<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<P>Yes. Everything my H did or didn't do in the house used to annoy me. When I started to Plan A, I let go of that. I am a much happier person for it. There comes a time when you just have to decide - Is this worth it in the big picture? Milk, messy house, dinner? Do I make a big deal about these or do it the way I want it done myself? I chose the latter. It makes for a more peaceful household. At first it is hard but after a while it doesn't even matter anymore.<P>BTW, you can have an argument without LBing. It's all in the way you say things. <P>cleo

Just two days ago my H and I were describing similar conflicts to our marriage counsellor. For us the bone of contention is kitchen duties. It's a small thing and a bigger thing at the same time. The milk is a non-issue really. The resentment arising from non-issue is more serious. I can appreciate how you feel OOOO. I am the spouse who feels the burdens are piling up and piling up on me while my H spends a good portion of his time doing what I perceive as "whatever he feels like doing." <P>Since I've allowed such things to continue for a prolonged period of time and accumulated an abundant supply of resentment, I'm not a good person to make suggestions. I do hope that you can address the situation in a loving way so that no more resentment builds up. It sort of turns life into a leaky boat, and each time I unload my resentment, more of it seeps back in. <P>My counsellor stated at the end of our session last time that my H and I are having a power struggle. I'm a bit mystified by the observation. The C said every marriage has them. If I learn something that might be helpful on this thread, I'll come back next week and share what I've learned. Maybe you're having a power struggle too, OOOO?

OOOO<P>It was how I kept house & how I took care of myself that led to my H's A. Of course I really didn't know that any of this bothered him. So I do think the little things add up to losing love for someone. In my head it is silly but in the heart it makes sense. Talk to her.<P>Prayers always.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OOOO,<BR>Here's something you might find interesting. I'm not sure what to make of it myself. Like you, I feel like I carry more than my share of the burdens. My H isn't a slouch in the "couch potato" sense, but he's very good at not doing things that don't suit him. That in itself causes resentment in me. Like, hey, maybe <I>I'd</I> like to spend my days doing what suits me while someone else tends to the drudgery. grrrr <P>For the majority of my marriage, I feel like I've bent over backwards to accommodate my H. Last month he did several things that surprised me. One of them was agreeing to counselling. I thought I'd never see the day. <P>During our first session together (I started alone in November), my H did most of the talking. He spent most of that time complaining about how demanding I am and made me sound like a control freak. What a shock! I can tell you it put my stomach in knots. I try very hard to accept him the way he is, and this is the thanks I get? <P>I tried to think of a nonLB way of discussing my feelings. A week went by before I could think of the right words, and there we were in session two. So I came out and said that I had knots in my stomach thinking about what H said the previous week. I said, if my actions in the past are controlling, then the only way I can think of to avoid controlling behavior is to have no expectations, no requests, and no complaints either. That's NOT my idea of a healthy marriage, and I don't see a future for us if that's how things need to be. <P>We actually had a period of time where we got along without conflict. It seemed like every time I had an expectation of my H, or a request, what I got in return was disappointment. So I reduced my expectations to zero and asked for nothing. On the surface, things were harmonious. On the inside, my spirit began to wither. <P>Three months ago my spirit had completely shrivelled into dust. I moved out for a month in an effort to revive my soul. I am distressed at the amount of time it's taking to recover. My words never seemed to penetrate my H's brain. My actions did. My H is finally showing interest in the marriage, and now I'm the one who feels distanced. My gosh, if he felt controlled before, what kind of chance for success do we have? In truth, I think his statements reflect more on him than on me. <P>OOOO, I'm telling you this because I hope it will help you formulate a pathway out of your unhappiness. The resentment you describe will suffocate the roots of your spirit. I fear that I waited too long to take action. I hope for you to fare better. <P>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Had to jump in here, read Phil McGraws Life Strategies, Sometimes we wonder why people treat us poorly, it is simply because we let them. Being treated with respect is not a LB or an unreasonable request. Good Luck Jenni

I haven't read that one yet. HDN, can you give us a preview?

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>