Wow, I guess that's the one side of my dilemma I hadn't considered...if he really did go be with her.<P>But, I have watched my H's pain over OW and how much he loves her (she was actually a nice person in my mind) and I don't know how he'll EVER be able to love me again if he doesn't go experience "normal life" with her. I often think that I would rather he go be with her than to "try" to work it out with me. <P>Can he ever truly love me again if he always has these "what ifs" in his mind? <P>Am I a fool to encourage him to be with her as I watch all of this pain? I just don't know if I can do it.

It's a 50-50 risk to take.<BR>I fully understand why you're wondering about this.<BR>My W went through the same trauma just after I discovered her affair. She kept saying she'd never know if she made the right decision or not.<BR>Only time will tell.<BR>Do not be in too much of a hurry to push him into her arms.<BR>I sometimes regret not having told my wife to leave immediately, but she already admitted she had doubts about living with OM on a day-to-day basis. She asked if I would take her back if it didn't work out, and I said definitely not!<BR>That seems to have calmed her down.

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

Another encouraging bit of news about H going to be with OW. He says he sees that the A "was what it was" - not soul mates or true love or something special or different, but simply an affair.

My H's affair was brief...7 weeks...but we have been dealing with her sporadic contact for the last 2 years! She wants my H and when she attempts to contact, she tries via e-mail. The problem is that my H replies to her e-mail!<P>Before this last contact (we hadn't heard from her in over a year), I had been doing such an effective Plan A. Our marriage had recovered and we were happy.<P>However, with her last contact, again, he wasn't honest with me...he secretly contacted her. He claimed he was telling her that he wanted no further contact. Who knows the truth though...I found out through snooping.<P>I told him, "If you feel the need to have contact with her, go be with her. You can be with her out in the open. No more lies, no more secrets. You have my blessing. I cannot deal with her in my life anymore, whether it be with you in my life, or not. I just want her OUT of my life completely. I refuse to compete with someone who is far beneath me, and if you feel the need for her to be in our life, then that tells me about you. I want a legal separation. At least, I can move forward with my life and be with someone who cares 100% for me, and me only. I have no desire to share my H with any other woman."<P>His reaction was panic. He kept claiming that he was telling her, "No further contact." And the story goes on...

I think that generally if a man thinks he is head over heels in love and if he gives in and indulges his "feelings," it may be a very long time if ever before he comes back to his wife. In other cases the ow is just a sex toy or is a genuine loser, and h has never for a minute felt anything like respect or love - just lust. That's different & those men may see the mistake when they pursue the relationship out in the open.<P>HOWEVER, sometimes the ow might very well be a person that they could've had a good life with but for the fact that they were both married. Ow may be a nice person who like the husband is confused, in the fog, and temporarily possessed by the devil. As painful as it is to admit it, I think that was the case with my h. <P>I definately think that it would not have worked if my h left home to be with ow, but the reasons are just the practical things- money, children and other family reactions on both sides, social status, careers, etc.... Nevertheless, left to their "feelings," they might well have created utter chaos trying to make a life together before they realized it. I think with some men it's years before they realize they are right back with ow where they were with their wife. Meanwhile they have destroyed a family learning their life lesson. <P>It hurt like he// & still does that it was not a matter of my h's choosing me over ow. It would've made recovery so much less painful if at some point he had just decided of his own free will to choose to love me, but that is simply not how it happened. That doesn't mean that he has regrets...... it just leaves me with no alternative but to feel that I was his second choice. The old if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.<P>You should think really hard about whether your h will come back before too much damage is done to make recovery impossible before you tell him to go. You may already know (like Survivor- NoTrust) that your h wants you for his life partner whether or not he can completely give up his ow toy. If you do know that, then offering him the door is probably the best thing you can do. He won't take it. <P>I guess you just need to consider your alternatives. What do you really have control of? How much can you take before you need to save yourself and move on. <P>I am obviously one of those who say that time comes upon discovery if h doesn't end it with ow. I think that wives are enabling destructive conduct when they allow the affair and the marital relationship to continue indefinately at the same time. Marriage just can't compete with fantasy love.<P>I forced my h and ow apart. It worked out well for my h says that he is extremely grateful to me for saving him from a foolish and destructive course. That was good for our marriage, but I wish he could've made the choice on his own. As I said, however, left to his own judgment at that time, I don't think he could've or would've given her up. He's fine, but I'm left with a severely trampled self. I sense that you are struggling with that same pain. I hope that you can find a way to deal with this that will work for you for the long term.

You know, there's definitely something to be said for letting the WS have a dose of reality sprinkled on their fantasy.<P>I certainly don't know what you should do - I don't even know what I would do if I could redo my own situation now that I know the MB principles.<P>I can tell you though that in my situation I asked my husband to move out after months of all-nighters and other hints that there was an affair going on. The OW helped him find an apartment, and proceeded to behave as if it was only a matter of time before he was divorced and they could move on with their lives.<P>This was the best thing for my husband to experience. After a few months of her demands, househunting, and pressure to move in with her, along with her furious temper over his refusal to admit to hating me, life at home began to look much better.<P>It helped that since he was a visitor-only in our home so that I could make things really nice whenever he was due to visit. Reality and fantasy reversed themselves! <P>The fantasy with the OW was really over when he took her to his company Christmas party and she physically assaulted a co-worker of his <P>Now we are in recovery (sorta) - but she's definitely out of his life. But it took over a year for him to come to his senses. He needed to face reality before he could come back and work on his marriage.<P>Either way you decide, its going to be a rough ride. Hang in there!<BR>