep pushing. I guess I am just stubborn. I would like to make a life with her but she can't seem to get on board with me. She seems to want to act like the affair was no big deal and just get back to normal. What the hell is normal? <BR>She says she didn't even enjoy the sex with him. She just gave him sex because he made her feel good about herself. Pretty shallow I think. If it weren't for the kids I would dump her and go on. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by linpro:<BR><B> She just gave him sex because he made her feel good about herself. Pretty shallow I think.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe, but there is a piece of the puzzle. Admiration. That is one of her ENs.<P>You can still make some progressive with a non-cooperative mate by filling out the EN and LB forms the way you think they would. You will undoubtedly have some things wrong, but you might have enought to make some progressive in the near term. <P>When my W finally honestly filled out the forms and I read them, I heard 10 years of complaining ringing in my ears, complaining that had fallen on deaf ears up to then.<P>Think back on what your wife has complained about over the years. That might help.<P>Mike<BR>