Had a good session with Steve this morning concluding that I should keep doing what I'm doing - Plan A, demonstrate changes whenever possible, continue acts of kindness, NO LBs, continue to remind her that I'm here for her. She seemed to be warming up a little lately. We had agreed to a family outing this weekend - first in a long time. I proposed that we need time together as a family if we're going to heal as a family. She didn't object to this statement. I was feeling confident that things were looking more promising. OM seems to be much less a factor these days - if not almost insignificant. (I could be wrong.)<P>Within minutes of getting off the phone with Steve, she calls me to update me on our son who's home from school with a fever - looks like this will torpedo our planned outing. Then she says she wants to sell her minivan and get something smaller, so we have to do the signing of the car titles thing so she can sell or trade the van. All this is set forth in our legal separation. I said, OK, let me think about if I want to buy out your half because I was thinking of getting a newer car? To this she became beligerant and said I can't do that because it won't leave her with enough money to get another car. She said I have no choice but to do what the separation agreement says - my half will come from her portion of the home equity when I sell the house. Then she accused me of trying to strategize ways of screwing her or of enacting vengence. It's like I turned on some paranoid switch. I calmly replied that that's not what I'm doing and it doeesn't make sense for me to do that if my goal is to reconcile. To that she replied that us getting back together is not likely. Then she accused me of trying to get the upper hand in a custody battle when I LB'd her a feew weeks ago about abandoning our son.<P>Up and down, up and down. She shows no signs of guilt or soul searching displayed by many former WSs here recently, yet she's sensitive about me taking revenge to the point of being paranoid! How can this be? If she's worried about me being vengeful, she must know she's done something to warrant it? Am I nuts? Should I be concerned about her "not likely" prognosis?<P>Yo-Yo, alias WAT (Dave)<P>BTW, I'll be away from the forum for the next two weeks except for the weekends - no, I'm not going snowboarding.<P>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited February 02, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited February 02, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited February 02, 2001).]

Dave,<P>I don't want to derail your thread, but I had some questions about your separation agreement and home equity arrangements. Seems like you're dealing with issues very similar to mine, and I wanted to compare notes with you, if you don't mind. Can you drop me an e-mail at hopeful_one@hotmail.com?<P>Thanks!<P>AGG

Update - well at least she's not on the warpath with only me. <P>She had planned to call my son's school to try to get his homework assignments since he's missed two days. Then she'd send our au pair to the school to pick up the assignments. When our au pair never heard from her, she called my wife and was told to go over to the school and see the people in the office. When she got there, they looked at her like she was crazy and explained that they told my wife that they don't go around to the teachers to get assignments - that's the student's responsibility. Duh. Then why did she send the au pair over there?<P>Looney tunes. Something must have set her off to the nasty mode today. She is sometimes so erratic and unpredictable. In a way, I'm somewhat relieved that she's acting impulsive and unreasonable. This tells me she's still wacky or has returned to wacky mode and I shouldn't put any stock into what she says or does.<P>Please tell me I'm not nuts!!!! Please? Also, our new au pair has concluded she's strange. I was very careful not to prejudice her in any way against my wife - she came to this conclusion on her own.<P>Dave

Dave,<P>She is sounding like mine is these days. And you are not nuts. This is the usual stuff. Steve has told us both the same things, from what I see. Don't try and reason with a drunk, so ditto for our wives.<P>Mine is on the warpath over how much we pay our part time babysitter. My wife thinks she is screwing us, making up what we owe each week (our days sometimes fluctuate). I always add the numbers up before I pay, and she is always right on.<P>Anyway, all we can do is sit back and watch the show. You did good not LBing today.<P>

Dave, <P>Well I derailed your thread the first time, so I'll help you get this back on track .<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by worthatry:<BR><B><BR>Please tell me I'm not nuts!!!! Please? Also, our new au pair has concluded she's strange. I was very careful not to prejudice her in any way against my wife - she came to this conclusion on her own.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are NOT nuts. FWIW, our nanny has also decided that my W (who is moving out in a couple of weeks as an "experiment") is insane... So, looks like this is fairly common. You think your W is insane, huh? You wanna hear what mine said? She said (to a friend) that she misses the kids because she travels a lot, but since I'm always with the kids and she needs space from me, I'm effectively keeping her away from the kids...So she is getting her own place so she can be closer to the kids... So now, on top of everything else, I'm a bad husband for trying to be a good father. You are right, this never seems to end...<P>AGG<P>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Yo-Yo, I mean Dave,<P>You, Rick, AGG & OOOO all of you all just keep hanging in there. I agree with OOOO that ya'lls wives are nuts. Maybe one day soon they will crack, relaize what great guys ya'll are, how you have changed for the better & how are you are trying to restore your marriage.<P>Hang tough guy & rmember you will know that you gave it your best shot.<P>Prayers.<P>Dave, you will be missed during the wk.<p>[This message has been edited by sing (edited February 02, 2001).]

Thanks folks. Maybe I was wrong in thinking the A was in the process of dying a slow death. Maybe it's intermittant. One of my frustrations is that my wife can suddenly become mad at me for no apparent reason. One day we'll have a pleasant conversation on the phone and the next she's terse and rude. I wouldn't have done anything in between. I guess I'm the whipping boy for whatever pushes her buttons.<P>Any of you WSs have an observation? Did you project your state of mind as anger onto the BS? At what stage? Are there gender differences? Any thoughts will be appreciated by me and the guys above.<P>Dave

Hay Guys,<BR> My H was the same way during our separation and his A with OW. He would be very nice one day and mean and cocky the next. I think its the "I don't know what I want" thing, keeping them in turmoil.

Guys, when I was deep in my own fantasy, I would get pissed at my W for no reason also. Looking back, I now know why… it was simply because she <B>wasn't</B> my OW. She couldn't live up to the fantasy woman I had created. Then again… neither could my OW. There isn't a woman on the face of the earth that could live up to what I had created in my own mind; that's why it <B>IS</B> a fantasy. All the positives of the OP are accentuated, and the negatives are ignored. Just the opposite with the spouses. They ARE insane, just as I was.<P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Dave,<P>Think of the "not likely" comment as a positive instead of a negative. If in her state of mind, she can say "not likely" instead of "not a chance", then it isn't over. I could pass you the phone when my wife called, and you'd think it was yours, because she'd LB about getting rid of the van or something.<P>I wouldn't conclude too soon that it is over with OM. I did that numerous times, and it was never true, and probably isn't now. In an odd way, as I've said before probably, getting the nastiness of no reason is almost a comfort, because it indicates turbulence in their minds.<P>You will be missed on the forum during the next two weeks.

Thanks for the good words, folks. I am feeling better about it. Even went looking at new cars yesterday - too expensive.<P>Maybe you all are like me - sometimes I don't follow my own advice. I forget that these WSs are really very similar. It's always easier to more clearly see the picture when others on the forum describe their situations than it is to see my own.<P>AGG, I haven't forgotten you. I'll reply by e-mail later today, OK?<P>Dave