My H (WS) gets very ANGRY if I ask him "what are your feelings for me?" or anything related to this topic. He says he is trying to make progress, I should just let him progress at his own speed and don't ask questions. He has actually threatened to leave twice if I ever ask again.<P>Of course I go nuts not knowing if his little actions are 1) just actions that he is forcing himself to make --trying to force himself to have feelings for me (and not OW) or 2) there is some rekindling of something, somewhere and the actions are genuine.<P>So...my question to other WS (especially men!) would be...did you have these reactions to the BS, like my H is to me?<P>TG<BR><p>[This message has been edited by TrustingGod (edited February 03, 2001).]

Hello Trusting....<P>Keep doing what your name says.<P>In answer to your question, as a male WS, I can tell you that right now, it sounds like your husband is in withdrawl. From what I read of Harley's material, it is nearly impossible for you to meet his Emotional needs when he is in this stage. I know that sounds pretty cruel, and hopeless at the best.<BR>I wish I knew what to tell you. But since he is asking you to avoid the question, I would. <BR>Speaking from experience, he is really struggling right now. His mind is telling him one thing, but his heart is screaming another thing. There is that frustration working in him much like an 'addict' experiences when he can't get his drink, is cigarette, his drug, etc. <BR>I bet he knows deep inside that it's not right to feel the way he does, but he does!<BR>If you are committed to winning his heart back, just 'be there' for him. If it is possible for you, show him those frequent expressions of love and care...let him know that he is trying...that you appreciate it...and that you are praying for him.<BR>I wish there was an easy answer for all this, but I have yet to find it.<P>Oh, one other thing...regarding your name here and your problem with your husband's reaction. You are asking him about his "feelings". You really don't want to know about his "feelings" right now. They are out of wack. Besides, if you are going to continue "trusting God", that requires FAITH. And Faith...has to override whatever feelings...you may be having.<BR>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by lighthouse (edited February 04, 2001).]

lighthouse has said some very important things, TG.<P>Let me add that if you have read Surviving an Affair, you will remember that it is, most unfortunatly, the betrayed spouse that is responsible for most of the work when an affair is discovered. Plan A is the best option, regardless of whether or not the affair has ended or is ongoing.<P>Plan A eliminates Love Busters (which are not defined by you, but by your husband) and involves attempts to meet his emotional needs. The idea of this is that your husband will be able to see that the marriage is a safe, comfortable and good place to be.<P>At this point, explaining how he feels about you must be difficult for him to do. I'd agree with lighthouse that you probably don't want to know at the moment. Show him by your actions that YOU ARE the person he loved enough to marry, and that your marriage is still a wonderful thing. He is not capable of realizing that on his own right now. He is withdrawing from the affair and is feeling resentment and confusion and all manner of mixed up emotion. You can help him deal with this by not pressuring him in any way at this point.<P>Read all the material on this site if you haven't already. As you read it, it makes more and more sense, and your path will become clear and defined.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

lighthouse & terri - thanks for the words. Helps to hear encouragement.<BR>TG

Thank you TG for your question and especially to lighthouse for the response. <P>If it is any comfort, I am getting similar reactions in my WS. I often feel like everything is my fault in his eyes and that any questions provoke anger at me. I hope that lighthouse is on to the truth and I think I may have learned something here.<P>I just don't know how to avoid these "love busters" and still be happy myself. It all seems so self-depricating. I will try though.

hi Learning....<P>Just thought I'd add this for whatever it is worth. Don't beat yourself up too much when you "LB"...it is a needed reminder to us WS that we have inflicted much pain on you. We know you are hurting...even though we seem insensitive to it at times. What really helps is even after doing that...when you can come back and still display love and acceptance to us, it encourages us, (me at least), that if you can work through that pain and love me, then I can do the same for you. <BR>I wish there was a magic wand to wave and make all the pain go away. I just haven't found it yet.<BR>Hang in there!