Hello folks!<P>Our wedding anniversary is early next week and I mentally don't feel the energy to celebrate. I'm still numb because of this recent contact of OW and I ask myself, "What's to celebrate?"<P>January through February is when my H's affair took place, 2 years ago. Last year was okay. We celebrated and enjoyed ourselves. This time, I don't feel the same.<P>I hate that our anniversary falls during the time that he had an affair with her. I hate that Valentine's Day also falls during the time of the affair. I just hate it. It is a "trigger" that was gradually exiting my mind, only to re-enter again.<P>My H is working, but stopped by for coffee break. He told me, "Our anniversary is coming up. I want to get you something."<P>My reply was, "I didn't think that we were celebrating. I wasn't planning on it."<P>He said, "Yes, we are going to continue to celebrate on that day, until we renew our wedding vows and get a new date to celebrate on."<P>My reaction...Nothing...I didn't say a thing. He finished his coffee & left.<P>1-1/2 hours later, I receive a love note from him in my e-mail. Yes, he is still using that Hotmail account, which I have access to also.<P>This is what his note to me read:<P>I miss you and can't wait to get home to see you again. I can't wait to hold you and give you many kisses. I love you...You are in my thoughts...You are in my dreams...I anticipate renewing our vows and look forward to experiencing a second honeymoon with my beautiful wife. I love you.<P>Folks...I see my H trying hard at trying to convince me that OW means nothing to him. However, I am still numb.<P>I don't know what to do about our up-coming anniversary. I bought him a card but I don't know if I want to give it to him or not. Last week, I bought him this bear where you record your voice. Before I found out about this OW contacting him again, I was going to record my voice and say, "I love you." Now, I don't even know if I want to give it to him at all.<P>Do I celebrate my anniversary or not? I just don't feel anything right now. Am I a hypocrite to celebrate? Geez...I'm so damn confused!

Sometimes we should do things we may not necessarily want to do, just because it is the right thing to do. Women understand this concept better than men do, because it is our very nature to put others needs before our own. I understand what kind of pain you must be in, but it sounds as if your husband is trying to be what you need him to be. Encourage him, even if you don't feel like it right now; you may find that it will become part of your healing process. Don't drive him further away by not allowing him to try, if you think there is still love and hope in your marriage. Begin making new memories with your husband. God bless and keep you....

Maybe you don't want to celebrate an anniversary of betrayal memories, (the affair was doing valentines day, etc - the recent contact...)<P>But, maybe you can psyche yourself out to celebrate the way you have hung in there for the last 2 years? I mean, you need to celebrate YOU, your perseverence, your strength, - the new you. <P>Maybe while husband is celebrating a wedding anniversary, you can secretly celebrate yourself? That is how I have gotten through some painful anniversaries. <P>TNT

Celebrate! Think you would feel worse if you didn't.<P>I think you should give your H the benefit of the doubt. I am sure you have most likely given him lots, & been hurt. But it seems from what you have written he really is trying, wants to do the right thing.<P>Hang in there. It is hard but do you really want the alterative.<P>Prayers<BR>

I am going through the same thing here. I don't want to celebrate mine, either. As far as I'm concerned we made promises and my H didn't keep his. My mom is says you kept yours celebrate that. UGH<BR>I don't even want to wear my wedding band either. I love my engagement ring and would rather wear that--asked me to marry him, I said yes, I kept that promise- that is my heart. Maybe I should just think of the wedding band as the symbol that we were blessed before God and are one. Any other reasons out there why I should wear the thing?<BR>I feel like my wedding day was a lie, that everything we had was false--no honesty from H our whole relationship...I definitely would like to renew our vows, when the time is right- but I think we'd have to do it on our anniversary date - it will be the spring- renewal of our marriage, bring back the good to that date.

bridge: I suppose that I have to recognize that day. I don't know about celebrating it, though. My H is determined. I'll try to make the best of it. Thanks for your kind advice.<P>TNT: That is a good idea...celebrate how far I have come in 2 years. To tell you the truth, I would rather be the way I was, pre-affair, but that can never be. The affair has opened my eyes and changed me into a different person. Do you ever feel like you have given so much of yourself that you feel you have no more energy to keep going above and beyond? That's how I feel right now. I'll try to make the best of it.<P>Sing: I can see that my H is really trying, but it sure is hard when I keep thinking about that most recent e-mail contact between him & OW. For example, I feel that he wants me to go outside and tell him that the sky is blue, when it is really black. It's a hard concept to grasp & accept...so hard or me to give him the benefit of doubt, regardless of how hard he is trying. Reminds me of Hilary Clinton...she stands by her man, even makes a public statement that her H isn't a liar...only to find out that he betrayed her again.<P>crete: I can relate to you regarding your wedding ring. When I discovered that most recent e-mail contact, 5 days ago, between H & OW, I took off my wedding ring. I haven't put it back on. It just doesn't feel right.<P>My H is really trying. But I am afraid to give him the benefit of doubt. I have been doing that, only to find out, this OW pops back into our lives sporadically. I don't hear anything for 9 months...BOOM...she makes contact. I don't hear anything for over a year...BOOM...she makes contact again! The problem is that my H replies to her. That is the huge problem that I am having.

