I've read all the marriage builders info several times, including the book "how to Survive and Affair" and have not found any help on how to survive a second affair (My husband is right on track with his affairs at 14 years and then 21. And some other less intimate affairs before 14 and inbetween. We Are back together but I am having alot of difficulty getting the hurtful memories out of mind. Especially when this is now the time of year he had both of his big affairs, the latest last year. Where can U find help. All I found is that Dr. Harley would support a person calling it quits after a second or multiple affairs.<p>[This message has been edited by enaid (edited February 03, 2001).]

I don't know what you did after the first affair, but 21 years- If you tried this stuff before, I wouldn't know what to say. If you didn't this is a good start to implement his suggestions- treat it as though it was the first- do everything recommended on the web-site and the book. I don't think the recommendation is to quit because of the multiple affairs. I think the consensus here is that if you love your H and he loves you and you both want to work on your marriage, then this is the place you begin.<BR>You can heal, you can get past this, have a healthy, loving relationship. It takes a lot of time, energy, pain, and hard work- as it does to stay married without an A involved. Many of us didn't know how to be married. We were just doing everything as we went along. You have done the best to begin- getting here, reading the book. I think if you implemented everything to the best of your ability and the H has another affair, you could walk away knowing you tried. Have you tried, yet? Don't walk away if you haven't tried. Multiple affairs can be tougher in the sense that the ws may have a sex addiction. If your H had affairs twice in 21 years, I don't think you should give up on him- Twenty- one years- you definitely have to have alot there to try and save. You took the first step- keep going- this place is great for support. WE don't know if you just found out, If the A is still occuring, if they are over, if you found out now and they were over a long time ago.<BR>If you give a little more info, the responses will be better--Everyone here has someone with a similar story...You might be able to find it or post yours and see . i posted anyone's story like mine and it was the same story- different people. It really makes you feel like your not alone and helps you heal....<BR>Hope you find happiness and the answers you seek.

Whoa, I missed those in between affairs by reading so fast---Might want to look at sex addiction---Little affairs, big affairs---an affair is an affair to anyone who has been the bs. You can be addicted to emotional affairs or physical affairs. Your H definitely needs some help. Remember, if you still want to work at it - do it. We believe in our vows- through good times and Bad- your dealing with a sickness here. Are you going to help you H get better. You are his wife, he will need you I'm sure. It is an addiction, unfortunately the only one that can cause you the most excruciating pain..Yes, you can walk, but it is what you want that is important- Do you want the marriage to work. You need help together. Has he admitted he needs help? Does he know he has a problem?<BR>Hopefully, someone will reply who has a sexually addicted ws to you. <BR>Sorry about thinking it was two in 21 years-hang in there. Whatever you decide may God grant you peace.

Thanks Crete for you replies. I'm not sure how serious his other "affairs" were. There two OW that I'm aware of but not sure how close they got. He did keep them secredt and lie about them. He even went diving with one when I wanted to go (Discouraged me) and later I found out that he even let her use my wetsuit without asking or telling me. The other one he had calledd many times and then spent the night in her hotel room during a conference, telling me the other rooms were over crowed with too many guys and she had an extra bed. When he called her, h'ed call his best friend, then call me at work, then call some prono numbers and then her (sometimes her and then the porno numbers.) Is this an addition? He doesn't think he is addicted but I guess that is common. He has told me over the years that it doidn't matter that it was me laying next to him- that it wouldn't matter who the woman was laying next to him, that any woman would make him horny and that he has to have sex. After he moved out last year and during his fair, our family went on a planned vacation and in front of our two boys told me how he's attracted to good looking women, likes woman who obviously keep themselves fit and really likes to see cleavage. Sounds addicted to me. I have felt very disrepected by him. I think his affair went on for about a month before I figured out something was wrong and he told me he had been unhappy for years, (that he only came back after the first affair because it's what others people thought was the right thing to do and that yes there is someone else but they we'ren't intimate), then he choose to move out five days later telling me he only married me because I gave great blow jobs. It took two more months for him to get to a piont to be able tells me he had slept with her (a hotel in our small town). He moved back home the end of June after being out for 4 months. She's 14 years younger than him (he's 45) adn the first one was 21 when he was 37. He's always been unhappy about his job, so 8 years ago we (I got it work for him) refinance our house and he took a year leave of absence to go back to school. That's where he met her. During both affairs, after he started to show affection and love towards me, telling me they were out of the picture- he lied. With the first one, I told him that if went to an overnight trip for a marathon (we alsways had gone to these as a family)with herthat I was afraid I might not be able to take him back. I was very clear. He went anyway telling me she was going with her parents. I found out the parents didn't go and she used her parent's credit card for the hotel they stayed in. Her parents found out and told him he would never see their daughter again. He made a big deal about telling me that she didn't want to listen to her parents and that she wanted to continue seeing him, but he respected her parents wishes. What's that mean- what about me? Right after that he wanted to come home and moved back in within a week. Over the next few years a lesrned to trust him again. I believed him when he told me that experience was a nightmare, the worst thing that ever happened and that he would never do that again. But he did! <P>We went to counseling the first time which we thought was very helpful. We worked alot on communication and both us felt there was alot of positives in what had happened "A wake-up call" and that we were happier. Both times I was totally shocked. He has huge difficulty expressing his feelings. We've been in counseling now for almost a year, which I don't feel had been very helpful. The counselors keeps getting into the affairs. I want to get into the core issues. Through counseling though we have found that H has great difficulty with committment, anything he perceived that might be a conflict and being open and honest. Honesty is one of my top emotional needs. He doesn't like to make any committments and says he has always wanted to keep his options open. Even in H.S. when friends wanted to go to the movie he wouldn't committ in case something better came up. I feel he's been doing this with our entire life together. Even before wqe were married he secretly met with an old girlfriend, telling me he wanted to do some rock climbing alone. I can tell I am very unsure right now. I don't ever want to be hurt like this again. We've have had some really good times and have alot in common , we get along very well-we're best friends". He carries alot of anger though and I think he sometimes uses it to control what should be bormal conversations. And sometimes he breaksdown, rolls up in ball and shakes. I have thought that this might be from the guilt, but it is sometimes out of context and I've seen him pull right out of it and be jovial when someone comes to the house. Can this be a way to manipulate and control. When he told me he wanted a divorce-both times( For both affairs-this was on the night he first slept with them) he kept saying why are you so calm, why aren;t you angry. This surprised because I never had gotten angry before. (Now I do sometimes-when I can tell he's manipulating me and not letting me share my feelings) At times I do pretty good, but I am shocked at how long this recovery is taking. I think because it is now the same time of year these things happened it almost feels like it happened yesterday and not a year ago. I'm having trouble with knowing he was able to have a secret life and do romantic things with them that he wouldn't do with me. He is trying now, but still can't open up about his true feelings. I'm afraid that if he can't get into touch with his true feelings, he will never know how he really feels about me. And if I can't know that he really loves me and is able to expresse his feelings including his needs, then we are lost. He does say that he knows now that if he had told me how he was feeling the affairs wouldn't have happened. He tends to want everthing to go along smoothly, just like it had before the affair. I tell him I don't understand that he says he's happiest when our lives are back to normal, like it was before the affair, when he has told me he was so unhappy. Well . I'm rambling , so I need to give this a break. I should write when I'm feeling better.<P><BR>