My question- <BR> Do you let others know, friends, family, kids that my H is having an A?<BR> My family and kids know. And I am at a point I want him held accountable. As this has gone on for what seems like an eternity I need to vent.

I may be different from some, but I need to talk to people to see if my perceptions are correct. So I told all of my friends, so that I could check. And get some sympathy. And hopefully some help.<P>For the general public, I don't care. If it comes up in conversation, I will address it. Otherwise, no.

I immediately told my mother and two best friends for input and support - then I told his sister- in law, because she is a Psychologist and I thought she would help my H.<P>I didn't tell anyone else for awhile, then told my oldest brother, so my mom could vent to him and my aunt - who is my religious counsel. No one else in the family knows what happened. I will leave it at that - I just finished phoning all of my brothers because I have officially served divorced papers and I wanted to understand the changes going on - I won't tell anyone else what happened - it's over, so be it.<P>In fact - my H told me tonight he is having answering the 'but why' questions (we were supposedly such a perfect couple) - I told him to just tell them 'it was because I wanted children and he just didn't' and let it be that...most folks knew we were trying to have kids, so that will make it easier for him. Why make it easier??? why not - he has to live with the truth, that's bad enough.

I haven't told anyone about my wife's A - except for all of you fine people! <P>I feel that once you let the cat out of the bag you don't know what's going to happen. It could easily spin out of control.<P>As if things needed to get any more complicated!<P>-HD

Thanks for the input. <BR> I found out so many others have this problem. The only way I could have found out was to relay to them what I was going through. I don't generally bring it up unless they ask how my H is doing. Then I give it up.

DW,<P>This was also a concern that was burning through my mind for many weeks after I found out about my wife's affair. I felt that since she wanted to keep it from our daughters, her parents and other family, that it would aid in recovery if they knew. It might even make her take another look at the situation if she even thought I'd reveal things.<P>What I did was get involved in counseling with Steve Harley. He made me see that me revealing the affair to others would only be received by my wife as somehow being my fault, that I wouldn't have her best interests at heart if I did this. I guess it really depends upon how much you want to save your marriage.<P>Your best bet would be to talk with him. He will help you devise a plan and revealing the affair to loved ones will be a part of it. But only after you lay down a foundation of trust (Plan A) to show you have the WS best intersets in mind.

Always hopeful, <BR> Thanks for your input. It makes me look at things in a different light. <BR> From here on out I am going to be aware of what I am saying and to whom. <BR> My motives were more for me, now that I think about it. <BR> Thanks again everyone!

DeputyWife-<BR>I think you've gotten good advice from others. It depends on your situation, but I would agree completely with Steve Harley's advice. Unless there is someone who really needs to know to help support you, don't tell anyone. Your H may view telling people as a major major LB, a way to be mean and punish him. Remember, people will tend to flock around you and support you. They will condemn him. It will make him uncomfortable with all of those people. You may say "Who cares? He did this." If your goal is to help him, care about him, and work on your marriage, you should respect this as far as you can, while getting the support you need.

Everyone knew when we were seperated but I didn't tell about my suspicions of an affair. when we got back together and I found out for sure I told afew close friends, my sister (she had been through the same thing with her xH) H's sister and her husband. I really found it much easier not to have everyone to know. Of course if he had actually divorced me for the ho I would have broadcast it all over the place lol. No way would I have kept their dirty little secret for them.<BR>

I have told a number of my close girlfriends - I have one I vent the most with and they have all kept it to themselves. I think my H would be disturbed to know how many actually know...yikes. The only one in our families that know is my younger sister. The rest only know that we've gone through some troubles but are working on it.

It probably depends on the circumstances. IF it's kept secret, then your h & ow probably have a much easier time doing whatever it is they are doing. They answer to nobody but you.<P>As soon as I exposed my h's ea, it ended. When confronted with reality, neither H nor ow were prepared to take the heat.

My W's EA is like the one found in the book Surving an Affair, the soul mate type with Sue, Greg, and Jon as the characters. When my W moved out Steve Harley told me to tell people, if they ask, that my W is in love with OM. I did not do this! W moved out Dec 2, 2000. I regret that I didn't, so last week I started telling people about W and OM. I told my sister and my sister told my W's sister. Parents don't know yet. This EA will become a PA around the first part of March because they are planning to meet. My sister-in-law is pissed and is going to talk (yell) whatever to my W. Sister-in-law feels that I have been plan Aing way too long (1.5 years) and is time to fight fire with fire because W's EA keeps going on and won't try to commit to me. Hell is going to break loose soon and I am preparing for the rollercoaster ride of a lifetime!<P>Depends on the situation, tell people who really care about the two of you. They may help. I found most friends don't want to get involved and really have no spine to say what they really believe in!!

Thanks,<BR> Wesse, that's what I've heard about keeping a secret. That once it's out the more likely they will not have that little secret to themselves and it takes away a bit of the naughtyness that makes the A appealing.<BR> My H and I are seperated, H moved out Sept 23,2000 4:11 central time. ( I was staring through tear at the clock when he walked out the door).<BR> He only recently moved in with OW. I had been doing plan A even though at the time I didn't even know about Dr. H books.<BR> Haven't even done much LBing because God has given me so much strength through this time.<BR> But when he moved in with OW that seemed to put a new slant on it and I switched to plan B. But with two teenage sons there are things that come up. So, we do talk. But with God's help I'm hanging in there.<BR> Our whole family knows-I need their prayers and support. OUr boys know everything. And like I said previously, if someone asks about him I will let them know. Many of these are people from our church and I really desire their support.<p>[This message has been edited by deputywife (edited February 02, 2001).]

I am new and just browsing around but wanted to add my two cents here. My H affair was 3 years ago. The only people in my life I told were my three closest friends, one tried to be supportive to a point but can not fathom why I stay and to be honest if I could go back I would not have told her. I told these three because I felt so alone, I needed support and understanding, someone to vent to etc. I am a very private person I really am not the open book type. I felt (and still feel) embarrassed and humiliated by his actions. As for my family my grandmother and sister know we went through a very difficult time but I lied about what was going on (I know, bad me) and they have no idea of the truth and I am glad every day that I did not break down and tell them the truth. This was not done to protect him, it was for me. Now as for his part, his entire family and everyone close to him knows because this is how he handled his situation. If I had it my way they would not know either. It is the "big family scandal" of his family that will never die. They relish in every minute of the scandal and take every opportunity to tell every person who comes down the pike that missed out on it when the news "broke". It sickens me and makes it very difficult to be around these people and not loath the site of them. This is a very personal decision, go with your instincts, if you feel you want to tell others and this will benefit you, go for it, but if you don't like people in your business then don't. Keep in mind once you tell someone you can not take it back regardless to their reaction or your own for that matter.<P>------------------<BR>incoginto :-)