Anniversary day is tomorrow. This is so sad. I'm not even excited. Yesterday, my H came home after work, with a Victoria's Secret box. He's never shopped for me from that store before.<P>I bought him something and after testing it out, it appears to possibly be defective. Is this a sign?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited February 05, 2001).]

Survivor,<P>Do celebrate...<BR>...if you can't now...<BR>...you may never be able to... and that would be sad.<P> <P>Jim

Okay, I've been thinking of reasons to celebrate- further than the marriage vow thing.<BR>Maybe, we could look at this date as the one God blessed our love for one another and made us one. The day that our love was recognized and celebrated by all our friends and family. The love that is so strong that it is still there after being through the worst- For better or worse- That he loves you and feels that the day was important must mean something. Why would this day be so important still to him? Because in his heart he meant what he said and I think that he still wants to abide by those vows ( more than ever, too.)<BR>I still have the paper work from our wedding. I need to find it and read what the priest said, what our vows said---all of that to find the reasons (besides the one broken vow) that I need to celebrate our anniversary. You love him, he loves you---Celebrate that LOVE-- IT IS SO STRONG to go through this--Celebrate this love- the love you recognized on your wedding day--that you let everyone know was THIS STRONG.<BR>And it is.<BR>Remember how happy you were that day...Remember the dreams you have fulfilled together...Remember all the happiness you had/ and have...Celebrate all that....I am convincing myself that, yes, I will celebrate mine, too. <BR>The wedding ring---a symbol of your love--never ending---it was always there-no end.<BR>Hope you have fun-let yourself. Cry for being happy, now, not for that other thing---Cry happy tears now. Remember you and him together-smile

Survivor,<P>I can sooo relate to your feelings. I do not feel like doing anything even remotely relating to Plan A behavior. But I keep on keeping on when H is here. Past on the smile, laugh at the jokes. There is nothing wrong, I'm happy and secure... Yeah right. I wish our emotions could be more easily controlled. <P>Give your H a chance. Even if he did resume contact with the OW maybe your finding out, your reaction, has reminded him of what he stands to loose if this happens again. Soak it for what it is worth. Don't buy him an anniversary present or valentine's present...buy yourself some. Get the most expensive perfume, the finest chocholate, the most beautiful clothes, and a complete hair and face makeover,maybe an expensive bottle of champaign as well, and put it on his card. Tell him it is all for him.<P>I for one am not inclined to even mention Valentine's day. I'll give my kids something tho.<P>Take care and good luck!<P>Beth

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Survivor [aka_NoTrust]:<BR><B>Hello folks!<P>Our wedding anniversary is early next week and I mentally don't feel the energy to celebrate. I'm still numb because of this recent contact of OW and I ask myself, "What's to celebrate?"<P>January through February is when my H's affair took place, 2 years ago. Last year was okay. We celebrated and enjoyed ourselves. This time, I don't feel the same.<P>I hate that our anniversary falls during the time that he had an affair with her. I hate that Valentine's Day also falls during the time of the affair. I just hate it. It is a "trigger" that was gradually exiting my mind, only to re-enter again.<P>My H is working, but stopped by for coffee break. He told me, "Our anniversary is coming up. I want to get you something."<P>My reply was, "I didn't think that we were celebrating. I wasn't planning on it."<P>He said, "Yes, we are going to continue to celebrate on that day, until we renew our wedding vows and get a new date to celebrate on."<P>My reaction...Nothing...I didn't say a thing. He finished his coffee & left.<P>1-1/2 hours later, I receive a love note from him in my e-mail. Yes, he is still using that Hotmail account, which I have access to also.<P>This is what his note to me read:<P>I miss you and can't wait to get home to see you again. I can't wait to hold you and give you many kisses. I love you...You are in my thoughts...You are in my dreams...I anticipate renewing our vows and look forward to experiencing a second honeymoon with my beautiful wife. I love you.<P>Folks...I see my H trying hard at trying to convince me that OW means nothing to him. However, I am still numb.<P>I don't know what to do about our up-coming anniversary. I bought him a card but I don't know if I want to give it to him or not. Last week, I bought him this bear where you record your voice. Before I found out about this OW contacting him again, I was going to record my voice and say, "I love you." Now, I don't even know if I want to give it to him at all.<P>Do I celebrate my anniversary or not? I just don't feel anything right now. Am I a hypocrite to celebrate? Geez...I'm so damn confused! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YES!!!! do celebrate...my H had an affair and our anniversity is in October..we celebrated our 20th anniversity. Now, don't get me wrong, it was not fireworks but a nice evening talking about us and what was to come. He sent me a wonderful card that says..we have been thru alot and I love you more today than yesterday. Thanks for stayinf by my side. Just two weeks ago the OW called to see if they could get back together,well, that night he came home drunk. My husband never drinks! He was so drunk, I wished an officer threw him in jail. He came into the house and spuded all the vemin he had for me. He told me how she phone him and that she wanted him to come to see her. He thought about her for a while and decided to go out with him employees and get drunk(how stupid). sorry to rample on, after his vemin, he told me he needed to clear his head, went out again...DRUNK!!!...he said he was going to return...he never came back home that night. He called the following morning, told me where he was..no he was not with OW, but puking at a hotel. He begged for me to take him back, told me what a jerk he has been, and that he was truly sorry for what he had did. After we spoke for a while about two hours, he went to sleep. He went out and bought be a dozen roses and said I Love You. The point I'm trying to make is...open your self up, be vulernable, and let him in. He loves you. let him show you trust again. The second time is sweeter..marriage is totally different from the first. <BR>Hope that helps..<BR>

