Leilana, Hi! Thanks for your reply to my post about why I want them to be together.<P>You said there were other benefits to my situation other than my being the OW to the OW (I know, it IS really funny isn't it? She hates it!), but you didn't have alot of time to write that day. . .could you let me know the rest of your thoughts?<P>Also, you said to search for lostva's posts, how do I search for ONLY the ones she's posted? Not ones she's replied to also?<P>Thanks for the help! Hope to hear from you soon!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by bitsy:<BR><B>Also, you said to search for lostva's posts, how do I search for ONLY the ones she's posted? Not ones she's replied to also?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sorry to jump in here uninvited. I just wanted to say that every word lostva has written on these boards has incredible value. Every thread she's participated in should be part of NSR's "notable posts". Some of the most encouraging words I've read have been lostva's replies, so even though it might take a long time, it's worth the read.<P>Good luck to you, bitsy.<BR>

I was just going to say that!<P>Just so you know, I don't stay up nites thinking about this, but it was a point of resentment for quite a long time. <P>Ok, the bennies of your H living la vida loca.<P>You don't have to pick up after him.<P>She does.<P>You don't have to wash his stinky socks and dirty underwear.<P>She does.<P>You don't have to wake up each morning morning and plant a smile on your face and worry frantically how you're going to keep him happy and satisfied and by your side for another day. <P>She does.<P>Can you see where I'm going with this?<P>You can complete the rest.<P>ENJOY this time. I never got it. How I would have loved to have gotten some "me" time. Eat chocolate mint chip ice cream for dinner. Not worry 24hrs. a day if I was fulfilling his "attractiveness in a spouse" emotional need. Joined the Sierra club, took voice lessons, golf lessons, took yoga classes (but don't dare do because they would interfere with our ">15hrs. of quality time together" that Harley touts. Without it, we lose our connectedness. <P>Of course my marriage is a priority over those fun things, but it I would have made the most out of the opportunity you have been given.<P>I would have bought that loveseat recliner I've always wanted but that my H won't agree enthusiastically to!<P>I would have gone to a spa retreat! Visited my sister who lives on another island. All the things that my H would hate to do and won't join me in, I would do.<P>It also saves you the aggravation of having to swallow your LBing words and reactions if he's not around to hear them. <P>You don't have to "pretend" happiness or a positive outlook for long periods of time like you would if you two were housemates. Only when you see him. You save yourself so much energy!<P>You have free time to yourself. Not running around trying to make sure your H is happy and satisfied 24/7. That's OW's job. And she knows she has to keep it up. So you know she is doing it in desperation. I don't think she's having a very good time anymore. <P>YOU get to look like the tasty dessert, here, to your H. You're the grass that is greener. <P>Also, if you get to be in recovery (before the OW LB's their relationship to death) you will always be in competition with "beautiful" memories of his time with her. If there is not yuckiness to remember, you will be hard pressed to prove your H how a relationship with you is better than with her. <P>This is what I am having to do. Granted, we're solid. But I wistfully wish that the ex-OW had gotten to wash his BVD's and cleaned up after his constant messes, they had gotten to struggle and fight over the bills and the mortgage, my nosy in-laws and their constant demands on his time, dealing with his "Larry, Mo and Curly" type friends and <I>their</I> constant demand on his time, his lack of planning ahead and her needing to look perfect and have a well organized life. I wished she had gotten a good look at all his bad habits that he couldn't hide in a live-in situation. I would have loved to watch her eyes round with horror as the fog vanished. As everything romantic turned to reality.<P>Vent-fest! <P>According to her H, the OW can B#@*% when she doesn't get things her way. Too bad my H didn't see too much of that. <P>You will be blessed if your H gets a taste of that. <P>You want your H to RUN away from her. <P>You want him to run to you--not in guilt or on the rebound but in realization that you are the best thing in his life. And that he was a screwed up idiot to ever think she ever could be.<P>What you got is a blessing, Babes! A gift. <BR>Use it wisely. I wish I had gotten it!<P>Maybe most of my reasons sound shallow, selfish and superficial--but there they are. <P>There are some very good ones mixed up in there somewhere--regarding how her negatives will affect your recovery in a positive way when you get there. <P>"In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity"<BR>-Einstein<P><BR>Aloha,<P>L<P>P.S. Sometimes we are so busy adding up our troubles that we forget to count our blessings. <p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited February 05, 2001).]

Leilana,<BR>Thank you!! I see your points. Sometimes I get so caught up in how this makes me feel and I have trouble finding any positives to focus on. I am saving your words to my computer and I'm sure I'll look at them often! I will also be searching for lostva's posts!