To all the BS's out there, I am confused about the anger that you feel towards the WS verses what you feel towards the OP. It seems that the anger is much more intense towrds the OP, when in turn I would think you would feel more anger towards the person who made vows to you and suposedly loved you. Or are you just suppressing that anger and focusing it towards the OP instead because they are expendable???? don't know.<P>Ideas???

perch - maybe I'm different, but I have felt little anger towards either WS and OM. Here's why. <P>My wife was the primary instigator. I am convinced she was primarilly seeking escape from the grief caused by the loss of our son ten months earlier. I cannot be mad at her for her emotional trauma. Disappointed she choose the method she did for dealing with it, yes, but not angry. I am angry at myself for not taking a more active role in dealing with our family's grief and for not initiating marriage counseling during the many years we needed it while caring for our son. Instead of being angry at my wife, I went into severe depression. Depression is anger turned inward.<P>As far as the OM is concerned, I simply pity him. I will not waste energy being angry. This man is so small and pitiful that he took advantage of my wife's weakness and abandoned his wife and three children for his own selfish reasons. Believe it or not, he was a pallbearer for my deceased son. If his character was not so severely dysfunctional, then I might be angry.<P>WAT

perch,<P>In most cases, it's a transferrance of anger. It's a lot easier to be furious with someone who you have no emotional involvement in, than to be furious with someone who you're trying to save a relationship with.<P>If you end up divorced, THAT'S where you see the anger land back in the WS's lap.

Well in the beginning the anger was equal. H got anger for betraying our vows, lying to me, almost destroying our marriage, the pain I experienced, all of those things. Believe me, there were times I wanted to strangle him or just haul off and punch him in the face. <P>As far as anger toward the OW, she is responsible (and my anger towards her) is for totally differnt things. I have always tried to think of how things would affect others before I do something potentially hurtful. I've had opportunites wiht attached men (some very appealing) and always turned it down mainly because I thought "How would I feel if I were the W/GF?" Plus I figured it would make me look pahtetic and desperate. No way in h--l I will ever be some guys secret booty call. So I hate her because she knew he was married and went for it anyway.(Wo) Man's inhumanity to (wo)man I guess. Cruel and selfish. She wanted to be his "friend" and "get advice" and cry about how bad her life was and how much she wished she could have "a guy like him". She knew exactly what she was doing. No way would I ever find it appropriate to have those discussions with someone else's husband! Much less tell someone else's H how great he was and "too bad he's married". Of course he let this totally inappropriate friendship develop so he gets equal blame there.<P>Now, for the residual anger part. It's been almost 2 years. H has bent over backwards to make everything up to me. He treats me wonderfully and I couldn't ask for a better H. Every once in awhile something triggers me and I feel some anger, but not that often. Of course I love him and I chose to make him part of my life.<P>I don't love the OW and I certainly didn't choose to have her in my life! She has no regrets about what she did except that she didn't get my H in the end. She outright told me how glad she was that I was hurt. Then she had the nerve to tell me "He broke my heart". Double barf! I had years of a committed relationship, she had 5 months of a sleazy, secret affair. I was the one on the verge of suicide and I'm supposed to give a damn that he "broke her heart". Yeah, guess I should have begged him to go back with her. Then we won't even go into the constant hang up phone calls, endless evil voicemails at H's work etc. She is a class A lowlife b---h. Oh yeah, she also told me that she hoped my life was ruined forever. Too bad for her I guess. If she had just slunk back to wherever she crawled out of when he made it clear the affair was over I would barely even think about her now. She had no right to start calling me and try to further insinuate herself into our lives.

