Dear friends<P>I dont know why I called this "dilemna' given that the whole business is such. Many of you will know my story. It has been more than 2 years since d-day. During that time H and I have separated and got back together a number of times. Finally, last November I moved out and went to Plan B. Then went to a modified plan B in response to a request from him. We had Christmas apart (but exchanged presents at a distance), and spent new year together. I then wrote and said "enough, I dont want to hang around on the perimeter of your life; end all contat with OW and then we can talk about rebuilding". He has sent e-mails and phoned - about the ordinairy and every day thibgs except once to tell me he tought of me "often,warmly and affectionately". <P>That's the bgrd. And there is more in my previous posts. Now to this week - H and I attended a dinner on Monday to celebrate an event for friends; I did not know he would be there. He was pleased to see me,we spent some time together and enoyed it; it was pleasant and friendly; even shared a taxi with me afterwards - he is staying with a friend (which I have confirmed) ie not living with OW. And the next day I ran into him in the street. He invited me to see his new office. I went - and for the first timein many months it seemed like we actually forgot "the situation" for a moment- we had fun, laughed, shared some memories and enjoyed ouselves; he gave me a hug as we parted. And then reality hit - he was going back to his world and me to mine; subsequently he rang me twice about some things to do with my work and travel. I have been up and down like a yo-yo all week. <P>Commonsense tells me not to get "seduced" back into his compartmentalised world of me and OW. I know I can go on alone - but I would rather share my life with him - but not with OW. Now to the dilemn(s);<P>(1) We had agreed to "talk" at the end of the month about "what next" - I have not heard from him re this.<P>(2) He is still in contact with OW but I think it is now EA andnot PA.<P>(3) I am currently living in an apartment (since I left our home) - but I have to move out by 14 February - I want to go home but H is there each w/end (like now)he spends Fri-Mon pm in the country at out home and then goes to the city Tues-Thurs (where OW lives)<P>(4) Amusing aside - a good long time friend contacted H during this week to tell him her H is having an affair - and seeking his advice - her H is really concerned about what my H will think of him and what he has done; they dont know about our situation and our good friend will be mortified that she has gone to "the devil" to seek advice !!<P>The dilemna I have is this. I know that H does not see a long term future with OW but as often as he has tried he has not successfuly ended contact in two plus years. We do care very nuch for each other and have managed to stay friendly throughout this; very few LBs in the past year; and when things have got too hard we have both cried and talked about our care and love for each other - and then separated. <P>Problem? I am tired of this - not surprisingly. I feel like writing and saying - I know we care about each other - we have a huge depth of shared experience and love (no serious problems before this) - I also understand the baggage that has piled up as a result of this and how badly he feels (he has said it so many times) - PLEASE, lets get back together and sort this out. In response I doubt he has the commitment (because OW remains on the sideline) or the courage to move out of his paralysis. He seems to have backed himself into a corner - like a demented and scared animal - I am fearful he will become all defensive if I say any of this to him or that I will end up feeling like a very foolish person coaxing a recalitrant cat out of a lair; or a puppy dog scratching at the door attempting to get in. <P>God knows (and so does my H) that I have tried so hard to salvage this wreckage I dont know whether to just do nothing or to try one more time ie take the initiative and say "we said we were going to talk and i would like to do so".<P>Believe me, I am relatively calm. I am compassionate about his pain and confusion and I care for him as I know he does for me - but this is a real stalemate. On the other hand I could just as easily phone him and say I want a divorce. I want an end to all of this uncertainty but I dont know what to do - invite him in or tell him, finally, to $%^# off; or do nothing.<P>If you have read this far you are an angel. I sure could do with your advice.<P>Thanks<P>R

Rose,<P>I feel for you. I was wondering if ya'll have had your talk. I guess the question is can you live & peace & not have the talk or do you need to know what he has to say.<P>You know that I have been not pushing mine, but my H makes not pretense that he loves me, the OW is his soul mate , the love of his life & he doesn't know if it worth giving her up for his sons. <P>So I think you have more hope than I do but I have been at this almost as long as you.<P>Prayers coming your way, whatever you find is best for you. I wish you peace & happiness my friend you deserve the best there is.<BR>

Don't have much to offer in the way of advice - I am not really where you are, although some of the situation is similar.<P>You wrote: "And then reality hit - he was going back to his world and me to mine." And that sentence alone spoke volumes to me because of my own situation. It is horrible to actually think about that: his life/my life ... when it should be 'our lives' together.<P>I just want you to know that I've been that yo-yo myself, and I know exactly how it feels. Only difference is that mine goes home to the slug as part of "his life." It's a killer ... <P>Sending hugs and courage to you...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>