Hi guys...<BR>after my conversation with my wife last night, I have the funny feeling that I will be getting a call from my lawyer very soon. <P>My wife seems to think that by pushing a divorce through quickly, it will justify the fact that she has been having an EA with this Doctor. She won't admit that the EA even constitutes an affair!<P>So now, instead of trying to let the A burn out...it looks like our marriage will be over before she comes out of the fog...if she ever does. She is willing to estrange herself from her family. She had big fights yesterday with her parents and sister..and of course it's my fault that they are mad at her. She doesn't think that she has any responsibility for the break up of 2 families. She says that his family is his business. I'm sure that his wife would agree with her right now!<P>I feel for my 2 kids and his 3 kids because of the devastation that this stuff causes. He has a 13 year old daughter. Does my wife think that she is going to be accepted into his family? I'm sure that the 13 year old will hate her. Havoc, hurt, destruction...all caused by 2 inconciderate people. I asked her this morning why she would want to hurt me like this. SHe said that she was just being honest. As soon as she knew the extent of her feelings for this guy...she knew our relationship was over. Nice...no working on anything, no help...just over. 12 years...thrown away like yesterdays newspaper. Sorry, I don't like the wayy things are right now...so I think I'll go find someone new.<P>It's sso hard as you all know...when you love someone and they don't return the love and aren't even willing to do anything to repair something that you thought was beautiful. i feel like I have been kicked and kicked and then kicked again.<P>My kids are my saving grace. I love them more than life itself, and I am sick to think that their mother is capable of this. It is also so hard to sit here and watch someone that you love self destruct right in front of your eyes.<P>Mike<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by mbtrk (edited February 06, 2001).]

My wife affair partner was had only been married about a year and was 20 years younger than her. We have two late teen kids that are great. His wife doesn't even know about the affair I don't think. Of course he doesn't want anything to do with any of this mess now. (Who can blame him)My wife has practically destroyed me and potentially destrying the kids and she acts like it should just all go away and not have to deal with it. Go Figure <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by mbtrk:<BR><B>Hi guys...<BR>after my conversation e=with mty wife last night, I have the funny feeling that I will be getting a call from my lawyer very soon. <P>My wife seems to think that by pushing a divorce through quickly, it will justify the fact that she has been having an EA with this Doctor. She won't admit that the EA even constitutes an affair!<P>So now, instead of trying to let the A burn out...it looks like our marriage will be over before she comes out of the fog...if she ever does. She is willing to estrange herself from her family. She had big fights yesterday with her parents and sister..and of course it's my fault that they are mad at her. She doesn't think that she has any responsibility for the break up of 2 families. She says that his family is his business. I'm sure that his wife would agree with her right now!<P>I feel for my 2 kids and his 3 kids because of the devastation that this stuff causes. He has a 13 year old daughter. Does my wife think that she is going to be accepted into his family? I'm sure that the 13 year old will hate her. Havoc, hurt, destruction...all caused by 2 inconciderate people. I asked her this morning why she would want to hurt me like this. SHe said that she was just being honest. As soon as she knew the extent of her feelings for this guy...she knew our relationship was over. Nice...no working on anything, no help...just over. 12 years...thrown away like yesterdays newspaper. Sorry, I don't like the wayy things are right now...so I think I'll go find someone new.<P>It's sso hard as you all know...when you love someone and they don't return the love and aren't even willing to do anything to repair something that you thought was beautiful. i feel like I have been kicked and kicked and then kicked again.<P>My kids are my saving grace. I love them more than life itself, and I am sick to think that their mother is capable of this. It is also so hard to sit here and watch someone that you love self destruct right in front of your eyes.<P>Mike<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Mike, I feel so bad for you right now. I really don't know what to say - other than that I really admire your compassion. Your last line really sturck me:<P>[It is also so hard to sit here and watch someone that you love self destruct right in front of your eyes.]<P>And, that's what she's doing. If the OM's family is his work, where does that leave her? Unfortunately, in probably the same place as the OM's wife in a couple of years or less. Personally, I think she will really regret what she's losing. she may not realize it now, but I bet months, maybe years from now, there will be at least one day that she regrets what is happening.<P>You know, I believe in miracles. I believe they happen everyday - when we're not even looking, when we're not ready for them. Even though the marriage is over in her eyes, I expect that you do not agree. Your patience and compassion will guide you through life - a life where you will have no regrets, no lost opportunities. You tried, you put forth the effort - and I think it will pay off - one way or the other. Have faith, and I pray that you perservere through this and accept whatever comes your way with confidence.<P><BR>

