posted January 31, 2001 09:12 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>I'm a 39 year old male who had absolutely no idea that this was coming.i thought i had the perfect family ...beautiful wife two beautiful children.<BR>last month after a great ski weekend with the kids my wife tells me that she has fallen out of love with me ane we need to seperate.she told me that i lean on her too much and she can't take the preasure of the family lifestile because she married too young and never got a chance to experiance life<P>So i pleaded with her and told her i would change but she told me it was too late and that she wasn't in love with me any more but she loved me as a friend.<P>she told me that she was going to stay with a girlfriend three days a week and that she would sleep on the couch when she was home .i told her that i could live with that and for the next two weeks i did everything to show her that i still loved her and i would do anything to save our marrage.i sent flowers ,iwrote poems i spent more time with the kids, i helped more around the house but still she told me that we were only going to be good friends....but we were becoming better friends ..having great conversations and getting along fine ..as roomates<P>then comes mistake # 1 ...i couldn't understand her sudden change in attitude so i kept asking her if there was some one else she told me there wasn't but i didn't believe her because i kept finding evidance that she was hiding things and not wearing her wedding ring when she left....so one day she left her journal out and i couldn't help but open it and read it ..and there it was in black and white she was "in love " with anouther man.when i confronted her with it she told me that it was her fantisy and that she was hurt that i would read her personal thoughts.so i let it drop and went back to being the best friend that i could be.<P>as time went on there were more hints that there was someone else and i just couldn't take it any more.i wrote her a long leter and told her how i loved her and how i didn't care that she had an affair but it would have to stop now or she would have to leave full time because it wasn't fair to me or the kids . i told her that if she chose him over me we would have to tell the kids because honesty with the kids has always been very important to both of us....I was sure that faced with that she would decide to give counceling a try...<P>which brings me to mistake #2<P>She told me that yes there was a man but he was just a friend and she did have feelings for him but there wes no sex and she wouldn't do that until after we were divorced<BR>so she told the kids (who handled it better that i did) and she left.... and once again i pushed her further out of my life.<P>so over the next two weeks we would talk for a couple of hours when she was droping off or picking up the kids and things once again seemed cold but friendly..you have to understand that through all of this i don't think our voices were raised once.<P>then there was mistake # 3 <P>during the time that she was away i would wallow in self pitty and write her these lenghty letters telling her how i would wait forever and how i would still love her no matter what she was thinking or doing...then out of nowhere she asked me out for a drink <P>i was sure that this was the beginning of a reconciliation.....boy was i wrong ...as we talked she told me that she would always love me as a friend and that i would always be a part of her life and nothing that i could do or say would ever change her mind then as we talked more and we drank more the real truth came out...she hadn't been staying with her girlfriend but she was staying with him.they have been having an affair for two months and she is in love with him.<P>well with that i had to leave and i went home depressed and heart broken ..there were some times over the last month or so that i thought that i might be making some headway but this just blew me away...<P>so i sat down and wrote her a half angry ,half pleading letter. i told her that she was being selfish and that there were other lives at stake here other that hers and that in 6 months when she found out that he wasn't all that he was cracked up to be i would still be here waiting for her and that it would hurt me too much for me to see her any more so she should not stay around when she comes with the kids.<P>mistake # 4<P>she wrote me back and told me that if that was what i wanted then she would stay away and that she hoped we could be friends again one day. and that i should get on with my life because she wasn't ever coming back. she said she wants to start the paperwork in the next two months....every time i try to do the right thing i push her further away<P><BR>now i think i've done it again.<BR>last week i sent a letter to my wifes parents to let them know that i still cared for them and that i didn't want to keep them from the children or change our relationship in any way. i told them that i still loved my wife and that mabey with gods help someday we would be together.