Well, My W had several OM. Though I've fantasized about killing them, in truth I would say I have much more anger toward my W. As K says, I think I go into hatred for the OM when I don't want to face how angry I really am at the W. <P>In our case the OM are all losers. They have neither good looks, nor personality. No money, or prestige - people not worth getting angry at. Now the fact that my beautiful wife would have sex with people like that, now that gets me angry.<BR>Dave

I think for me, the OW is just the anger-dump. Like K says, I don't give a rip about her, never will, so it is easier for her to get the heat-seeking anger...as I work at saving my marriage.<P>But, I also have to say, that having been in a troubled marriage now for 3 solid years...there have definitely been times my anger has squarely been targeted at my H. He is not weak enough to be *her* victim, I believe she sniffed him out of the herd, but he thinks he was the agressor. But anger or any of the other LBs are not going to rebuild my marriage.<P>And, until the BS & WS realize that there were underlying problems in one or both of them that made an affair seem like the answer to one of them...the singular identity of the OP really doesn't matter, s/he's replaceable with a new one, a new solution/addiction.<P>I could destroy the OW, but it wouldn't make my marriage any better. <P>And, sometimes, the person I am really angry at is me.

WOW this is gonna be fun<BR>my H's OW sat there and tried to be friend after i found out about the EA....The after i blew her off SHE followed me HERE just to post to me..... my Origional anger was toward my H cause he sat there and lied to me to my face not to mention betrayed me and our marraige. <BR>My H actually requested that i hit him.... (Imagine that me at 4'10" my H at 6'4").. As of now i feel more hurt toward my H... the how could he do this to us. etc..... whereas now if i ever came face to face with OW id probrably hit her...... not because of the fact that she contributed to my H's EA but because she harassed the hell outa me afterwards. <BR>with Emails and posting here like shes trying to HELP me...... ifr she really wanted to help me common sense would tell her to go away. Not that i havent asked her straight out to GO AWAY because i have so thus i change my names here often..... <BR>not that it has anything to do with anyone here its just vecause of her

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by fairydust:<BR><B> She wanted to be his "friend" and "get advice" and cry about how bad her life was and how much she wished she could have "a guy like him". She knew exactly what she was doing. ...tell H how great he was and "too bad he's married". Of course he let this totally inappropriate friendship develop so he gets equal blame there.<P> ...H has bent over backwards to make everything up to me. He treats me wonderfully and I couldn't ask for a better H. Every once in awhile something triggers me and I feel some anger, but not that often. Of course I love him and I chose to make him part of my life.<P> She has no regrets about what she did except that she didn't get my H in the end. ...Then she had the nerve to tell me "He broke my heart". ... </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ditto for me! Except the A lasted 6 months and her words were "I gave him my heart, and he threw it back at me"--pretty darn close, tho, huh!<P>But the major difference in my case is she continues to play the victim--never said or did a malicious thing to me or my H. Of course, I know she wishes I would drop off the face of the earth!<P>But without the b&*(% aspect, I only pitied her. I had only hatred for my H for quite a while for hurting me, and being able to turn his back so easily on her (something I had also never seen him do before and made him seem even more alien to me.) <P>Some genius here - lostva, I think, told me I had to <B>consciously choose to transfer the direction of my anger from my H onto the OW. This would allow me to glide instead of struggle thru my recovery.</B> Damned if it didn't work! Tho I still pitied her, I consciously started to vent about her here and to my friends. I chose to place the "majority" of the blame on her for going after my H. I no longer doubt my H is the good guy he always was, he just made an incredibly lousy and stupid mistake. <P>And yet, I can wave and smile at her and pray for her with the same sincerity. I can't help myself from feeling sorry for her. She's a very maladjusted egocentric person who hasn't learned how to go about getting her needs met in a positive manner. <BR> <BR>Till she gets some enlightenment, she is destined to be miserable and spread misery. <P>My friends think I'm nuts but I explain it as my "WWJD" mentality. <P>My H laughingly says I'm killing her with kindness. <P>Que sera, sera. <P>Aloha,<P>L<P>"When we do the best we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another."<BR>-Helen Keller<p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited February 01, 2001).]