hi SKM,<BR>As I sit here writing this I have tears in my eyes. My heart is broken and I now don't know what to do. I just got off the phone with my wife and I appologized for all the direspectfull judgements that I have made about her in the last 3 months. A big step for me. She threw it back in my face. She said that she can't talk to me anymore and that she had just talked to her councilor and her councilor agreed that she should just not talk to me. <P>Granted, I have not been the easiest person to be around for quite a while. I feel like a wounded animal. Cornered, with no place to go. Anyway...she said that her councilor said that the affair was just a catalyst to end our relationship. I never really had my wifes heart and this OM just awakened something that she never felt for me. My W says that after talking to her councilor that she now knows that there is no way she is ever coming back. It's over. It has been recommended to her that she date at least 3 people before getting into another relationship. I didn't know that there was a quota. My W says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore but that's the way it has to be. <P>I thought that councilors were supposed to help...apparently this one is not pro marriage.<P>i just feel so lost right now. My best friend has decided that I was good enough to marry, good enough to have children with but not good enough for her now. She chose to let some other man capture her heart and not talk to me about problems she was having. I have never experienced anything of this magnitude before.<P>God...how I love her, and how I'm afraid I'm going to have to let her go. <P>The last thing that I told her before she hung up was that I loved her, and if this blows up in your face...I'll be there for you. <P>Now what do I do?....

Mike,<P>Your whole last paragraph struck a chord with me. I could have written it myself.<P>Since my wife revealed her affair to me four months ago, she has become a completely different person. She has been physically sick more often than not, has gained over 50 pounds, and has more than doubled the amount of cigarettes she smokes in a day. She has totally alienated my oldest daughter, 14, whom she shares a bedroom with. How many girls that age should have to put up with sharing a room with their mother?<P>My wife has lied on several occassions to both our daughters. They know there is a lot more to what is going on then their parents just having some problems. This OP whom she is having an EA with is not only a woman, but also my wife's boss and someone who up to a few months ago has been close to my girls. Now my oldest all of a sudden can't stand her and it has nothing to do with anything I've done or said to her. She just knows that Mommy would rather spend more time with her "friend" than her family.<P>Hopefully, some good will come from this. Maybe a WS has to hit rock bottom, and the realization of a Plan B, before something positive can happen.<P>Stick in there...

Hi all...<BR>I had a session with Steve this afternoon...thank goodness. After the last week and the day that I have just had I needed to talk. <P>I filled him in on all the crap that has been happening. I am to stay in Plan A and demostrate change when I can. This will prove to be tough as my wife has decided that it is best that we not talk. We are to disrespectful to each other. <P>I am going to send her an appology card and say that I am sorry and that I am still in my "working on" phase. <P>I can't help it but after the past 7 days this situation just seems to be getting to the hopeless point. I want so much to believe that things will turn around, but instead we seem to be getting farther and farther apart. <P>it seems as though I am not only trying to fight a battle that has many misinformed people on there side, but they don't want to fight fair. <P>I wish that things were different. I listen to my 2 young kids ask when is mommy coming home. I hear my 6 year old say his prayers and say god bless mom, keep her safe and we hope she comes home someday. It makes me want to cry all over again. <P>I guess if god can hear a 6 year olds prayers then maybe we stand a chance of seeing things change. I'm at the point where that's all I seem to have to believe in.<P>Mike<P>

