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Joined: Feb 2000
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Hey guys, thanks for your replys, i really appreciate them. i am still horny, but my hubby stil doesnt want me, and i am seriously thinking about an affair even more now. I have tried to satisfy myself with other devices, but it just doesnt do it for me. I need real thing. I dont think my hubby will ever have desire to be with me again. Last week he didnt even want to kiss me on the lips, and now he is being a hippocrit, and i can see how fake he is, even though he tries to hug and kiss me, i can see through his eyes that he just doesnt care about me. I can tell tonight he tried to have pity sex with me, but he fell asleep instead. I was pissed off and woke him up and did major lovebusting. I asked him if he was getting sex at work or somewhere,and he said no, but he just didnt feel like having sex. I told him its been over 2weeks how can you not be horny? He said he isnt happy anymore, and just wants to get along with me for our 5 month old baby. That really hurt, and i told him that since he didnt satisfy me that i was going to look for someone who did. He still doesnt give a damn. I know having affair may not be the answer, but i cant leavy hubby, because i dont want my son without his father. maybe a discreet affair is better than divorce. i just cant stand it anymore, but i cant stand his pity for me either. what can i do? should i continue plan A, but it is so hard when someone tells you they only want to be here for baby and that they dont want you sexually? is it possible for a man to go without sex that long? please help.

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It appears we are in simular situations, if you would like to compare notes feel free to email me johnfxds@hotmail.com....<P>Have a wonderful day....<P>God Bless...

Joined: Aug 2000
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I don't know your whole story, but I'd guess that it isn't about him not being horny. It is about problems between the two of you. And yes, a man (or woman) can go awhile without having sex. It depends on the person, and on what is going on in their life (stress, happiness, problems, etc.).<P>Clearly he isn't happy, but what will it take to wake him up? Have you gone to counselling. What does he see long term? The two of you together? Have you read HN/HN, Light His Fire, or any other books. Have you bought any of the books like 101 Nights or Romance or whatever, to get ideas?<P>How is the relationship other than sex. Do you do things together, watch movies, go on a date, talk, etc.?<P>

Joined: Jan 2001
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amy, <BR>i am sorry for your dilemma, but instead of having an affair to satisfy your own selfish desires, maybe trying to get to the root of the problem through talk with your H and or marriage councelling, would help you? seems to me that there is an underlying problem that needs to be worked out. <BR>i have been in a similar situation, and if you think 2 weeks, or 2 months is bad, i'd hate to see you go through something like this for a year.<BR>you might want to look up sexual aversion in the forums, there may or may not be useful information for you to go on. an affair will only make your situation worse, and i'm sure you aren't looking to do that.<BR>i wish you the best

Joined: Jul 1999
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aamymail,<P>I understand the frustration, my h's sex drive is not the same as mine, nor has he ever been a touchy , feelie type person. I can tell you that early in our marriage I turned to someone else for those things, and almost lost the marriage I wanted to keep. It also put me in the position of feeling like I deserved him cheating on me after that. <P>I still have those needs, and he is still not as responsive to them. But I have learned something, no one can fulfill all our needs, we all have to be willing compromise about somethings.<P>I can also assure you that if you are lbing he is not going to give you what you want. Would you want to have sex with someone who said things like that to you ?<P>Just remember that if you do cheat the decision to stay married may be taken out of your hands. Even if h cheated before and you forgave him, doesn't mean he would be willing to do the same.

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[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Have you ever considered horseback riding? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I couldn't help myself! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Joined: May 2000
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John...<P>You two are asking for trouble! Those kind of 'comparing of notes' between opposite members of the sex...is a recepie for disaster.

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lighthouse - call me cynical(I do work in law enforcement) [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com], but I looked at that post and I thought to myself that there was an alterior motive for that invitation..........I hope I was wrong John.<p>[This message has been edited by F A (edited February 05, 2001).]

