Steve's advice regarding my wife's denial and lies was to not confront her, and to just Plan A, and be there when reality hits. Here is the situation tonight, and I'm tempted again to do some mischief.<P>I found out OMs birthday is tomorrow. I expected to get a big lie tomorrow, because wife should pick daughter up at 8:15 AM. Bingo, calls tonight with a big story about a doctors appointment and I'd have to stay home till about 10 AM. I came up with alternate plan, and said she can come here at 7:30 AM, I go to work, then she drop off daughter at my work for half hour. Then she said, things changed, may have to meet a client tomorrow morning. There is lots more, but I'll get to the point. My conclusion, was that she is having a romantic night with OM at a hotel, and wants to complete it with nice breakfast tomorrow, hence ditch daughter for a couple of hours. That is what highly annoys me.<P>I can ignore all the lies, but when she's trying to get me to take time off work and ditching our daughter, I get upset. I just want an opinion here knowing Steve said leave it alone.<P>I called 5 hotels, and the fifth one said "she hasn't checked in yet". I take that to mean she has a reservation. Could be wrong. I'm thinking of calling her there later tonight, and telling her to get her butt to my driveway for 8:15AM.<P>What sold me on the hotel idea was her boss called and told me if she was anyone else he'd fire her, because she lied to get off work for this evening, and he figured it out on his own.<P>What do you think? Do I go by Steve's advice? I know some think I should be honest and open, others say just wait for the fantasy to crack. Just curious on this particular event, because I could stir the pot.

Rick,<P>I would call her and tell her "you don't appreciate being used and having to take time off for her to play with OM. Oh! by the way I found out because you boss called and told you that..."<P>I think that she risks losing her job and she is risking you losing your job. So I would call her at the hotel and simple tell something like I mentioned. No anger, no long discussion, but give her a time to pick up D as you planned and hang up.<P>You are doing her a favor Rick. When the boss gets into the act, this becomes more than you snooping or trying to get even.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I agree with JL. I think she needs to know that her boss has figured out what's going on and called you about it. That could put a crack in her fantasy, that's for sure.<P>I would simply call the hotel, state to her that you cannot take more time off of work, and that she needs to be at your house at the agreed upon time to pick up your daughter. You also may want to mention that her boss called you and that she is skating on thin ice at her job as well. <P>Rick, you are doing a great job. I can't believe how the WS's lie and think we can't see right through them. Amazing!

Thanks for the quick replies. The only problem with telling her about the boss calling, is he is my friend, and it makes this a touchy situation. Really, what he experiences with her at work should be completely separate from our problems, but unfortunately he knows more because he lives three doors down from me, and is one of my better friends. I rather not bring him into it. But I can certainly call her.<P>As I've said before, what prevents me the most from doing these things is if she got nasty, a court would award her more money than what she asked for, and I'd have to sell the house quickly, thus messing the children up more. So I accept crap and let it ride.<P>This one is quite tempting though....would put a damper on the festivities wouldn't it. Hopefully the hotels comment meant that she did have a reservation. Time will tell.

You are allowing her to play you for a sap. You are allowing yourself to be used as she plays out her affair. You are both being dishonest with each other and pretending. I cannot see this approach saving your marriage. I would recommend confronting her in a very calm manner and informing her that you are aware of her affair and that if she is intend on continuing this EMR than it is telling you that she is no longer interested in being married and that you will begin divorce proceedings. What you will be doing at this point is telling her that you will not force her to stay in a marriage in which she does not want. As Dr.J.Dobson mentions in his book "LOve must be tough" you never forced your wife to marry you and you should not have to force your wife to stay married to you. Bringing the whole affair out in the open will force your wife to think about the consequences of what she is doing. She will have to come to the other realization that her husband is ready to move on without her. This takes away her backup plans in case the affair with OM fails. It allows you to get back the control over this whole situation by not allowing your wife to play mind games with you.<p>[This message has been edited by max (edited February 06, 2001).]

