Hi Clouds, I've been reading your posts and wondered if maybe you could help me... I am the BS. My husband had an affair with a neighbor of ours, a friend of mine, his, our whole family. Kids played with kids, etc. She's a single mom. <P>We moved away about 14 months ago. Not far, but far enough so I don't have to look at her house every day. We have been in recovery for 17 months. Husband has been wonderful, for the most part. Tons of remorse. Tells me his head left but his heart never did. <P>My question is, and I seem to remember you brought this up briefly in one of your posts but I can't find it now, what would you think if the wife of your OM wanted to talk to you, meet with you? <P>I have asked my H's OW to meet with me to talk. NOT to talk about the A, just to talk. For some reason I feel the need to do this. I hate the feeling of knowing there's a woman out there that hate's the thought of running into me, etc. Does this make any sense? It's not like I want to be her friend again, just not her enemy. <P>She has emailed me but, she has never contacted my H since DDay. She's shown remorse. She wont meet with me though. She says it will just bring back the guilt for her and she's trying to forget all of this. Which I can understand. Crazy as it sounds, I seem to think I NEED it to feel "normal" again. Maybe I am crazy and I should just concentrate on my marriage. <P> It seems to me that you are both a WS and an OW, is that correct? I guess I'm asking this to you as the OW.

BrighterDays-<BR>Gulp. This is very hard. My hands are sweating and my heart is racing. I am an OW. I live in terror of running into OM’s W. We live close enough, that it is possible. I look for her car everywhere. My H loves me, he can forgive me. All I can think of is that she must JUST HATE ME. For what I did to my marriage and my H, I feel terrible guilt. About OM’s W I still feel shame. <P>There was a thread a while ago about OP. Someone commented that they felt a bond with women, and just found it hard to believe a married W could take up with a MM. Well, the problem is, I agree. Part of my shame is that OM and I spent time together because she trusted me as another MW not to betray her marriage, even though she didn’t really know me. <P> I have searched this site to hear how people have dealt with OP and to learn how BS feel about OP. Look yourself. It ain’t pretty. It is much easier for a BS to characterize the OP as evil to help justify their own S’s behavior. Well, I know perfectly well that I was at least ½ responsible for my A. So the idea that the spouse is the good one and was trapped by an evil OP doesn’t fly with me.<P> I think there are big differences among BSs. My H wants to hate OM. He feels like all he’d like is to have him out of his life. Gone forever. (Never happened would be best). I feel I owe OM’s W an apology. I have never communicated with her. She was the one who found us out. She called my H. So I know she knows. <P>I haven’t answered your question. It was: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My question is, and I seem to remember you brought this up briefly in one of your posts but I can't find it now, what would you think if the wife of your OM wanted to talk to you, meet with you? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>Simply answered, I would meet with her. If she felt that for any reason, in any way, it would help her, I would meet with her. I would rather not have to go through details of what we did when during the A. I might not be able to do that. But I was actually amazed at your words that you hate the idea that there is another woman out there that is TERRIFIED of running into you. That’s exactly how I feel, except that I feel it is all my fault that the situation exists. (Your OW may not feel the same, or she may just be ashamed and scared to death to look you in the eye). <P>I have huge amount of guilt about OM’s W. I have thought about writing a letter to her. I have thought about asking this forum the question about whether to do that. But the answer for me has always been, what good with that do? If it is to ease my guilt, it is not a good reason, if it were to cause her more pain. I assume she’d like to forget about me forever, but probably can’t. So I assume contacting her, even to apologize would hurt her. <P>The only reason, why, lately, I’ve reconsidered this, is based on something someone here posted. (It might have been KAM###). Anyway, some BS (female) said she wanted, for her own peace of mind to be able to try to forgive the OW. And in this case, what stood in the way was that OW had never apologized. This BS said she had a hard time forgiving someone who had never asked for forgiveness. I don’t even want to ask for forgiveness. I don’t think I deserve her forgiveness, unless it is something she needs for herself. I just want to say I’m sorry. Even so, I don’t know if I would ever be brave enough to do it.<P>A few people blasted PlainJane last week about a letter she wrote to OM’s W. In general, I get the feeling most BSs feel I should just leave her alone. So because of that, and cowardice and avoidance, I have never contacted OM’s W. <P>My posts are always too long. Sorry.<BR>

Thank you for your reply! <P>I have some thoughts for you. I can only speak from my situation of course, but I can honestly say that part of my recovery WAS helped by the OW's actions once it was over. She did apologize to me and she did show remorse. Both of these helped me. I was very hurt and angry with her at first. But, how she reacted helped me.. It helped me to realize that it WAS over. It continues to give me that reasurance. She has told me that she would never, ever do anything like this again. And, I believe her. <P>Like I said, that's just me. But, it MIGHT help her to hear about your shame and guilt. I don't know. The OW in my life is more like you in that she doesn't ever want to see me face to face. As of yet she has been unable to grant that request. <P>Thanks again for responding. -Brighterdays