I think K had it right. It's much easier to transfer the anger to someone in which you have no emotional attachment to then someone with whom you are trying to rebuild or save your marriage.<P>I have actually felt anger towards both my wife and the OM. He is the one who made the proposition, but she is also the one that accepted. In my mind, they're both equally guilty.<P>However, I do recognize that my wife could also be seen as the OW in the eyes of the OM's wife. If she were to ever find out about the A (she doesn't know now), I shudder to think of the horrible things she will be thinking about my wife, or, even worse, if she were to go to their office and make a big scene in front of everyone. It would not be good. It's one of the reasons I haven't told her.<P>Mostly now, though, the anger is gone. I actually feel pity for him. He must not be very happy in his marriage. His EN's are probably not being fulfilled, and he is probably not meeting his W's ENs either. Since he has not chosen to tell his wife of the A, he probably will not ever reach a point of real happiness or closeness with his wife.<P>It's sad all around. Really, really sad. <P>-HurtingDeeply

If the slug was truly an "innocent" - i.e., if she didn't know that he was married, then I would feel badly about the amount of anger I feel toward her. But, she is not in any way innocent... I could go on and on, but I've said it all before.<P>In my case, I know it is a combination of transferrence and the fact that I just plain old despise her because of what she has said and done to me. I keep hoping for that truck with the bad brakes ... <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I can't help but dislike the OW. She knew he was married, had seen pictures of me and had heard him talk about me when they were still just friends. Came from a home were here parents were happily married for forty years, so apparently she wasn't blind to the value of marriage vows and she still persued my H and persues him now. <P> Sorry but she's an immoral slut in my eyes.<P>I have anger towards my H but since I still love him I don't have the urge to beat him over the head with something like I do her.

revision resubmitted.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited February 02, 2001).]

Anger towards the OW vs WS?<P>Well, mine is towards both. It does take 2 to tangle or tango. The WS went looking, the OW was advertising (on the internet). Both bought into this relationship. When they both realized the other was married, the both chose to continue. Guilty conscience or not, it did not stop them from continuing. Broken families, sickness, hardship and heartache didn't phase them. <P>Anger? Thoroughly justified. How to spend that anger? Well, mine to was make lemon out of lemonade. I still am dealing with the sour lemon, but putting a lot of 'sugar' (which I am equating to time and patience) is beginning to have it's effect. <P>This has been a great test on me since I am not a patient person. But given enough time, the OW will put her foot in her mouth and boy it sure makes her look funny. <P>My H's OW tried very hard to make me look bad. Everytime she did, it looked like she was describing herself. Boy, did she look bad. Anyway, she only showed the 'sweet' side to H and the Ms. Hyde side to me (via e-mails). She lives in a soap opera/e-mail world and according to H doesn't have many friends. At first, I used to let this get me down, but now I know better. Every time she points her finger at me (by calling me violent, evil, fat, ugly, that I seduced my H, I 24/7'd him on his cell, etc. - by the way the OW has not even seen me), I know that she has at least 3 fingers or 3 times as much pointing back at her. So I figure, she must also have some real personality problems and try to stay away from the likes of her. <P>What has that done? Well, by not showing my true feelings about her to her (I don't correspond with her via e-mails anymore - I originally corresponded because I thought I was dealing with an intelligent person not an overgrown juvenile at 40+ yrs), per H, she continually wonders if I am out to get her. Well, let her wonder. Persons who make it their aim to break up families need to be worried. At least that is my opinion. <P>As far as WS is concerned, I have expressed my anger & frustration (in conversation and in writing - even keeping a journal), but since he is family, then I am trying to work with him. Depending on his cooperation, that may or may not last. Right now it is still up in the air. However, I am ok with myself and that helps me keep my anger in check. <P>The OW & WS might look like they are getting away with marital murder (breaking up a marriage) but I believe their time or reckoning will come. That will be beyond my control. So I am learning to be patient. My main focus is myself and family. Being in this for the last 2 months seems like an eternity but from listening to the other accounts, I know I have a ways to go. <P>Aloha<P>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited February 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited February 02, 2001).]

Another oops. <P>Just found out how to edit. <P>Sorry.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited February 02, 2001).]