Rick-<BR>I agree with the suggestion that you call the hotel and simply tell her that you can't take any more time off work and she needs to be there to pick up your daughter. However, I hate to disagree with Steve.<P>I'd like to share something else with you. As you may remember, I knew about my H's A for several months before he admitted it. I had hired a private detective and knew it would be a huge LB for him to know this. I had been attempting to eliminate LB and Plan A for quite some time. Anyway, he finally admitted the A. We were already separated at the time. It was not until after this discussion that he even noticed the changes I had been trying to make. <P>I assume that you want to rebuild your marriage despite the A. I don't know how common my situation is, but I know that my Plan A efforts were not noticed until the A was acknowledged. If this is a way to let your W know that you know, I would use it.<P>Let us know what you decide to do. <BR>

I don't agree with any of the posters.<P>Plan A, plan A plan A.<P>It is UNFORTUNATE that you know what is going on, and sometimes knowing so much makes it harder to stick to plan A, so my advice is not to get obsessed with finding out everything, and instead find ways to interact in positive ways with your wife.<P>So, tell your wife that you do not want to miss work tomorrow morning - do not go into what you know - explain that she will need to make alternate arrangements - offer to take child a different morning - do whatever you can to AVOID any confrontation or lovebusters.<P>(Pre-disclosure) Plan A. Plan A. Plan A. <P>Justice is not what you want right now, you want your marrige back, right? <P>It is really hard when you know for sure how you are being lied to and mistreated - but this is not about justice. NOT ABOUT JUSTICE. <P>This is about doing what you gotta do to get to the desired result - having your marrige restored.<P>Plan A "aint for wimps!" (I barrowed that from NSR...)<P>Good luck, let us know how you fared. <P>P.S. If you already blew it, it is okay - you can start another resolve to plan A tomorrow. <P>TNT

<BR>There was a poster over on EN that alleged that we are a bunch of brainwashed ninnies, following the MB "cult", as he put it. I'd say that this thread proves we are not members of a cult. If MB were a cult, we'd do what they tell us.<P>I know exactly how hard it is to not trip up a WS in her lies, because I've given in to the temptation many times. Rick, I did what you are wanting to do, and I'm getting a divorce shoved down my throat. Don't do what I did, do it the right way. There's a good reason for paying to get Steve's advice. Now that you paid for it, follow it.<P>Sometimes I'm sure that my purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Here ya go...this is your warning. I'd highly recommend that you keep this info to yourself.<BR>

So Rick what did you do?

Rick -<P>Nothing to say, really. I just feel really bad for your children. Right now, your children are too young to really understand what is going on, but years from now, and I can only speculate, but . . .oh, what's the use.<P>As a person who is trying to have children, and haven't been blessed, yet, I just think it's a shame that your wife seems to be taking little interest in their lives. I think I would be firm with her about the days she has the kids - that she has to make her own arrangements - that if you are available fine (because you love your kids and you love being with them). You can't force anyone to be a good wife, but you can help them to live up to their obligations.<P>I just feel really bad for your kids, you too, but. . .anyway, just rambling.

Things did not progress as I had speculated. I called the hotel that said "she isn't checked in yet", and she actually wasn't there. I called another that she likes (we got married there) and they said there was a reservation under her first initial and last name (maiden), but she cancelled it. Comparing notes with her boss (my friend), she was scheming something, but it did not materialize. I got a call from her that woke me up (around 12:30 AM), and she said she would be by at the regular time to pick up our daughter. She ended up being late by about 20 minutes, but she did show up.<P>So I don't know what was up her sleeve, but whatever it was, got changed. Thanks for all the advice.<P>My son said yesterday that he didn't ever want to go to Mommys again. I said that they would be there Wed. and Thurs. night, and he said, well, I only want to go for one night. I think when they are there, they do fine, but after being with me for awhile, they don't want to go.<P>My wife muttered this week that "the kids hate seeing me", because on the phone they both told her they don't want to go to her house. Welcome to reality. Unfortunately, has no impact yet.<P>This week she is being even tempered (not nasty, not cheery, just average), but not too bad considering the "confronting" LB last week.<P>Did I already tell you all that she would not enter my bedroom to watch the kids have a bath, because she said it was "inappropriate"? Also, when she arrived one morning to take the kids, I came out of my room with a towel around me after having a shower. She said "eeewwwwww, put something on, that is not appropriate". Didn't even occur to me, considering we slept together right up until she moved out, and I didn't cover anything up, neither did she. At least it keeps me entertained in a weird way.

Sorry about the towel incident, Rick. I'll admit women are strange creatures. <BR>I still have the ability to baffle my H after 11 years of marriage and several children. <P>cleo

,<P> <P>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 07, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 07, 2001).]