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aamymail, get a grip! I don't know how old you are, or why it is that your husband seems to be having this problem with you, but you really need to look at this realistically. People can live very well without sex for long periods of time - I know, I have gone for about 4 years since my husband began his affair (2 years before he moved out and 2 years since).<P>Perhaps, instead of lovebusting because you aren't getting what you want, you should find a way to communicate that you want your marriage to be successful. Granted, at this point your needs are not being met, but two weeks without sex is truly not a long time.<P>Has your husband indicated why he is unhappy? See if you can get him to talk to you instead of being demanding for sex...<P>What do you think will happen if you have an affair and it is discovered? Wake up! Lots of horrible things happen when an affair is discovered! Not to try to scare you, but how many times have you seen on the news some man killed his wife, his kids and himself because he discovered his wife was cheating on him? That is, of course, one of the most tragic and drastic examples, but keep this in mind: If you have an affair, you might not have to worry about your child being without a father - you might have to worry about whether or not you will get good visitation when they take the baby away from YOU! Or you might contract a fatal disease like AIDS and your baby will grow up without a mother.<P>There are thousands of reasons not to have an affair, and NO reason TO HAVE ONE!<P>As for John's offer to compare notes ... I hope I am jumping on the WRONG bandwagon when I echo the concerns voiced by the others. When you are feeling neglected as you are, it is never a good idea to talk about your relationship one on one with a member of the opposite sex. "Comparing notes" sounds suspiciously like "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" and it is A BAD THING!<P>Read all of the stuff on this site, get books and TRY TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE WORK. I recommend "Divorce Busting" by Michele Weiner Davis - but only if you intend to TRY.<P>Good luck to you...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

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Hello, I don't know your situation either but I thought I would fill you in on what happened to my marriage.<P>I, too decided that I did not want or need to have sex with my husband anymore and sometimes we would not have sex for 5-6 months at a time. He may have been horny but he never told me that.<P>Anyway the reason was he never talked to me! He got up every morning went to work and left me the responsibility of getting the kids up, making lunches, catching buses, driving kids to daycare and getting myself to work. Then after work I did the whole thing in reverse, pick the kids up drive home, make supper, do dishes, homework laundry etc.<P>What did my husband do? Work and come home, play on the computer, watch TV sleep on the couch, bark at the kids, drink some beers. <BR>Then I would get the kids to bed and fall into bed myself exhausted and he would stay up and surf the internet.<P>Why didn't I instigate sex, because I was doing everything else and I wasn't about to beg him for sex. We did not talk and I did not feel terribly attracted to him during those times.<P>When you are love busting your husband about not having sex with you, ask yourself what you have done today to make him feel loved and appreciated. Have you helped him with his day, talked to him about his work etc. Let him know that he is loved and appreciated and you are happy to have him at home. These are all the mistakes we made and of course some woman at work was willing to tell my H how wonderful he was and guess where he got sex. <P>People can not just fall into bed and have sex with someone - you need to communicate, to help each other and build a team, make him feel special and sexy and loved. <P>

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I think you should think about taking a sex vacation, see what your marriage is all about. That way you won't be looking for sex, and will see many other things in your life. From my life I know that some people feel that is all they are good for is Sex. If they don't want me for sex what am I good for. Look at the big picture, sex is such a small fraction of your whole. There are a million ways to make love to someone. The other night my H was very loving, I asked him if he would like to make love to me and he replied I already have. If you think intercourse is the only way to have sex think again. Also remember men have to be able to function to have intercourse. We don't if I had to be able to not only get an erection but maintain one my H would be SOL. Emotions control desire, not only for women but for men also. I think you are looking for reasons to have an A. If that is what you are leading up to I am sure there are plenty of takers. Having an Affair is one of the easiest no brainers there could be. As for John's invitation, Wrong Place, Wrong time. There is enough pain on this board without us using it as a pick up place. IMO at least. Jenni


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