I'm new here, been lurking. On this anger issue though, I wanted to chime in. <P>I had immense rage towards my H. He had 4 A's. The underlying issues were never dealt with which is probably why it kept happening. I was only angry with 1 of the OW. It was because of her own lowlife personality. She was just a tramp, didn't take care of her son, and would "trade" sexual favors for drugs (not with my H but he discovered this when she tried it with a friend of his). If she wanted to screw up her own life, then fine, but she had a child that was not getting cared for at all, and that made me angry.<P>My H, on the other hand, had made promises to me and then spoke vows, which he broke. None of these OW had done that. One thought we were getting divorced because his parents told her so, and also set them up by the way. One thought I was dead. That little tidbit really made me hit the roof. I still get angry sometimes but about the fact that it happened, was never dealt with, and happened again. I calm myself down by focusing on what we are doing today to repair our marriage. The anger has faded a great deal.

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." <P>This is so true. <P>Of course anger is not a "wrong" emotion. It just is. But if you can, choose how you want to direct your energies. When I started to turn negative feelings into positive actions--things just got so much better in my life.

delete<p>[This message has been edited by vernon3 (edited May 15, 2001).]

Vernon3,<P>There are 2 things I know that you can do.<P>It's ok to be angry but if you just put words in your H's mouth he will be just deffensive. so you can say things this way:<BR>"I feel_________ when you _________ because__________. so I want __________.<BR>Try this.<P>Also I learned that anger is the 2nd reaction. When something happens to you you self-talk about it and you will react to it. For example let's say someone did something awful to you. You will think like, how can this person do this to me? It's not fair.. etc, etc... and you will get more mad. Instead, you can think, "well this person didn't do this to hurt me," or "he just got a problem, not me" or whatever you can think. Also if you try to react right away when something happens(especially to negative actions) you will get angry, so maybe first you can try to walk away to have some time to calm down and think.<P>Meg

[QUOTE]Originally posted by vernon3:<BR><B>Leilana,<P>How do you turn negative emotions into positive actions? </B>[/QUOTE}<P>Hmmmm. I gotta think about that one. I guess I just started doing the actions first and let the feelings come later. I just <B>decided</B> I was going to see and react to things in a positive way. I was tired and determined not to let the negative tear me apart anymore. <P>Doing for yourself, making yourself stronger is not selfish, it is the best kind of self-love. <P>But you are not in a plan B? If not, perhaps you should be. Your H's fence sitting is making you hate him/lose love for him--you needed to Plan A only as long as you could maintain your feeling of love for him. You got depleted.<P><I>That</I> is what you should have done in the first place. Plan A/Plan B. Good grief, why does everyone think that it's Plan A/Get depleted/Divorce the SOB!?<BR> <BR>Meg's got great advice. Anger is the major culprit in recovery. It can keep a spouse on the fence where the view on the other side (with OP) seems to be anger-less. Anger can actually push him <I>off</I> the fence to the other side. <P>The same is true if OP starts LB'ing! <P>But anger inevitably destroys you, as well.<P>If you can get a harness on anger, you've won half the battle. In your marriage's recovery or recovery for just yourself.<P> <BR>Aloha,<P>L<BR>