My H confided in a female friend from High- who got us together then- that he was having an affair ( I think because she confided at one time she had an affair with a married man)- she didn't tell me- she told my H he had to find God.<BR>My H asked a friend about counseling he knew they had gone to. The friend said it was because he had an affiar with her boss....He told my H that it is still going on when he visits the other state on business trips. This is a year now- they went to counseling- he is continuing the affair- I don't know if she knows--their reasons are based on - being married for their son and financial reasons. I know that he will be let go of his job, probably today. I haven't said anything to my spouse, except that she should know- it isn't fair. If she thinks they are recovery and he has an extreme pa with the ow.<BR>Today my H forwarded me a picture the wife sent everyone. I now have her e-mail- I didn't have anything before. Should I say anything- anything at all. Even if its about this site- I don't know- I feel awful- I am there now, and I feel betrayed by those who didn't tell me in one way or another..Help?

CRETE, I KNOW THAT IT IS A HARD DECISISN TO MAKE ABOUT TELLING SOMEONE THEIR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR. THE TRUTH IS IF THERE IS AN AFFAIR GOING ON THE SPOUSE PROBABLY ALREADY SUSPECTS SOMETHING. IT IS A MATTER OF FACING REALITY. I KNOW IN MY CASE A FRIEND TOLD A FRIEND AND THEN TOLD ME. BUT I ALSO KNEW THAT H WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR W/OW BUT HE REFUSED TO ADMIT IT BECAUSE I COULDN'T PROVE IT UNTIL HE WAS CAUGHT. IF YOU TELL THEN THE TRUTH IS KNOWN AND MAYBE THEY CAN STILL WORK THINGS OUT. MAYBE THERRE NEEDS TO BE A REEVAUATION ON WHAT IS BEING MET IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP. YOU CAN'T FIX IT IF YOU DON'T KNOW IT'S BROKE.

I read these posts and I feel everyone's pain. I wanted to know if it was really over with my H and the ow. I did everything I could. I read these posts- people want to know- want to know if they have made progress- hoping that they did- wondering-hoping...If someone could tell you- wouldn't you want them too. My situation was first affair - <BR>This situation is affair- counseling- recovering----while still having an affair- how can she compete if she doesn't know. How can she fight her marriage without the weapon of knowledge to win.<BR>I was so mad and hurt that the A happened with my H. That there was a war and I was given nothing to fight with. she deserves to be able to fight for this.<BR>I just wanted feedback from others that are going through that- thinking their in recovery and find out its not over-- wouldn't you have wanted someone to tell you where exactly your relationship with H sits....lies, dishonesty- square one again.<BR>I would want someone who knows the truth to open my eyes to it- but thats me and I haven't experienced an A - recovery - and finding out the A is continuing...<BR>I think she deserves to know. I will ask my H to let me e-mail her.<BR>Even if all the e-mail says is to visit this site...Pretty big hint if you ask me. And if shes ready, she'll let her mind know it.

The last time my H resumed his affair, a friend told me she had seen them together...at a time and place different from where my H said he would be, yet also swore the OW was not with him. If the WS is persuasive and had a track record of honesty, it is very easy to believe lying denials. I did over and over. It is natural to *want* to believe your spouse--especially when they *want* you to believe. Even when your gut is saying, "Something's wrong here."<P>I'm very grateful to her, and have never told my H who told me--because if he's innocent, he doesn't have to worry about who is watching.

Yes, I think if you know of an affair involving persons who you know, you, as their friend, should tell the spouse. You can even do it anonymously if you want.<P>I wish someone had told me. It's our responsibility to do that if we want to live in a moral society. The people who knew and didn't mention anything were being dishonest.<P>The marriage ceremony is not just between the bride and groom, it's also a request by the bride and groom for the community to hold them accountable.<P>Well, my opinion is that we should. Esp. in a society that doesn't seem to value committment and honesty all that much. I would hope that I was willing to do my part to change those values.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Hi, <BR>I am kind of new to this kind of thing but just wanted to get my 2 cents in on this subject. Keeping things a secret is worse than facing the truth. If we don't want to be kept in the dark, then maybe the 'victim spouse' (I'm not used to all the initials) would not appreciate it. <P>The truth may initially hurt but at least you know where you stand and have a starting point to work with. For me that is important. My H has lied and deceived me for the past year, his problem is that he used to be an honest person and so this change in his personality is still somewhat foreign to him and he is a 'bad liar' (gets caught a lot). His OW on the other hand is a good liar and is teaching him the 'tricks of her trade'. <P>I personally think it is better to tell the truth (as tactfully as possible) and leave it for that person to absorb. However, letting them also know there is help available is the next best thing to do. <P>Hope this is helpful. Please take care. <BR>Aloha.<BR>

I am truly glad to see the answers here to Crete's question...<P>There are people who I used to consider friends, and now consider past acquaintances, who knew about my husband's affair for at least a year before I found out. During the course of that year is when he finally made the decision to leave me. If I had known what was going on for certain (I had my major suspicions), I may have been able to do something to change the course that my life has since taken. At the very least, I could have used the peace of mind knowing that I wasn't crazy...<P>And just to clarify: for about a year after my husband left, I remained "friends" with these people. When they gave the slug a job after talking about what a crappy worker she was and about how much they despised her (she had worked for them before), I decided my time was better spent cultivating other friendships.<P>Honesty is always best. If they had told me when they knew about it, things may have gone very differently between my husband and I - and I would have been grateful that they did the right thing and told me. My husband would not have been happy about it, but I think that if we had been able to salvage our marriage as a result, he would have one day realized it was for the best. And one day he WILL realize that staying with me would have been the best choice. Here's hoping he's in time...<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

When people have affairs in this day and age it is LIFE-THREATENING!!! I look at the people in my life who knew about my H's A and I think, "I (and the baby I was pregnant with) could be dying of AIDS right now because you felt "loyalty" to my H was more important than our lives." <P>Maybe that's not what was going through their minds, but that IS the bottom line. People who cheat on their spouses today are holding a gun to our heads in our sleep. Now, if you were in the room and saw that, wouldn't you wake that person up? "Uh, you might wanna move, there's a gun pointed at your head." That's the way I see it.

Excellent point! There are more than just emotional consequences, and many of us have been on the receiving end of those other consequences. I believe the irregular pap smear I had two years ago was a direct result of my husband's involvement with slug. Some medical scientists believe that all cervical and uterine cancers are caused by viruses in the HPV group (human papilloma virus, I believe), so the health consequences of an affair may take years to actually show up.<P>If you have been intimate with your spouse after he or she has been intimate with someone else, you are at risk of STD. Go to the doctor and get tested. Share why you are asking and they will know what to test you for. ALL STD TESTING IS CONFIDENTIAL. Please don't delay - it could mean your life. <P>And, if you know of someone whose spouse is cheating on them, PLEASE tell. Living with their anger will be far better than living with knowing you could have helped to prevent them from getting HIV or cervical cancer.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I answered my own question in my other post. It is a bigger Hell to know that someone knew and could have stopped the A from escalating, or knowing that your spouse had feelings and didn't tell you, resulting in an A happening. Thanks anyway, I just experienced the truth and it was HELL- finding out someone knew...<BR>Would appreciate some honest people in this world!! Wish I had true friends- not emotional murderers.