Well sometimes I feel almost ashamed to post what I'm going through. It's crazy - we go to counselling, and often my hurt pride keeps me from talking about what is really bothering me.<P>My W just confessed to two affairs that I had not known about. I found out about the first 5 months ago. The latest brings her total to 5. One of the newest is the brother of her friends husband.<P>We had been seemingly making some progress, but whenever there were rough times, she would get real angry, and say "this will never work", "it's hopeless, I want a divorce". She was so quick to lapse into anger, just like always, that I kind-of knew she was still hiding something.<P>I had begged her to tell me the whole truth from the beginning, but she couldn't. Finally, I guess, she realized she had to tell. Afterwards, her tears came - she had cried so little over this that that was a sign she was still lying too, but with her latest confession, she cried uncontrollably for most of the night.<P>Because of her reaction, I *do* believe she is finally being honest with me. There is a comfort in that, and I think we just may be able to start some real rebuilding now. It still hurts real bad though. All the hurts I was getting over have been ripped open again. Her lies after the orignal discovery are like another betrayal, because I was suffering so much I begged her to tell my why, and how it started. She was lying about how it began, the truth would have given me a little comfort, because her first A happened right after she relapsed onto drugs. I originally knew only of OM #3,4,5. #3 started while she was not using drugs so the "why" question haunted me.<P>I wanted to post to get real a little bit. As I said, I'm often ashamed to talk about this. My Ws behavior was like that of a slut. I discovered porno "stories" she wrote detailing in the most horrifing language, just what she did with the OM. As a result I know some things that sometimes make me feel like killing myself, or her. Just now I called her a slut, and whore. <P>We're trying to work through this. Strange, though these past few days have been bad, at least I feel that we've reached the bottom, and we can rebuild for real now. I have to find a way to accept what's happened though. Believe me, it's real tough knowing several men had unprotected sex with your wife - that she would have sex with a man, then coome home and have sex with me. She would give oral sex to a man on the way home from work, a half mile from here, wipe her mouth off, then drive home and kiss me at the front door. Unfortunately, theres even worse stuff than this, but it gives you an idea what I'm dealing with.<P>I don't know, maybe you other BSs could just say a little prayer for me? My W is full of true remorse now. I can tell. She *said* she was sorry before, but the lies were preventing her from getting humble. Now I need to get humble. We have children, and despite it all, I love my wife.<BR>Dave

David ..... your Mrs. needs serious therapy. Was she ever abused as a girl? She sounds ripe for therapy now. A good chance she'll recover.<P>I'm so impressed you plan to stand by her and help her work out her problems (whatever they are). A lesser man would only consider his own pain and discomfort.<P>YOU ROCK! <P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Believe me, I know what you are talking about. Every time you think you are on the road to recovery you discover new lows. My W is of the same nature. To this day I don't have the whole story and I am trying to figure out if I can go on without knowing it.<P>The only advice I can give you is that my gut instincts have always been correct. If you truly feel that she is telling you the truth, she probably is. If you feel like she might be withholding, you are usually right.<P><P>------------------<BR>will2survive

Your marriage may not have been perfect (who's is???) but your wife did not cheat on you because of your faults & failures, bt because of hers. Try not to be ashamed of being cheated on...You should be proud of your strength instead.<P>Kathi

Hi Davidb,<P>I wish I knew some words that could magically comfort you or ease your pain. I can promise you this- it DOES get easier. You are probably at the worst stage there is, when the shock has worn off and and you actually feel the physical and emotional pain of betrayal.<P>I know that this pain is somehow different for men and women, though it is also very much the same. I have never really felt ashamed that I was betrayed, though I have felt somewhat naive and foolish. I totally trusted my husband, and was caught completely off-guard by his affair.<P>One thing to realize is that people who have affairs are not in their right minds for the most part. In my husband's case, it was a typical male mid-life crisis thing. In your wife's case it was obviously the drugs.<P>Another thing to realize is that you have not done anything wrong. Even if your marriage was not perfect (none is) and even if you were not the perfect husband (there aren't any), you did not invite or deserve your wife's infidelity. Her choice to have affairs actually had nothing to do with YOU, but everything to do with HER.<P>Most of us aren't dealing with as many different affairs as you are, but the healing process is much the same. No one on this site will tell you that it is easy to recover from this heartbreak. Most will agree that walking away is much easier than staying together after an affair. But we are all here because we believe in the commitment of marriage and want to save our families. We want to do what is best for our children and is pleasing in God's eyes. So onward we go, somedays just surviving and somedays actually making progress toward recovery. It is an ongoing battle for each of us.<P>I suggest that each day you look at yourself in the mirror, and be thankful that you were not the one who was unfaithful and that you CAN look at yourself in the mirror without shame. Look at the faces of your precious children and realize that they are worth the sacrifice and hard work that you are doing now.<P>You are a faithful husband, a caring father, and a strong man trying to get over the biggest hurt one spouse can inflict on another. You have nothing to be ashamed of.<P>Peppermint

