Well, someone wasn't kidding when they said it gets worse before it gets better.<BR>The pain I just experienced was like nothing I ever thought I would. The affair, the lies, the dishonesty was nothing like this.<BR>Finding out that when my H started having feelings with the ow, he told a friend. That friend told him to find God and not to hurt me.<BR>Thank her so much for not telling me- sarcasm to the highest degree.<BR>I spent an our wailing, mouning like you wouldn't believe. I honestly could not stop- I could see it- wanted to stop, but couldn't- I felt that there was nothing left- I thought that my H would have to have to ambulance come and take me to the psychiatric ward and thats no joke. What is killing me is that there was one person in the world that could have told me and prevented my HELL. This HELL I am going through was preventable....He had feelings that was all---The A was preventable.......<BR>I never thought I could hate someone--never anyone- didn't hate my H, didn't hate the ow, but I did hate this one person who could have prevented this hell...Oh, she is not my friend--furthest thing from it- she was going to allow me to die. All I needed was what she had- Yes, I believe to the utmost that if she had told me the A would not have happened- my H and I would have had to discuss this and started therapy immediately. Now, after all this time of healing- I got set back. I don't think I could ever look at this person again. Yes, I despise the fact that my H told her and not me, but he already felt that I would leave if I knew. Like continuing into an A was better. If this is like an addiction. She saw him sniff his first dose of cocaine and didn't tell me - that is how I see it. Who does she care for? My H told her because their friendship consists of her being there for him in Highschool when he contemplated suicide. Well, now we know that her loyalties lie only with my H, and that my well-being was nothing to her. I am trying to not hate her, but I feel that I do- the first person ever and I thought I'd never be able to.<BR>Help me to be healthy- mentally that is- pray for me- this is when I need it the most.

Crete,<BR>I see how this has hurt you, but at least she didn't tell him to go with whatever made him happy. She did care for you.<P>As far as not telling you, I think she was wrong. But it is a difficult situation. Many people decide that it is best not to tell, even when they know of a full blown affair.<BR>And if your H was already emotionally involved, probably nothing could have stopped him.<P>If you can fogive your H and the OW, I think you should pray to be able to think about forgiving this woman too. For yourself.<BR>I know how hard it is, you have the right to be angry first, get it all out.<P>I will pray for you. {{{{{hugs}}}}<BR>Lora<BR>

Yes, she knew at the point of EA began- If I had know we would have gotten counseling. Whether or not the affair would have been prevented noone will know. But, I think if I had known, I would have known about the ow, her repeated actions to GET my husband, and I would have made her realize that I did exist and that I would not allow that to go on. I ended the affair less than 24 hours after I found out. I believe I could have prevented this from going further than it had. The ow told me it was easy to pretend I didn't exist- never met me, never talked to me....She would have known, and I would have been there every step of the way--they wouldn't have been able to have an affair if I was in the picture, too. I would have had the chance to fight. Yes, I am asking God to help me with my Hatred- something I never had to do before. She held my key to sanity...I hope there are no more suprises, I think this is the last one I can handle...I kept thinking if only I had a chance.....I DID.

crete:<P>Take this as me grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you - <P>This is NOT about that person who didn't tell you. This IS about you and your husband. There is no guarantee as to WHAT would have happened had the friend told you about your husband having feelings for someone else. You cannot know what you would have done... and the "if onlies" can literally kill you with stress.<P>Yes, I know I said that I felt that the people who knew about the affair should have told me - but the bottom line is: THEY DIDN'T TELL ME. I don't consider them friends anymore, but mostly because of their providing slug with a job after talking to me about how much they disliked her.<P>You said: "I kept thinking if only I had a chance.....I DID." IF someone had told you YES, you would have had a chance. But no one told you - so you DIDN'T have that chance. However, now you have a chance that I would cut off my right arm for - a chance to let go of that past and make a new marriage with your husband. Don't give up that chance by allowing this unchangeable event of the past to consume you. You cannot change that. The friend cannot change that.<P>It is very likely she thought that her advice would prevent him from acting on his feelings. She told him to talk with God - and you know that God certainly didn't tell him to have an affair. Her intentions were to help, not to hurt. Most of us wish that our friends had chosen to tell us, but society today teaches the "don't ask, don't tell" manner of dealing with unpleasant truths. It teaches that you should not interfere - should not get involved. As much as we WISH it had been otherwise, the fact that it HAPPENED is not something changeable.<P>There is nothing uglier than hatred and anger, and nothing more frightening than obsession. Let go of that anger for the thing that cannot be changed, or it will destroy the opportunity that is in front of you right now. <P>Concentrate on the here and now, the changeable, the future and its rewards, please.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I cried when I read your reply. You are right. You are so right. I can not thank you enough for your words......I need to be shaken ---IT IS NOT MY FAULT---MY husband did ask for help--HE was not in his right frame of mind---Nothing I DID or DIDN'T DO caused the A. I KNOW THAT!!!<BR>IT just hurts so da** much sometimes. And I have no idea how to get passed it. Yes, he his here with me- Yes, he says he loves me more than he ever did- Yes, we are going to Retrouvaille- Yes, he is doing everything he can to help me- Yes, I have done everything wrong thus far in dealing with this--I have never had such gut wrenching emotions to deal with in my life---And I honestly, don't know what to do with them...I am doing the best I can right now and its not good enough-- I know. I am not as strong as I thought I was-- Every new variable associated with the affair that my H tells me causes me to go into shock---A new I can't believe this---Too many cards were stacked against me---there was nothing I could do-I KNOW---But there is a something now- I KNOW---and I am so blessed to have that--I KNOW---<BR>Thank you for your words when I needed them the most. <BR>Healing with God-

I'm glad I was able to help. I really do know how overwhelming these emotions are. You have a lot to be thankful for (most of us do, we just tend to allow the awful things to overshadow what we HAVE)...<P>It will be hard work for both of you - but it will be worth it. There is nothing I am more certain of than that.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>