...<p>[This message has been edited by purplemag (edited February 06, 2001).]

Hi Purplemag,<P>If you look under PlainJane's post under Recovery, regarding "Proposed letter to OM's W," you'll find the letter there. The letter that should be used is OhMyMarie's version.<P>I really have to ask the motive of your friend. You mentioned that your friend feels betrayed because this man offered her the world.<P>I honestly do not feel that contacting the OM's W is for the OM's W's benefit, but more for revenge on your friend's part.<P>Although I do agree that the OM's Wife should know, I think that your friend first needs to ask why. If it is to apologize to the OM's Wife, then that is fine, but it should be done with remorse & should be sincere...NOT because she is vindicating herself because it didn't work out between her & OM.<P>BTW: Purplemag, how are you?<P><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited February 05, 2001).]

...<p>[This message has been edited by purplemag (edited February 06, 2001).]

PUHLEEEEEEZE, do tell your ow friend to get off her high horse!! Where was her concern for this man's wife when she was carrying on her ea with the husband. It is not for her to decide what is just and what is not for this woman. She should never have been intimately involved with this couple, and she has no business with contact of ANY kind now. I don't suspect her motives. I know what her motives are. She is a woman scorned who is out for revenge.

...<p>[This message has been edited by purplemag (edited February 06, 2001).]

The best thing for her to do would be to go into counseling for herself. It would be great if she went into it with her husband for them..She does need it for herself. How can she function with this revenge eating her alive? How can she improve her marriage with it? It will only destroy her in the end. She has got to get some psychotherapy..This is not something that will just go away. I am sure if she obssesses about it that her fury to this man and his family is growing, and she will become irrational. It is frightening to comtemplate what her revenge will ultimately entail.

Sorry but your friend is lying to herself and to you by saying "She feels sorry for the wife and feels she should know about whom she is married to" That is a crock! She is hurt and angry because her LACK OF GOOD JUDGEMENT IN PEOPLE has proven to be wrong. She was dumped and is now angry that he chose to stay married and not be with her. She would have been perfectly content to let this married man walk out on his marriage to be with her, but since he is staying SHE IS ANGRY and has had a big EGO bashing. She had no words for the wife before he dumped her and now she feels that if she tells the wife she is being a DECENT WOMAN! Please, she will look like the scorn loser and when the wife DOESN'T LEAVE THE HUSBAND like she is HOPING then she will feel even more stupid. Tell this woman to grow up, and get some therapy to learn to deal with her DISPLACED ANGER! She made the wrong choices but she wants others to pay the consequences instead of taking responsibility for her own mistakes.

...<p>[This message has been edited by purplemag (edited February 06, 2001).]

I was the WS and called my OWs H after the affair was over, for many reasons, including revenge (although that was a very small part). I did it to prove to my W that I was committed to recovery, I did it to hurt the OW, and I did it to burn the bridge back to her.<P>It was just another act of betrayal of myself, just as the affair itself. Of all the things I did, with the exclusion of the affair itself, I regret making that call the most. Because like the affair, it was a betrayal of <B>myself</B> and principles I had lived by my whole life. Withdrawal was long and hard, and I think I made it worse on myself by doing this.<P>I do feel your friend will do this regardless of how many reasons are given not to, though. If there is one sad thing I have seen here over the last two years, it is new people making the same mistakes over and over again, never learning the lessons posted. Unfortunately, these hard lessons have to be lived to be learned. I know the guilt and horror your friend will go through after contacting the OMs W, because I lived it. Yet there is nothing I can say which will dissuade her from making that contact. I know this, because there was nothing that could have stopped me either... and I wish there had been.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Purplemag,<P>Did you find the Post you were looking for? If you haven't, just let me know and I'll e-mail it to you.<P>I have a question? What does your friend's therapist suggest regarding informing OM's wife?