Mike,<P>Try and remember that no matter what happens in the very short term, things can change. Things seeming hopeless in the past 7 days is only a very short span of time, and unfortunately, these affairs don't run the course that fast. She isn't even thinking now about anything....it is not likely to stay that way forever.<P>Just for one small example, read Cloudy's post. I remember her from the fall, and in hers you'll see that her husband was saying he hated her, but now, although the A is still on, he is suddenly hugging and kissing again, and thinking of her differently. These things take alot of time. I know you know all this anyway, but I wanted to say it anyway. I feel so bad for you, because I remember the early days of my situation, and yours is even compounded by the potential of a fast divorce threat.<P>Stay the course and be the strong one. Focus on the kids. They can eventually have an impact.

Dear mbtrk,<BR>I thought long and hard before replying, but of all the situations on the forum, yours is the one that distresses me the most.<BR>It is about time that someone told you there is nothing whatsoever that you can do, at this stage, to stop your wife from proceeding with the divorce.<P>She is possessed by a fever which controls her, fuelled by this idiot of a counsellor telling her basically to "go for it if it makes you happy". Even your W's parents are having no impact on her.<P>There is nothing at all that you can do that you have not already done. I hate to see what this is doing to you inside, it is destroying you, and it makes me feel terrible for you that you and your children have had to do this.<P>It looks like you are going to have to face a divorce, and accept it. But I disagree with you on one point: you must stop saying that you will be there if your wife is this whole thing blows up in her face. <BR>You should keep this kind of statement to yourself, even if it is what you really feel.<P>You are just making it easier for her to go through with the divorce, what do you know what she is thinking? She has all the advantages and all the good cards at the moment, if the worst comes to the worst, she has a good, loving husband to fall back upon, so why not take a chance?<P>I mean well, mbtrk, but my harsh opinion is the fruit of experience. <BR>I forced my W to tell me of her affair, after several days of lying to me. She said she wanted both of us at the same time, can you believe that? <BR>She asked me if I would take her back if she lived for a while with the OM (just to see what it was like), and things didn't work out. <BR>I firmly replied that the front door would remain permanently shut for ever once she left, and that I would divorce her immediately for adultery and neglect of her children. She was even ready to leave me the kids, can you believe that?<BR>The next day, rejected by her parents for what she was about to do to her children, she decided to run her car up against a tree to kill herself, but chickened out at the last second and turned the wheel of the car to miss the tree.<BR>Because I was firm, and her parents were firm, she was dealt a dose of reality, so she made her choice and decided to stay, cut off all contact with the OM at once, and 3 months after the affair we are struggling along the road to recovery, taking it day by day. But she had to be severely jolted out of her insanity.<BR>She is still mourning the OM and is seeing a psychiatrist, and I am in the middle of Plan A. With a woman I have known for nearly 20 years, the mother of my twin boys aged 10, and we all love her dearly.<BR>But the uncertainty of those early days is becoming less intense as each week goes by.<P>Now I know that my situation is much better than yours, and that your W is not listening to you, and that a reality check for the moment will not affect her, and that you may lose your house and end up renting an appartment for you and the children, etc. etc. <BR>But it seems to me, in your situation, that your destiny is to have to go through this. To preserve the love you have for your wife, let her go. She has to go through this herself to find out whether she is right or not. And you will only be able to communicate with her again once she has gone out and made the biggest mistake of her life. But she has to realize that herself.<BR>You cannot force her to realize it.<P>You may be the most marvellous, persevering and experienced Plan A'er on the forum, but events I'm afraid are out of your control for the moment, and you must start preparing for a future in which you will no longer be with your W., because those children depend on you 100%.<BR>Easy to say, gut wrenching hard to do.<BR>Please get to a psychiatrist and tell the psy to help you prepare for letting her go, for both your sake and the sake of the kids.<P>And if the worst comes to the worst, <BR>somebody as good as you are will find somebody else like yourself, because you deserve it.<P>From somebody in France who wishes you well. <BR>I really feel bad for you and the kids.<BR>Best wishes to you and your children,<BR>Steve E.

