Hello folks,<P>I am so very grateful for all of the warm & productive responses & replies that I received on my last post (regarding OW back in the picture). There are so many of you. I apologize for not thanking you individually...but I truly am grateful.<P>Regarding the most recent "No Contact" letter that my H sent OW. I did see that letter typed & sent to her because he typed it from home (with me present). I didn't see the other "No Contact" letter that he claims to have typed her before I discovered the Hotmail account.<P>He did say something interesting, though. He mentioned, "If I wanted to be secretive about this Hotmail account, why would I send you mail from it?"<P>I have been monitoring this "so-called" Hotmail account since I discovered it. So far, she hasn't responded. Does OW get the message? My answer: I really don't know. This OW has been amazing. She sporadically pops up whenever! If I stay with my H, I wonder if I will have to deal with her again, 1 year later, 2 years later, 5 years later????? It's really annoying!<P>My H has had the last 2 days off from work and we have been together, 24/7. He hasn't acted suspicious, nor has he changed "his story." He has been overly affectionate...little gestures such as holding my hand, giving me little pecks or touching my back when he walks by, saying "I Love You" (constantly) etc. Now, my H has been doing this consistently during our 2 year recovery. But, he seems to be doing it even more-so. When I ask him why...His reply, "I want to show you that I really love you and I'm going to keep showing you."<P>We discuss what recently transpired and he keeps re-confirming his love for me & how he wants to show me that he really means it.<P>The behavior of my H during recovery, especially the last year, has been fairly consistent. He works locally, stops by for his lunch/dinner, comes straight home. Lately, he has been giving me calls during the day, just to ask how my day is & say, "I love you." If he goes to the gym afterwards, he is only gone for a short period of time. On his days off, they are spent with us. If he has to run an errand, he will take one of the children with him. When he is gone alone, it isn't for a long period of time, and the OW lives about an hour away.<P>I keep wondering, "If my H is still seeing OW, where & when does he have time to be with her??? I just can't figure out when??? It doesn't make any sense????" I'm baffled!<P>Folks, I just don't know what to make of the entire thing. I'm so damn confused! One thing that I do know. If the OW really is the one sporadically contacting my H, I'm tired of it!<P>I told my H, "I cannot control OW. I cannot control You. However, I CAN control myself."<P>I again, told him the importance of Honesty, regardless if it hurts or not. He again, promised that he would let me know if there was anymore contact. However, I already know that my H is incapable of keeping such promises. <P>Now, as for what is going on with ME. We act normally together...No lovebusting. We spend time together and do pleasant things. Although my H is affectionate, I AM INCAPABLE of responding to it. I am withdrawn.<P>He told me that he is worried because I act like I have given up and that I act like I no longer care.<P>Folks...I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe I have withdrawn? Who knows! This is just weird and the feelings that I have are so new to me.<P>Any ideas?

Survivor,<P>I am sorry that you have to go through these crazy gut turning feelings so often. My guess is that you wouldn't be where you are now if the OW had gone away and stayed away. If your H's behavior is consistant and the OW disappears recovery is much easier and trust comes back quicker. But these repeated contacts by OW and the new email account don't do much to establish trust. I imagine that your defenses are up and that is why you feel the way you do. How can you trust again when the warning flag keeps going up? I struggle with this also. <BR>I think what you feel is predictable for people in our situation. Our spouses have shown that they are untrustworthy. You are protecting yourself from future pain. I have felt myself do that also. When there are no more triggers and the OW has finaly gone away, you will feel differently.<P>take care,<BR>cleo

I'm so sorry. I don't have much advise except-<P>It really struck me that your H said he is worried because you act like you have given up and like you no longer care. That doesn't seem to me like something someone would say if weren't being sincere.<P>I'm not quite sure why, and maybe I'm wrong, but I've been reading your posts about this and haven't really had a feeling one way or the other about it, but that comment really struck me.<P>Just maybe something to think about.