Hi Dave,<P>I'm so sorry for these new revelations. I can imagine how hard it is for you to support your marriage with these new findings.<P>Honestly, sometimes I feel ashamed for staying. I feel like the front doormat--may as well lay my body at the front door and step all over me...grind & kick the filthy dirt into me. I think it is only natural to feel ashamed. But these actions & behavors of our wayward spouses, we truly have no control over.<P>We can only control ourselves...try to be a person that anyone (society) would be proud of.<P>Your wife has some major issues within herself that she needs to deal with. The drugs are a huge factor. Just like any drug (alcohol, for instance), it inhibits her from thinking & behaving rationally. The positive fact is that she openly admits it. That is a "plus." That is a start in the right direction.<P>Is your wife in therapy and dealing with these addictions? The addictions have to be dealt with first, before marriage can begin recovery.<P>You & your wife will be in my thoughts...

WHAT is it with this writing! My W and her latest bo had a continuing fit with writing their mystical romantic X-rated saga. Not very well do at all.<P>I got the shame stuff burned out of me about 18 yrs ago. Now it's no big thing. The pain is still there, but it's the betrayal and dishonesty.<P>You might consider something we did years ago. After the worst of the recovery process is behind you, go and get re-married. It's a symbolic thing but it helps. We also moved to another state and that helped.<P><BR>

Davidb<P>When I first read this post I really felt a sadness come over me. My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to you for the pain and sadness that your are feeling. That is something that I cannot relate to. I am a betrayer. Whenever I read post such as yours, it brings me a little closer to reality and helps me face the real horrors of infidelity and the suffering that a BS goes through.<P>You have nothing at all to be ashamed of, but your W does. You can look in the mirror every morning and see a person that did the right thing. Your W will have to look in the mirror every morning for the rest of her life and face herself and what she has done. She can't take that mirror off the wall and pretend the image is not there. And she can't take the mirror and fix herself either. She is going to need a lot of work on her part to turn her life around. When you are climbing the mountain of life, it is so very easy to turn around and go down hill. And the trip down can be very quick. But, it is very hard when you are going downhill to turn around and start back uphill. Always remember this: You are the one that is standing above her on this hill. You can reach out, give her a hand, and help turn her around. My W did this for me. She didn't let me fall completely to the bottom, instead, she gave me her hand, gave me her love, gave me someone to look up to, and has helped me start my uphill climb.<P>I have been in your W's shoes and I can tell you that from the sound of things that you have described here, maybe she has reached her low point. If she wants to seek help, and she should, encourage her. You have a right to be mad. You have a right to be sad. But, do not be ashamed for being the good person in your relationship. When your W finally "GET'S IT", she will feel enough shame for her astions. No one deserves to be betrayed, for any reason.<P>My thoughs are with you during this very tough time.<P>.............fs <P>

Dave, I can understand how you feel ashamed! I've often felt like a total failure due to my STBX's infidelity. I thought I had been the "good guy" she had always been looking for, so why would she do this to me?<P>I don't know much about your history, or your W, but let me tell you a little about my STBX. She had been in an abusive relationship for 6 years before we met. I'd been able to piece together a few things before her affair, but when it all came out into the open it made things really clear.<P>She had suffered such abuses at the hands of her Ex-BF that it basically ruined our life together. She had been abused not only verbally and physically, but sexually. He raped her repeatedly, had her perform acts on him with his friends present, and as a result, she had no frame of reference from which to deal with a "normal" guy like me. Our sex life was spoiled by her subconcious fears, and her expectations of how relationships were supposed to be were thrown all out of whack by the way I treated her.<P>Basically, I realized that she really wasn't doing all of this to hurt me...she was just a confused, hurt person herself, whose actions have been driven by her seriously dysfunctional life before she met me. I hadn't really uncovered all this until I went to a shrink to talk about my problems. We wound up talking about my STBX for most of the time! He said "well, that sounds like nothing that 10 years of therapy won't make a small dent in..."<P>The bottom line is that there is something in her past which drives her to do such nasty things with other men. She doesn't even know WHY she's doing these things. The fact that drugs are involved make it that much harder. Trying to figure out "why" someone does something under the influence of drugs is a dead end. <P>Take heart. As others have said here, this has nothing to do with YOU. She has a reason for doing these things, and she probably doesn't even know the reason herself!<BR>