My W has been living with OM for about one month and seeing him for about two. we are still good friends but the conversations keep getting shorter. we have two children together (9 & 10 ) and they have been my only saving grace. this week my daughter suggested to my W that we have a family day and go to dinner or skiing. my W wrote me and said that she thinks it is a good idea if i think i can handle it.<P><BR>my question is should i go ??<P><BR>would it be sending the wrong message to the kids ?<P>would it be telling her that i am ok with this and she can feel ok about what she is doing.<P>or would this be a good time to work on<BR> plan A.<P><BR>she has never given me any indication that she wants to be more than friends but how friendly should i be.<P>how can i spend family time with her and not feel like she is laughing in my face.<P><BR>i am very confused ...i always want to be with her but when i am i feel so lost and used<P>i would appreciate any comments or suggestions that anyone has to give<P>me<P>

I read your other posting to get the background. The first few paragraphs could have been written by me. You got the classic lines from her, about the guy being friends, needing to separate and that it was about you two, not about anyone else. And everything else. You got good advice already, so I'll assume you are up on Plan A, the books to buy, and the fact that talking to Steve Harley would be really good. He can really put things into perspective, so I recommend it.<P>About family time, I would recommend that you take up any opportunity to be together as a family. Your kids are old enough that they understand something about it all (mine are 5 and almost 3). This is one of your chances to make changes and show her indirectly. But figure out what went wrong, and what things you can improve on. Make Plan A about YOU, and make a better you.<P>It is very hard to spend time together knowing that she is "in love" with someone else. I know that, but I accept the opportunity to be together anyway because it is good. So I suggest you try and stomach everything and just do it, but don't be mopey and down. You don't have to be fake, just be nice and a pleasure to be around (and it isn't always easy). You don't have to feel like she is laughing in your face. She isn't.<P>You have things going for you. One is that the affair is sort of in the open (at least with you). That is something that speeds up the cracks in the fantasy. The whole "it is over and I only love you as a friend" thing is just classic affair stuff. It doesn't mean it is over. You've also got kids, and as the fantasy cracks, they'll continue to want your back together.<P>The whole thing about Plan A and what you need to do, is to just be there for her when reality hits, but that could take months or longer, hopefully it won't be so long. But if you are Plan Aing all that time, and she notices some things, as she realizes that he isn't everything, you'll be in a good place.<P>It isn't telling her that you are OK with this. You can tell her that you are hurt by her affair, and that you are not OK with it all. But just enjoy your kids and be your best. It is like a silent drug. You won't see changes in her thoughts towards you right away, but through time it can happen. I'm still waiting, but for everyone it is different. I didn't find this site until almost 3 months after my wife did the sudden "I need to separate, there's no one else, it is about us, it is too late..." thing. Oh, and "we got married too young, I need to experience life....bla bla bla". But anyway, I think you found it faster than me, so that helps. You can start Plan A right away, and avoid LBs.<P>It is very hard to spend time together, and sometimes you feel like making a stand, and not doing it, because it is so hard, and because you'll feel like sending a message, and perhaps trying to show your wife the reality of not doing family things. But that is for Plan B, and you need to Plan A first before you think of moving to B. So for now, I would do the family stuff.<P>Good luck. There are many of us doing it, so you can too.<P>

I forgot to say one thing. You probably know this already, but no amount of logical discussion and/or pleading for her to come to her senses is likely to help at all. Like Steve says, you don't try and reason with a drunk. Our WSs are like drunks....until they sober up, we can't expect them to operate on logic.

My kids were 10 & 12, now almost 13 & 15 when our troubles started. We did a lot of family time. I used to look at it as--I want to be with him, we are a family, why not have family time? He was clinicaly depressed plus guilty & brooding some of the time, but I simply tried (most of the time) to be my best Plan A self.<P>Some of the activities we did while separated, or separating:<BR>kids' activities--softball, track, orchestra<BR>camping<BR>skiing<BR>movies<BR>restaurants<BR>weddings<BR>family reunions<BR>he stayed at the house overnight for kids' bday slumber parties <BR>Disney World (really, 6 days as he told me he would move out for the 6th time when we returned--ouch, he did--but we had a great time)<P>There was definitely a time (so fogged in) lasting almost 2 years where he wanted a friendly, amicable divorce...but he didn't file. We've been back together since May now & the family times we spent together during the bad times, are viewed as good times.<P>The main thing I told my daughters as we did family time was that I love their dad and I enjoy being with him. I hoped that we would not divorce, I hoped that someday he would come home to stay. I believe that marriage is not just the good times, but also the bad times, sickness, bad decisions, but I had made a commitment to their dad that I intended to keep. I want my kids to know that you don't just cut and run when things get tough. You can make up your mind to do some very hard things when you've set a goal--in my case, being my H's wife...or at least his friend, even when he wasn't wanting to be my H.<P>The number of separations we had was awful...and the oldest didn't really want him to come home anymore because his leaving was too hard, and she expected us to divorce.

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>