Hi All,<BR>For the first 4 weeks of this nightmare, my W made it seem that it was our relationship that was the cause of her wanting a divorce. I admit now, that we had some problems, but nothing that some help couldn't fix.<P>I then found out about the OM by asking her and having proof...she had to admit it. This is after telling everyone that there was no-one else...it was just that this relationship was not for her.<P>Then most of you already know what happened earlier in the week...more lies uncovered.<P>Well...the plot thickens...guess who called me last night??? The OM wife!<P>So we talked for about 1 1/2 hrs. It's amazing to hear another side of the story. She has only know about my W for about 3 weeks. Just about the time my W move out...nice coincidence huh???<P>It's like the two of them have been reading from a script. I'm not talking paraphrasing...I'm talking word for word. I just had to laugh! His wife says that he has ttried to call it off a couple of times but hasn't been successful. <P>I pointed her to this web site and told her to read everything she could. I'm going to loan her my copy of SAA.<P>The big thing is that he has NOT moved out yet, but is really thinking about it. She is going to try to keep him there a bit longer if she can.<P>Boy...these two should become story tellers...they sure can spin a good yarn!!!<P>Anyone got any advice on what I shoulsd do now??? THe two WS don't know that we talked yet!<P>~Mike~<BR>------------------<BR>the probability of someone watching you...is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions<p>[This message has been edited by mbtrk (edited February 03, 2001).]

Mbtrk, Be careful talking to OM's wife, can backfire on you if things don't work out for her. I did similar talk to OM's wife, suggested things weren't too late to fix, check out the books, try to understand the reason he could leave, give him a reason to come back and not LBing. She repeatedly put him down and blamed everyone else for problems in their marriage. She used the fact I had spoken to her against me. Be careful.

Mike...<P>I understand where Daniel is comming from...<BR>...but I would advise you to tell your W that the OM's W contacted you...<P>Be honest from the get go!<P>There is little you can do to not have this appear as a LB...<BR>...so don't hold it back in secret...<BR>...one more thing she'll use against you...<BR>...against reconciliation.<P>Explain your frank discussion with the OM's W.<P>Be honest...<BR>Answer your W's questions... honestly...<BR>Do what you would have her do... (sound familiar?...)<P>If your thinking long-run....<BR>... you'll realize it is the best thing to do now that "discovery" of OM's W has happened!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Hi Daniel and Jim,<BR>Thanks for the insite. I am being very careful right now. It was nice to hear the other side of the story. What he had been telling his wife.<P>It seems as though the two of them have written a script and rehersed it and are just spewing forth all this Bull Sh**.<P>She seems very concerned for her children, as I am for mine. These two WS's think that the kids will be fine and the love that they get will be more than enough to offset the damage caused by the break up of two families. They abviously haven't read the latest research on divorce. My kids are very young. He has a teenage daughter and two younger ones. The poor teenager will take the brunt of all this. <P>The lies that have been fabricated are endless. Neither one of them sees that if they had stopped this when they should have...all this pain owuld have been spared?<BR>Two people who have jobs that involve caring for others didn't take that into account when they got involved in this mess!<P>Mike

Mike - you asked if they think we won't find out? my answer - they don't think, period!<P>Your situation is getting to be like mine. OM's wife and I communicated from the very beginning - why? Because she was my wife's best friend! The lies were sooooo bizarre that our conclusion was that they had been abducted by aliens, experimented on, then returned.<P>Anyway - OM's wife in my case is incapable of implementing MB principles. Be very careful of continued communication with her. If your wife and OM find out, it will drive them closer together in defense. The best outcome could be that his wife can apply what you've learned so far and become a part of this forum. If you can limit your communication to bare necessity - or better yet - very rare, you two can Plan A from both sides. I wish that could have worked in my case.<P>Good luck!!!!!!!!<BR>Dave

Thanks Dave,<BR>Sorry to hear that you are in my position still. Does it ever get any better? The rumors about him leaving his wife are just rumors right now apparently. According to his wife he is still at home. She doesn't know for how much longer though. She thinks my WS is applying some pressure for him to leave, because she has already done so. I think my W has a master plan in the back of her deluded mind.<P>It makes me sick to think about this mess. I slept 2 hours last night. Every time I fell asleep I would wake up with the thoughts of her persuing him. I felt like throwing up. It just disgusts me to think that the woman that I married is capable of this. I keep trying to tell myself that it is not her...she's sick,...she isn't rational this has got to end someday. THe realism of it is that it might not end someday and this is really her...that the woman I love is capable of such devastation without any guilt and this person is the mother of my children...<P>Sad...very sad<P>Mike

Mike,<P>According to the Harley's, ANYONE is capable of doing what our wives are doing. It is a hard concept to grasp, and it isn't explainable other than to just accept that this happens. We're all in the same boat, and the waters are mighty rough. Hang on tight.<P>I'm just further along the same path you are on, and I can say that the shock of this does get weaker. It is never easy, and some days you go into a tailspin, but then you recover. I too, still find it mind boggling to look at my wife and wonder where she went, how she can do this, etc. But it is happening, and all you can do is follow the principles that have worked for others.<P>As far as success stories, you can read lots of them on here, and there are numerous posters that have succeeded.<P>

