My husband and I have been apart for the last year due to his job. He comes home once or twice a month and I have gone a few times to see him. 3 years ago he had a "relationship" with OW. He says they were just friends but it is hard to believe. He bought her an expensive gift and has lied about being with her several times. He told me that he will not see her anymore and wants to save our marriage. I went down to see him this past weekend. He told me he had a very romantic weekend planned. (It has been a long time since he planned anything) I was really looking forward to it. When I got to his place he had a meeting to go to. I took a nap and then I admitt I snooped around. That was not what I came there for, and I wish that I had not done it. I found some cards from OW professing her love. I tried to tell myself that they were probably old and I was over reacting. So when he came home we went out to dinnner. He was acting wonderful to me and was very attentive. I just couldn't keep it inside and I confronted him when we got back. He flipped out and said that was the only reason that I was there to see him. He felt completley violated and that those were old letters that meant nothing to him. I am the one he is with and wants to be with. Anyways the whole weekend was ruined and I feel terrable. I know he was really trying to make things work. Now he doesn't trust me. What next?<BR>

My question to you is why is he holding on to those letters? And if you snooped it was because you had a feeling- everyone here knows they had the feeling something was up- probably ignored it for a long time, but we know we really did know the whole time- we just didn't let the right part of our brain know it. Your gut instinct is your heart- you know the other person so well, when they act off kilter- something is up. Trust you- because you did something so normal- if you didn't snoop on an occasion and didn't completely trust him, you wouldn't be doing it right. I had occasionally snooped on my H. It was when I finally gave in to completely trust him that he had an affair. No, you don't trust 100%--that is denying the fact that anyone can have an affair. And from this website anyone can....<BR>Your H and you are prime examples of who can have an A. Your never together, rarely fulfilling needs..How can your marriage survive no time. The letters should be warning bells- why would he have them, especially knowing it would hurt you. If the relationship was an affair long ago, everything should have been gone if it was truly over. Why would someone hold on to something like that?<BR>I will give him the benefit of the doubt. <BR>Why did he flip out and accuse you that your intention to visit him was to spy or find out if he was having an affair? Why would he think that? Is that not an irrational, unfounded thought. If nothing was going on would you think he would accuse you of trying to find something and that was your intention all along. It sounds awfully strange. So, here is a good question...<BR>Did he ever deny that there was anything going on or did he automatically accuse you without answering your question? Did he say "of course not" anything to deny he was doing anything wrong..If so okay, otherwise he sure did deflect your question and make you the one on the defensive end. Turn the tables quick..You went from offensive to defensive pretty quick. And if your asking for him to trust you, I'd say he did a pretty good job there.

It really is no suprise to me that he saved the cards from her. He is a major pack rat and he saves every thing. Yes he does deny that he had an A. He says they were just good friends and that she felt more. All I really want is honesty. Even if he admitted to an A. I would be willing to work it out. I love him and 12 years and 2 children are not something to throw away. I don't no what to believe. He is very convincing. He said that we need to get over the past. Maybe he just wants to forget that anything happened. (if it really did) It has been a while since this first started, but nothing has really been done to help the trust situation. Time is not enough to make it all better. I told him how insecure that I am. That is why I snoop. I hate the person that I have become. The one I always was sure of was that he would never cheat on me. People think that I am crazy to not have left him 3 years ago. But they are not me. We have something together. I love him like I know I will never love anyone else. He is not a bad person. And I know that he cares deeply for me.

Vickie<BR>Why do you live apart?<P>Is there anyway you could live closer together?<P>Ask him to throw the cards away if they mean nothing to him, tell him you are sorry that you snooped and you two must both work on trusting each other.<P>Good luck to you - I worked on marriage too because we were together for 12 years with two kids.<P>

We live apart because of his job. Hopefully that will be changing soon. I hope that he will accept my apology for snooping. He really was trying to make our weekend great and I feel that I really blew it. I don't know when we will have another chance to spend that much time alone together again. I can totally relate to his issues on trust too. We both need to get it back. I hope we can.

I feel for him,and for you, BUT<P>The point is that if someone is stepping over your bounderies and you keep allowing them to do it, it is your responsibility. <P>Vampires can't come into your house unless you invite them in.<P>He invited you in.