THIS IS LONG, BUT PLEEEAASEE BEAR WITH ME AND MY CONFUSED HEAD. THANKS IN ADVANCE.<P>My H as not been in contact with OW for 3 months. This past weekend he moved out and plans on staying with a friend for several months. While he was packing I asked him what he was trying to accomplish and he stated several things:<P>1. That our house in not conducive to recovery because of my negative attitude and an "outburst" I had in counseling.<BR>2. Because he can't even focus on himself, let alone give me what I need.<P>I cried a lot (not in front of him) and woke up the next day determined not to let him get to me. I have 2 kids and want them to see me strong. I also want him to see that I can be just fine without him as he thinks that my life is too dependent upon him. I think he may think I am too needy because I have been emotionally neglected for so long and he has no clue how to be supportive to me.<P>He called today to see how I was doing. I said "fine, under the circumstances" and he asked "you don't think this will do any good, do you?" I told him that I did not understand what simply being away would accomplish. He feels we need space to work on having positive experiences together. He also says he is not mourning OW. He has asked me on a date on Sat.<P>I don't understand why he can be so kind and give me some of what I need when he's away, but not when he's here. In response to his reasons above:<P>1. I have been simply trying to be non-combative. I am not over the A yet and simply think it is better not to say anything at all, so I am silent alot, but have not attacked him like I did initially. I have also tried to be proactively nice (planned a date, call to see how he is), but have been shafted a couple of times. He does not ever check in on me, tell me he loves me, express any sorrow for the pain he's caused, or otherwise proactively try to make things better in our marriage. Of course, he thinks he has.<P>The "outburst" occured when the counselor asked how things were and he said he thought they were going OK. I on the flip side have been feeling so lonely and emotionally deprived (I basically have been missing out on the good stuff for a year and a half) and I feel that he thinks things will passively get better and I stated all of this to the counselor. I do not feel like things are "going OK" at all. By the way, the counselor thinks I was completely calm and justified in my feelings. I was just firm. I am tired of feeling like everything is my fault and that I am the only one who needs to change past behaviors. When do I get mine??<P>2. This actually makes more sense, and had he left it at that, I would understand his need for "peace" but with the previous statement, I just felt attacked. I also, however, don't believe he is done mourning as he says he is. I have found poems to her about how foolish their promises were and how they could never be friends as long as she is with her husband. When confronted about that last statement, I asked what diff. it made if she were with her H or not because her H doesn't know. I suggested that maybe he couldn't be fiends because he'd want to be too close. He got mad at me. AM I WAY OFF HERE? I think he's still mourning. No poems yet about how sorry he is or how he loves me!!<P>Basically, does anyone see any good coming out of this? I am so lonely (for that love only a committed relationship can provide) that I have myself thought how nice an affair would be (not that I'll do it) and am mentally preparing myself for a divorce. In order for this relationship to work he will need to contribute to. Unfortunately, I am stubborn in that I won't be walked on anymore and he is stubborn in that he doesn't think that just because he betrayed me that he "owes" me anything.<P>Just venting, but any thoughts would be welcome. I just feel like this is stupid and hopeless.

What you are feeling is NOT STUPID! However, allowing those feelings to determine how you proceed in this situation will undermine any chance you have for making a new marriage with your husband.<P>There is a book called "Hope for the Separated" by Gary Chapman (yes, I have that one, too) and in it he helps to guide couples toward reconciliation while separated. I think this book might be a good option for you if you are not in any way anti-Christian (Dr. Chapman is a Christian counselor, and, while his books are not at all "preachy" per se, they are definitely Christian oriented.<P>Try doing some work on you - FOR YOU - while your husband is away. There are none of us here who can't do with some self-improvement, even if it is done to boost our own self-image (in which affairs tend to put some serious cracks). I'll bet that your husband is feeling a great deal of guilt and that is what is making him find it difficult to live with you ... especially since you appear to be feeling a great deal of resentment.<P>Let me assure you that you have been given an incredible chance that many of us here have NOT been given - you have a chance to heal and a chance to build a new and wonderful marriage with your husband! I know that it doesn't seem too important to you now, but the chance you have is one that I and others here would give body parts to have... Please Please Please ... don't let it get away from you!<P>Read Dr. Harley's stuff on this site, and in his books. His work proves itself with a very high success rate. What he is telling us is working! Be part of the success story. Read and do... It really does work, and you do NOT lose yourself - you gain yourself back!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Hi,<P>I don't post much any more but I wanted to share my experience with you. You will probably not like what I have to share. Lor told me this same thing seventeen months ago and was right.<P>My h had a long term affair. He moved out in September of 99 claiming that relationship with ow was over and his moving out had nothing to do with her. He said that he thought this move would be best for us to work on things. Well, I truly wanted to believe him but have recently found out that relationship was never over all this time. I suspected but never had proof and wanted to believe we were trying even while he was out of the house.<P>As for the experience, it has not been good for our children at all but maybe in some ways good for me. The daily tension doesn't have to be faced every night and while it still hurts that he is gone, some nights it is a relief that he is not here. Don't get me wrong, I still want to try and make my marriage work but I'm tired of being the only one making any effort.<P>Just my two cents.<P>Hoping

I cannot believe this. You are practically in the same boat as I am. I jumped in this boat yesterday when my H finally moved out.<P>The difference is that his A is not over, in 6 months of heavy plan A, he could not move in the direction of our marriage. He is so confused, and he just could not take even one step towards ending it with the ow, or even calling her less.<P>He resorted to lying to me. Every time he went out of town to chicago, he would meet her there. His cell phone bills prove it, even though he will not admit it. <P>But after this last trip 2 weeks ago, I slipped back into a deep depression. I could not even function as a mother while he was away. I made my decision right then and there. The cause of my pain and unrest had to go. If he could not come to a decision, he could just do it elsewhere. <P>The daily indifference, no love, no touching, no gentle words, not even a friendship exists between us now. And sleeping with him night after night and having him sleep as far away as he can in the bed, but naked! Torture to a woman who has not had IT in 21 months! <P>It is very painful to have my hopes dashed day after day, and be victimized by his obsession with the ow! I love him, I told him that if he wanted to return to our home, he had to return as my H. That meant no ow, and not right after the breakup either(I will not be his nursemaid.) I expect him to continue to support me, and babysit for me as he has been doing. At least when he is town. So far he is agreeable to this arrangement. He knows that he will not get out of his groove if he does not leave home. I hope he comes to his senses now. But probably not.<P>That is where I am. Today.

Ok, I'll be the voice of hope in the wilderness! Separation worked very well for my H and I. He moved out about a month after d-day because he couldn't decide if he wanted to stay married, this, even after OW was out of the picture. He had to know for sure if he was meant to be married and staying in the house wasn't helping him to be able to decide. We had the plus of him being in individual counseling and on antidepressants when he left and I'm sure that helped keep the separation to the minimal 2 months that it was.<P>H couldn't stay away from the house. The kids were devistated and refused to go with him for visits. I never forced them. H was crushed that if he actually went forward with divorce, he could see that he would lose his kids,of their own choosing. I plan A'd from afar,was supportive and we all even helped him move his things to where he would be staying. I cried and he held me and told me he "thought" things would be ok but he just needed time. I told him that if he had any contact with OW I was moving on with my life and went about building up myself and my crushed self esteem. We dated and had fun and fell "in love" all over again.<P>I am glad we separated. I know now that my H will not leave us ever again. We have a wonderful marriage now and he's sure this is where he wants to be! Don't despair, go on all the dates you can get,be supportive of his getting his head together as long as that means OW is gone. Time apart CAN be a good thing. All the best to you!