Hi Rick,<BR>The road that you speak of seems endless. I'm sure if you have been traveling it, then you know what I'm talking about. Have you seen any light at the end, or is the fog still thick?<P>My thoughts wander to the 3 children of the other family, his wife that is as devastated as I am and the havoc that this has brought on numerous people on the perifery. <P>When my kids say that they miss their mom...I say me too. When they ask if she is coming home..I say I hope so some day. WHen my 4 year old daughter said last night what if I wish really hard...I cried.<P>My WS thinks that all will be ok with the kids. I pray with all I am that this is true. When I see them hurting because their family is torn apart because of some thoughtless act I just want to put the two inconciderate people in front of them and let them see first hand how their actions affect those around them.<P>I hope that someday all of us that are on this board can say that what we are doing was well worth it and our spouses are back where they belong. <P>Mike

I haven't seen alot of light, just the odd flash, but in my case, the fog still seems reasonably thick. The idiot my wife is involved with is single, and isn't offering a future (maybe my wife thinks she can change him), so he has nothing to lose, and just gets to have his cake and eat it too. Crazy.<P>In a weird way, the fact that your wife is with a married man, means less chance of it going too far (in general). Two people would have to continue and want to break up their families. The odds are slim. And throw Plan A into the picture, and that helps. It would be nice if OMs wife comes here and Plan A is coming in from both sides.<P>That must have been something to hear your 4 year old ask about wishing real hard. Gut wrenching to say the least.<P>They all think it will be OK with the kids. Basically, they don't think of anything but themselves when in this drugged state.

Hey Rick,<BR>From what I heard the other night from the OM wife, it sounds like the two WS's have rehersed aplay or something. Line for line.<BR>Just change the word her to him. LOL<P>my wife says that he is not the reason why she has left and doesn't want to work on the marriage, it's all these little picky things that she says have gone on. They are so trivial that it makes me laugh to hear it spew from her mouth. My SIL just shakes her head.<P>He said the same thing to his wife. She is not the problem. Ya right...the two of them would have been ok with their marriages had they not chose to carry on an affair! He told his wife that if this doesn't work out...there has got to be someone else out there that can be my soul mate. AHHHHHHHH...the same thing my wife said to me!<P>Once again...I'm disgusted by the two of them. THe fact that they had no concideration for their families and the fact that they show no signs of felling that this is totally wrong. <P>What comes around...goes around and one day they will have to face the music. I hope that I'm around long enough to see it! I want to be there to pick her a** up off the ground and see how she feels at that point in time. Do I sound angry...I guess I am tonight after hearing my daughter and son ask why mom didn't call 2 nights in a row to say good night.<P>Mike

My H did the exact same thing, told me he wanted a separation, that the marriage wasn't working for him, ya da ya da. There was nobody else - he told me - no real reason, so we talked about separating in the spring. Bang I go away for the weekend at Christmas time and come home, he is packed and ready to leave. There is someone else he tells me then, that is why I must go, but she is also married and her husband found out about us, so she is kicked out so I must leave now. She had nothing to do with our breakup just a coincidence it would never have worked out anyways (we were married 12 years at that time).<P>So he left, and I found her husband and phoned him, I thought he would understand how I felt, that we were in the same boat so to speak and maybe we could talk to each other. Well he and I talked lots.<P>Then bang my husband phones me from his hotel room he is sharing with her, and tells me off for speaking to her husband - he doesn't want you to call him - he called her and us to tell you to leave him alone. WHAT???<P>Guess what - I find out. She is told her husband that she ended the affair with my husband and that is in a hotel room alone begging forgiveness - then I phone her husband and tell him the truth and *** hits the fan for her. So after the first call, she tells her husband that I kicked my H out and he had no place to go so she let him stay there, all the while she is telling my h that she lost everything for him.<P>The story goes on and on but the bottom line, the only thing that changed after the affair was out in the open was the OW added my H to the list of people she lied too. She couldn't maintain her lies when I started talking to her husband because then her stories made no sense.<P>I don't think she ever thought I would call her husband and she could work on saving her marriage while keeping my husband with her in case she might have to be alone. <P>But I told my h - if she would lie to her husband of 15 years, why wouldn't she lie to you? She only knew you three months?<P>

Oh...you guys,<BR>Talking to W this morning after she came in from her place to get the kids ready for school. THe conversation came around to (once again) her being honest with me. She says that she has been honest through out this mess. She wouldn't know honest if it jumped up and bit her on the a**.<P>Anyway, she said that she wasn't in love with me and that she was madly in love with the OM. "I'm just being honest"! I said to her "How do you feel about the fact that you have a hand in breaking up 2 families?" "5 kids involved". It's all about love was her reply. We love each other. SHE SEES NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.<P>I said can you look in the mirror and feel good about what you are doing? She said yes.<BR>If this is the truth...then these two people have no conscience and this is as sad as it gets. No guilt, no remorse, no feelings that they have hurt anybody, and no ability to see what damage this will do to the kids.<P>She told me that there was no affair going on...and that is why she is trying to end our marriage before she starts something else. Apparently, she feels the EA that she has been having for almost a year doesn't count. And the reason that she is not in love with me, has nothing to do with the OM. Such a joke these two. <P>Does anyone know if they still do labotomys in hte U.S.<P>Mike