This is my first posting. My wife was unfaithful a couple of times. We have been working through the information on this web site to try and recover. My question is this: Is it possible for me to move past this with out knowing the entire truth (that is everything that happened)? So far, she will only confirm what I already know, going no further. I don't feel like I can close this episode in our relationship without knowing everything that I am supposed to forgive.<P>Any advice?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>My question is this: Is it possible for me to move past this with out knowing the entire truth <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>will2,<BR>I notice you responded to my thread, so you know a little about my situation. I hope you find your way to recovery. For me, it was tough not knowing the full truth. We seemed to be progressing, but the doubts were really hurting me. When there have been more than one betrayal, it is hard to know when the lies stop, and how many men there were.<P>Worse, I think, than the doubts I was facing, my W was unable to heal while continuing to lie about the extent of the betrayal. She would get angry, and accuse me of "lovebusting" when I would ask her things. I honestly don't see how our marriage could have survived with a partial truth. The feeling of safety was just not there. She finally told all because she could not live with herself.<P>Now I know there are many people who deal with spouses who will not come clean about the A, but I know for us, it never would have worked. <BR>Dave

Dave is absolutley correct, without the truth, you cannot recover. I should know, I am his wife. <P>It is so difficult to recover from this type of betrayal. Not that I am a great source of information, but, I have built a life based on lies. Does she post here? Does she read here? Have her read some of my threads. Or if you would like she could email me. Let me know.<P>I have gotten tons of help, and thru the help and support of this group I was finally able to tell my husband the truth. <P>I heard so many times in my life that I only "came clean" after I had been confronted. How am I able to recover, if my stuff is only confirmed? Not that I wanted to look for a lie, I still had more to the story. I prayed, read, and I knew that the only way out of this mess was the truth. <P>I don't know much about your wife, but, I suspect she has a lot of hurt, and shame that she is hiding from. She feels scared, alone, worthless, like she is the only one in the world. She is not alone. Does she believe in God? I don't want to sound like a preacher, or that I have now found religion, but, I will tell you, that I had a something missing in my life. It was a spiritual void, that was filled up with drugs, men, food, anything. It was only from turning to God, that I was finally able to break thru and come clean. It will be a rough road. Getting honest isn't always the easiest, and nobody said it would be pain free. However, in order to get past the pain, you need to go thru the pain. <P>If you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.<P>PJ

<BR>It was the lies and the deception more than any other single thing that destroyed my love for my W. She did almost exactly what you have described your wife as doing, will2survive. There were secret email accounts and secret meeting places and secret dates. I only know what I figured out on my own. Any request for her to fill in the blanks was flatly refused. She filed for divorce just before Christmas.<P>It's my belief that the betrayed spouse has the right to ask whatever questions they want to ask, and that the betrayer is obilgated to answer those questions truthfully and completely, without leaving the betrayed with the wrong idea about anything. It doesn't seem to work out that way very often, but there are people here who have approached the recovery from infidelity in that way. and almost without exception their marriages are recovering.<P>On the other hand, there are those here who have been able to salvage their relationships even though there are unanswered questions. Sometimes with a LOT of them. It may be possible, but I think it's less likely. If your wife is working with you, perhaps with time she'll feel more comfortable filling in the blanks. <P>