Right now I feel anger toward both of them. Most of my anger for the past 18 mths has been directed toward the OW, she made the moves, according to my H she chased him all over the company, & I feel like most of the time he has tried to break it off, it has been her pulling back. I hate her family because they have encouraged their A, have made it easy for them.<P>I like Terri's truck to head their way. The OW divorced her H without him knowing about the A, I think. I know that she was trying to hide it.<P>I wasn't angry with my H for the A. I was hurt but I understood. What I am angry with now is the continuing lies & the way they have used me for their own ends. It will come back to haunt them one day, right now I can't do anything but I will be able to do so one day.<P>My H could walk in here when he returns & tell me he really wants to work things out, that he has broken with her & I forget everything. As far as the OW, at least I don't pray for her death, I never really did, but I wouldn't be sorry to here about it either.<BR>

Right now my anger is about equal toward my W and the OM. I'm angry at them both for different reasons.<P>My wife confessed to her affair back on Jan. 6. I'd know about it for sometime but she had constantly denied it and lied about it. I'm angry at her for all the lying, for all the time she stole away from our family to be with him, and for breaking her marriage vows. I'm also angry with her because she took away from us something we can never get back, that is the fact that neither my W or I had ever had slept with another person. <P>I'm angry with the OM because he knew my wife was married. He knew my kids and he had meet me a few times. He knew we were a close family but he still went ahead and pursued my W. Sadly, I have found out since he has a reputation for this. So, I'm also angry at him for using people. <P>As my W and I work our way through recovery my anger for her will eventually go away. My anger for the OM will never go away. <P>Archer

I'm with terri. The bimbo is pondscum. I despised her years before the affair. I don't dislike many people. To find out that this s#*t spent so much time playing her needy little tramp game with my H, along with other married men, makes me sick. <BR>I guess it is not so much anger as pure disgust that a creature like that exists.

Has anybody experienced the Om or OW was the bestfreind or a close personal freind? How is your anger reflected towards them.<P>Here is where I am at: I am the WS. I met with the OW's H on tues with our Pastor being there for support. He was also my bestfreind. The relationships with our spouses have been reconsiled and doing well. Now I am trying to reconsile with him. Our meeting was attempt to clear the air. He asked me a couple of questions and them proceeded to share how angry he was and remind me of all the terrible things I did to him. When it was my turn to talk, I told him how sorry I was and how he was right about all the things I did to him. Itold him that I was ashamed at the way I treated him and how selfish I was. I cannot believe some of the things I did- to get what i wanted. I lied to him and everyone else. When it was done we both had cried so hard that is physically hurt. I told him that I missed him. I don't what is going to happen now. I don't if he'll be able to let go of enough anger for us to get close again. We all attend the same church and both agreed that we didn't want to leave because we're close to everyone there. The OW and I have hedges set up as to avoid any contact where we would be alone... This was definately I strongly regret doing because the freindship I have with anyone that knows about it will be tainted. I'm praying his angry will fade and we can build again-- I know its unusual - I guess that is why I'm trying to figure out the anger issue. And don't get me wrong, he deserves to be anger forever at me. J

perch - <P>K said it perfectly. <P>As I've said to my H (he is WS), I have 14 years invested in him - I would much rather throw away the last year (the A), then the last 14. The goal here is marraige survival, and anger at the partner does nothing to achieve that goal.<P>TG

My H is 50% responsible for the affair, just as OW is 50% responsible. I am angry at my H...angry that he broke his vows...angry that he accepted OW's proposition...angry that he allowed her to invade our marriage.<P>I despise the OW. I despise her for propositioning my H, going after a man who she knew was married, regardless of who it would hurt.<P>Although their affair was brief, it still hurts. He dumped her. 9 months later, she contacted him again. He wrote her a NO CONTACT letter.<P>He didn't hear from her for over 1 year. Our recovery had been going well. We had moved forward.<P>Then, just a few days ago, she contacts him again. He writes her another NO CONTACT letter.<P>Tell me, does this ever end? It is 2 years now!<P>I can easily say that I HATE HER!!!