We're in a rather miserable time of year for us as well...but then, if I want to dwell in misery there is no longer a time of year that is good. I'm not going to live that way anymore.<P>Survivor--you know this, the years, anniversaries, holidays just keep rolling around.<P>You've had another shock to your system...and next year you can remember it as the start of more bad times, or as a fresh turnaround, when you & your H put into practice your hard-earned MB knowledge. As I am someone who slid into limbo land...I can warn...don't go there, it is a soul-killing place. It is okay to rest...but not to fence-sit for too long.<P>I'm fighting off my own bad attitude--with my Bday just past and Valentines coming up. I gave my H his main Valentines present yesterday...he says but I didn't get you anything . I said since I'm more than a week early that's ok, don't worry. Actually, it was a chair-fitting back massager, he put out his back last week, came home from work yesterday hardly able to stand...it didn't seem like I should "save" the present.<P>I think for those of us who have been in this for multiple years, we have to do our best to think outside the box, find our way away from tallying up the crappy days.<P>I'm not meaning to scold you, Survivor, or anyone else...it's just that I know anniversaries & holidays continue to be tough for so many of us...and what is past is past. It's only human for us to not to want to put ourselves back into situations that have brought us so much pain...but sometimes we keep the pain going, thinking we are protecting ourselves, when we are really withdrawing from new possibilities.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8

Survivor,<P>Ready for a kick in the pants??? <P>This man is trying...<BR>He saw how the OW contacting him hurt you...<BR>He wants to make amends for the pain he caused...<P>How I wish I had another chance...<BR>You are stareing a blessing in the eyes...<BR>Do you see it???<BR>It's right there....<P>We have a saying in NA for newcommers that are struggling...<BR>Fake it til you make it...<P>Keep following <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> and those feelings will catch up...<P>Remember to be honest with your H about your feelings, that will help build the intimacy you crave...<P>Love Ya,<P>Bill<P>

NSR...You are right. If I don't celebrate, I may regret it someday.<P>Crete...I do remember when we were happy on our wedding day. Since the affair, we had come so far in the past year, until last week's contact. I had been looking forward to our anniversary, but ever since he allowed her to come back into our lives, whether it be momentarily, temporarily, or whatever, I feel so down.<P>Pilot's Wife...do you ever wonder when is this all going to end? When will the OW be out of our lives permanently? I feel that the OW will be out of lives permanently when my H aggressively cuts her off completely. I wish that he did that 2 years ago. He had a brief 7 week affair with her, but geez....this is being drawn out for 2 years now! This is getting nauseating!<P>Seaside...Your H's reaction to OW contacting him seemed to really emotionally stress him out. Isn't it strange how our H's feel that they can handle it themselves? If they would just come to us first, tell us about the contact, then together, we can show a united front, and deal with the OW. Why can't our spouses trust that if they were honest with us from the get-go, then together, we can effectively deal with OP the way it needs to be done.<P>Lor...it is amazing. How does it happen that the Betrayed Spouse becomes the one sitting on the fence? Yes, I do feel like I am on the fence. I'm afraid to be vulnerable again. I'm afraid to open up my heart, only for it to be broken again. I am afraid to let my guard down. I am afraid of giving all my love to him. The only thing that I am 100% positive on, is if the affair were ever to be reactivated and if I had to go through the turmoil that I experienced 2 years ago, I would have to end my marriage.<P>Bill...Thanks for the kick in the pants. I know that I probably need it in order to help get myself out of this rut.