Okay, I've been playing nurse to my 3 kids for 3 weeks now...if I get one more test positive for strep throat or one more bout of flu I'm gonna scream!!!!<BR>Now being in therapy for the past 2 months, and actually with someone I think can help, I have had alot of thoughts and really miss being able to get on the computer...so be prepared this is probally the first of many posts. I usually won't be able to reply until the pm, since the baby is up all day!<BR>He is doing well. Already 3 months, and HUGE!He is the light of my day, smiling and talking, and showing that unconditional love I now know only a child can give.<BR>Anyway, here is something I have wanted to post for a while...I hope that we are allowed to discuss this. I'll try to be brief(Yeah, right!)...I'm so confused about my feelings toward my H. I know that I'm still very angry, amazed that he has done this, hurt, devastated ect, ect...I am having health issues (which have been ruled out as STDS but began a month after he first slept with her, so I'm still a little skeptical...)which have been making me very frustrated and constantly remind me that he risked our health just for sex.<BR>All that being said, (and please I don't want to discuss the health part, it's just too personal but really plays into how I'm feeling. I only mentioned it because I figured in order to get any helpful replys you all should know the whole picture.)I want to know how I could still need my H as much as I do. I need to feel his arms around me, to snuggle at night, and yes even need him to be with me. We have been intimate a few times, and I must admit the first two times were great while we were together. I just wasn't prepared for how I would feel after, and the fact that I cry after we are intimate everytime. And lately, it doesn't feel right, it feels "odd", and my thoughts afterward, and even during, is "Why did I do that?" and sometimes even she is there with us (in my mind of course!) I used to feel sex was for both of us, but now I almost feel guilty because I feel selfish, I do nothing for him.<BR>When I think of being passionate, I see them passionately kissing...When he reaches over to me at night to snuggle, I close my eyes tight until I get used to having his arm around me, and then I can go to sleep because this is when I feel secure.<BR>I know that there are feelings for him inside me...because I do feel secure in his arms.I just can't get past all the stuff in the way.The reason I say this is because I miss his touch so terribly and sometimes it feels so right. <BR>I'm not usually too open about sex, but it was such a big part of our problems leading up to the affair, and now it is so much worse because of what he did. I hope this isn't too personal but I feel safe discussing it here in the anonymity of the computer screen, and figure since you guys are going thru the same feelings....<BR>Anyway, so much for keeping it short!

Just wanted to bring this back up to the top. Any comments?

NGU-<P>I do not come here as mush either. But I think that if sex is good for you, and he is still offering it, you should have it. Even if it is only for your enjoyment. He really enjoys it, it anyway. Men do. <P>It may not be good for you all the time, but when it feels right, do it. When if feels wrong, just stop and be honest with him. Tell him sorry about misleading him, but the truth is the truth, even if things come up for you right in the middle! Be lucky he wants you. Mine still does not, and is in fact out--I asked him to leave. He moved out this week.<P>Beth

I've been where you are, believe me. I don't know how far off you are from D-Day, but this was one of my first stages afterward. I would cry while making love (simply because at the time I felt that it wasn't this special act between the two of us, it was something that he could do with anybody that sparked his interest), which ruined it for both of us. After that (and PLEASE don't fall into this vicious cycle that I did), I basically used him for sex, almost like he was a male prostitute. And I would belittle him afterward, so that he would feel the same hurt and worthlessness that I was feeling as a result of his affair. We would fight, and I would say things like, "Fine, go waste 15 seconds of some other woman's time instead of mine," etc. I was too scared to show him love, and I was (and still am, although not like before) petrified of trusting him.<P>The philosophy with many BS is that if you keep your partner at arm's length emotionally, they can't hurt you again. It's a natural reaction, but it can hinder your recovery. My H and I are doing pretty well in recovery, but he still is reluctant to make love because of the belittling comments I made post D-Day.<P>You still love him, I'm sure, but fear of being hurt again has numbed what you feel. The best advice I can give is for you to try and open your heart to him if he is making an effort to regain your trust. Best of luck, and congrats on that baby!

~Not Giving Up~<P>The sex act is a trigger..... sorry, it is. I remember exactly what you're feeling. "She" was there with "us" for awhile too ..... eeeeek!<P>Time will do wonders, it won't always be this difficult. There may ~*never*~ be a time when the thought doesn't cross your mind a tinsey-tiny bit.... but , your ability to dismiss the thought as if it were a fly on your arm bothering you.... that will come with time. You'll be able to "swat away" those pesky thoughts after awhile.... but it takes time.<P>Meanwhile, YOU are NOT crazy! This is part of the damage done by an affair. Communicate this to your husband ..... DO NOT keep these feelings bottled up.... if you do not express yourself, you will become bitter and angry instead of more intimate.<P>He needs to know how much you love him. <BR>He needs to know how much you want to be sexual with him.<BR>He needs to know what your difficulties are (say it in a way like this:" I am so happy to be in your arms, but I feel reminded of being forgotten by you. Help me feel pretty. Tell me often how much you desire me. Call me BY MY NAME while making love...... don't call me 'sweetie' or 'baby' ..... call me by my name _______.)<P>Do you talk openly with each other about these things? It won't get better unless it's on the table for both of you to work on as a team.<P>Are you wondering if he's thinking about "her" during sex? (I sure did) If you are having this problem, SHARE this with him, and, ask him for his help.<P>Work together........... don't stuff it down.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*