As some of you know, I'm leaving on a business trip later today (Sunday). Also, I've recently gotten a new au pair who is still learning the ropes around here. To help her while I'm gone, I brought in my very close Aunt who knows her away around our area and is close to my 12 yo son. All was smooth until a few minutes ago.<P>In a conversation with my wife, she asked me if it was still OK for her to stay at my house while I'm gone to get more time with our son. A few weeks ago, she got mad at me for not asking her to do this instead of asking my Aunt to come. My response then was that "you're always welcome here, but you've said you're not comfortable here so I didn't even imagine that you would want to stay here while I was gone." End of conversation. She interpreted that as OK. I interpreted that as non-conclusive. It hadn't come up again until this morning.<P>What do I do? My first instinct was Great!, no, not great! Wait a minute - you decided to move out! You have to take the bad along with the good. You just can't come barging into my home when I'm not here because of some decision you made to not be here!!!!!<P>My au pair is already uncomfortable with my wife. My Aunt will not be comfortable with her here, but will do whatever it takes to help me.<P>I'm thinking that there's more opportunity for gains instead of loses if I let her stay here. If I tell her no, that'll be a dose of needed reality, but at what cost? If I let her stay, she'll obviously be away from OM and maybe will start to see what she's left behind.<P>I think I'll ask my Aunt to stay as long as she feels comfortable and mostly to be here for the au pair who will be a nervous wreck unless she and my wife get to be better friends.<P>Comments? Suggestions? Please hurry, this all happens today!!!!<P>Dave

Dave,<P>From your previous post:<P>"Had a good session with Steve this morning concluding that I should keep doing what I'm doing - Plan A, demonstrate changes whenever possible, continue acts of kindness, NO LBs, continue to remind her that I'm here for her." <P>This may be one of those chances to do that. <P>Just a thought.<P>-HD

What would your son like? Would he like his mom at home or would it feel weird for him to have 3 people looking out for him?<P>Did you & your W ever work out about the au pair coming over to her place in the mornings? What about the money issues or did you put that on the back burner?<P>Dave, remember with WS sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, they are going to find fault.<P>Have a good trip.

HD, sing - thanks for the quick replies.<P>HD - you're right. More up potential than down.<P>sing - my son is the least affected, believe it or not. He will love the attention. The issue of the au pair going to my wife's place in the morning hasn't come up. I think my wife will use this opportunity to cultivate that. This will be a sticky issue. I've tallied the money and she owes me big time - a couple thousand more than she thinks, but I have perfect records, there can be no dispytes. Now is a good time to spring it on her while I have something she wants.<P>My biggest concern is that she will really try to get on the au pair's good side in order to have some influence. The au pair knows she works for me only. My wife thinks she works for her, too, because she pays half the cost. Not true, I'm the only name on the contract and sharing the costs was just part of the separation agreement.<P>Dave

I think that in Plan A, you really can't say no. Anything you do can be interpreted as an LB, as you know. So although it is tempting to say no, you made a choice, I think saying yes has more upside. Provided that your Aunt and the au pair can handle the situation. Kind of a strange situation, with the three of them there.<P>But I'd say do it. These situations that present themselves are so hard to make decisions on. I've got my kids two extra days this weekend, and I know that part of the reasons is fabricated. So tempting to call her on it, but based on Steve's advice, I'm just doing my best and ignoring what is behind it all.<P>Hope you have a good trip, and we'll look forward to seeing you back, and hopefully under good conditions.<P>

Dave,<P>Maybe you can get a family dinner out of this....tell the au pair that you'll be bringing dinner home (on your way from airport or whatever) when you arrive, and see if you can have your wife stay. Just a silly thought. Bring her a gift too.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited February 04, 2001).]

Thanks, Rick - I think the answer became more obvious after getting over the initial knee-jerk reaction. My Aunt will stay on to make sure the au pair doesn't get intimidated. Thanks for the suggestions, too.<P>Dave