Survivor<BR>You are in the self protection mode. You know that this kind of shock takes a while to sink in. Even if there is a reason for what happened....you have still bee slapped with the one thing you fear the most....contact.<P>Give yourself a break. I know we get used to these things after repeated occurances but your world has been rocked and it will talk a little bit of time before you will get rid of that numbness you seem to be describing.<P>I had a very large shock on Moday...similar to yours in a way. All I can say is congratulations for keeping your cool and no lovebusters.<P>You are confused, you don't know what is the truth for sure, and he has proven that he still can't grasp the honesty thing completely. There are some good reasons for the way you are reactin. I think you are doing a very good job.<P>It is so awful to wonder if this OW will keep popping in. The more that time passes the less of a threat she will be. Your H immediately wrote the "no contact letter" That is a wonderful sign. No excuses, no stalling. Hang on to the good things.<BR>

Survivor,<BR>I really don't have any advise. I too am re-experiencing the pain, fear, insecurity, anger, withdrawal, etc. that comes about with re-contact. Is it a two year thing or something. My prob. is that my H maintains that there is nothing to fear, that he is here, not there, and will not be, but refuses to end all contact for life. He "professes" the OW as a friend and nothing will change that, and he maintains that he is capable of keeping her at arms length, while at the same time touching base with her at least once a year. blech. We have gone round and round this issue with no resolution that satisfies either one of us totally. I have let the topic drop for the time being, with the understanding that if intermittent yearly contact develops into more discovered dishonesty, annoying calls from OW or secret trips, that all hell will break loose when I file for divorce, including but not limited to displaying of revealing pictures on every lamp post of the north shore of Hawaii and perhaps even an alianation of affection lawsuit against OW, which may provoke some kind of reaction from her H, since he does not seem to care what she does or with whom. <P>I hope your situation is truly just one big misunderstanding, coz anything else is pure hell.<P>Thinking of you...and all of us..<P>Beth

Suvivor,<P>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html" TARGET=_blank>Negotiating Conflict</A> page. Maybe you can get some ideas there.<P>Bill<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited February 04, 2001).]

2 days have passed since I posted this, and I'm feeling a little better. My H has been patiently doing thoughtful gestures. He has been affectionate and kind. I still have my emotional defenses up. I am aware that I am afraid of letting my guard down. I don't know when my heart will be willing to take that risk again.<P>In regards to his recent contact with OW (before he wrote her that last "No Contact" letter that I saw him send to her), I don't know for sure, what his intentions were...if it were to end contact with her or to maintain some type of relationship with her.<P>I conclude that the only card left to play, is to think about how our recovery has gone and if my H's behavior has been consistent.<P>For several days now, I have been pondering this. For the life of me, I cannot understand where & when they would have contact if he is accountable for almost ALL of his time. It just doesn't make any sense. How can an affair still exist if 95% of his free time is with me & the kids? The other 5% is at the gym?<P>I am beginning to believe that this OW is just some severe "nut case" who believes that they saw each other, as recently as yesterday! I read a card & a short letter that she had sent him, last week, and in her letter, I sensed that she hadn't seen him...YET, she writes as if the affair was still alive and that she loved him. My H said that this is all in OW's mind and that is the type of person she is (Btw: OW is/was physically/emotionally abused by her H for over a decade and viewed my H as her knight-in-shining armour).<P>Anyway, I'm rambling and I'm going off of on a differet tangent. To sum it all up...my H has been doing things, saying things to show that he wants me & our marriage. He keeps mentioning renewing our marital vows...that he believes in US...that he realizes now, that marriage is sacred...that he will do anything & everything to prove himself.<P>At this point, I'm vulnerable and am afraid to risk my heart being broken again.<P>Cleo & Bitsy, thank you for your thoughts.<P>Wassi...Why is it so hard for our spouses to understand the term, "Honesty??" How can that be so difficult for them?<P>Pilot's Wife, I'm so sorry that your H still doesn't understand that he can't be friends with OW. This OW is/was a threat to your marriage. Why can't he see that?<P>Bill, thank you for that "link." I reviewed it. Maybe I should get out my SAA book and read it again. After reading that link, I can see that I am clearly in the "withdrawal" stage. Now, how do I get back? Do I force myself even if I don't have the desire to do it?