Hi Steve,<BR>It is very sad to think that my wife who I thought was a very rational person, is basing her entire decision on the fact that she feels that she is madly in love with this person. You know the feeling that you get when you go through that initial stage of euphoria.<P>She doesn't want to think about the history we have, or the family that we have created. So she feels if she is this passionate about the OM, then she should end our relationship. I now know what they mean by tough love...I love her with all that I am, but have to sit back and watch her destroy 2 families and herself in the process. I have to listen to the garbage that is coming from her mouth that the councilor and her talk about.<P>I truly think that the true meaning of hopeless is this situation. Now I am going through the reflection process and trying to figure out if this person that I love is worth all this heart ache and is this person really the one I married. The answer to the second part is no.I don't know the person that she has become. Nobody in her family or mine knows her anymore. Someone that treasured family...has estranged herself from them. Someone who, 6 months ago was ready to write off her friend who had an affair, is now confiding in her.<P>I am not deluding myself that this relationship will probably end up in divorce. She is like a runaway train. Nobody better get in her way. Also knowing her and the way that she is...I don't think that she would stop this now even if she wanted to. She would lose too much face. It's sad to think that she is capable of doing this to me and the kids. She's like a drunk who can't wait to get her next drink. <P>They should make laws that make divorce difficult so that more people would think before they acted. In the case of infidelity, they should be held accountable. In my state it is no fault. So I'm going to lose my wife, lose half of the time with my kids, possibly lose my home, have my family torn apart, all because of some doctor and my wife who didn't have the sense god gave a slug to run when they had the chance.<P>Mike

Dear mbtrk,<BR>I'm sorry I came over as harsh.<BR>You talk about your W as: <BR>"Someone who, 6 months ago was ready to write off her friend who had an affair, is now confiding in her."<BR>My W's best friend had just an EA, no contact, and said she would never be capable of doing the same thing.<BR>Then it was a case of "love at first sight", it all happened in 10 seconds, seeing another guy's face, build and good humor.<BR>Then she forgot me entirely, nearly 20 years down the drain just for some good-looking creep. She fought it for a year, while maintaining secret contact with him at lunchtimes, then caved in and it was my W who took the initiative, and it got physical for 9 months: only lunchtimes, never the evening, never during the holidays, never at weekends. No wonder I never saw it.<BR>She allowed him to make a monkey out of me, they both did, for months on end.<BR>I thought I was doing OK and looking at this forum somedays just makes me feel terrible.<BR>I'm stopping here.

Hi Steve,<BR>Sorry about your prob;ems...believe me, I can relate. My W told me that her boyfriend before me was the only person that she was madly passionately in love with. She nevr thought that anyone would ever make her feel like that again...so she tells me that she "settled" when she married me. Now the OM has awakened those feelings and she now knows that they are possib;e. THerefore she has concluded that she is not in love with me and must end our relationship. What do you suppose her definition of love is?<P>I'm guessing right now it is probably that feeling that high school kids get when they think that they are in love! I am wondering if she will ever get the true meaning of love.<P>I hate to be vindictive, but I really hope that this blows up in her face and that she gets to experience, first hand what it is like to feel this much pain...only then will she really be able to understand the scope of the devastation that she and her boytoy are causing.<P>She is in so much denial right now that she doesn't consider the fact that she tells me she is in love with someone else as being an affair. Giving her heart to someone else is ok I guess as long as she starts divoorce proceedings and moves out. It is alright to chase after another womans husband and break up his family...that's his problem.<P>How can normally sane people become so ignorant that they can't see that this is wrong, and that everyone who used to be important to them thinks it is wrong. <P>Instead of helping, this councilor is fueling the fire and the taker in her is sucking this up like there is no tomorrow. <P>She has a master plan that the two of them will be together and that she really needs to date a couple of people before this can happen. Kind of like going through the motions to justify the outcome. Pleeeeaaaaaasssssssseeeeee, give me a break. Go with the guy if you have to and see if it is all it's cracked up to be, but don't convince yourself that dating 2-3 people before hand is the answer.<P>ANyway, enough venting for now...<P>Mike