<P><BR>well today i got a call from my mother in law and she told me a story that my wife had told her that was so far from the truth that i couldn't believe it.i knew that she wouldn't tell her mother about the OM but she said that the breakup was mutual and that i wanted it as much as her. she said that we went to counceling and it didn't help<P>so i got caught up in conversation and i told her mom that i thought there was anouther man...i stopped short of telling her that i knew it for sure. i told her that i would do anything to repair our marrage but my wife will not try.<P>well now my inlaws are going to have a long talk with her and try to figure out what is going on..i told them that it would only make matters worse but they can be as stubborn as my wife<P><BR>i'm sure now she will think that i am trying to turn her family against her<P><BR>should i warn her ?<P>should i still be friendly with her when i see her ?<P>should i still try to win her back or should i wait and see if this all falls apart<P>i don't know which way to turn..it seems that everything i do is wrong<P>i just need to know which way i should be handleing the situation .<P>should i let her go on her own and let her experiance lifes bumbs and hardships without my help ? will i be pushing her more into his arms?<P><BR>or should i be showing her that i will be there for her no matter what the situation and be her friend no matter how much it hurts me ?<P><BR>I hope someone can help me find the answers i don't seem to be doing a very good job by myself<P>so that is my story up till now<P>i am still so much in love with her i know that i could live with her infidelity if she would just give me a chance ..i would change anything that she wanted, i would cut off my right arm if i thought it would bring her back.<P>i feel that i am on a runaway train and every time i reach for the brake the train speeds up..<P>is there anything that i can do now <P>i am seeing a councelor , i have changed everything i can think of that might upset her but how can i compete with new love.<P><BR> <P><p>[This message has been edited by me 24 (edited February 02, 2001).]

Read this site. Buy/order a copy of a Surviving An Affair, get counseling or make a phone appt with the Harley's. <P>Come here & vent. Most of us have been where you are. You can get lots of great advice here, or just know that someone cares.<BR>

me 24,<BR>I might be kinda obtuse, but even as you've labelled your mistakes, I can't figure out what they were.<P>#1 reading the journal--ok, you probably shouldn't have done that, but Honesty is one of the main tenets of MB...including giving your spouse access to emails, letters, etc. Hiding something from you was *her* error.<P>#2 She lied & left, you were calm...this sounds like you didn't lovebust, so actually you began the MB Plan A. Again, not a mistake, even if you feel stupid--it isn't *you* she is the liar, you trusted your wife.<P>#3 Loving letters are ok, pleading...you should try to stay away from, but it happens to a lot of us. My H & I separated 7 times, there was once that involved me so upset I clung to his leg (I'd been kneeling by the chair he was sitting in), once I threw up. So, hey, you didn't throw up . And the final letter you talk about, except for the anger, sounds a lot like a LOVE MUST BE TOUGH or Plan B letter. And, after 7 separations, 14 out of 21 months, my H & I have been back together since May 00.<P>#4 Telling her mom might not have been the best course of action, but your W lied to her mom. You have every right to say, "I love my wife and do not want this divorce."<P>Altogether, it sounds to me like you've done ok in dealing with your W. As sing says, read this site, you may not really want to be in Plan B yet with no contact with your W, but setting her on her own so that OM has to meet all her needs is often a wake up call to the wayward spouse.<P>The other thing...you don't say the ages of your children, but legally I don't think you can keep them from her. See a lawyer now to avoid any future custody problems. It may be better to set up temporary visitation, stipulating (if legally possible in your state) that the OM isn't spending the night if the kids do.<P>I'm glad you are seeing a counselor, that is an excellent step.<P>Best wishes,<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Welcome <B>me 24</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>This is a confusing time for you...<BR>...catch your breath...<BR>...learn about the concepts first, before any big decisions...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi me24,<P> I'm sorry you're here but welcome to the club.....First off, I agree totally with Lor. <P> I know just how you feel that every step you take seems to be wrong and pushing her the wrong way. I used to almost have panic attacks thinking that I had done or said the wrong thing. Try as hard as you can to stay away from angry outburst and other "lovebusters" but realize that she is deep in the "affair fog" and you are not causing her crazy behavior. Oh, and she will blame you for EVERYTHING (she needs some justification)<P> Read all of the suggested books etc. and do try to counsel with Steve Harley, he is excellent . You are quite fresh in all of this and getting a good plan will help you. It MAY take awhile for the affair to disintegrate.....hang in there and hold on tight......LU