I'm new here, though I've read as much as I can from the MB website, read SAA, lurked on this forum for a couple of weeks, and I'm getting counselling from Steve Harley. My H even showed up for 2 out of 4 counselling sessions. I posted my story on the Plan A/Plan B forum recently because Steve H told me I should probably start Plan B even though I've only been Plan A'ing a month or so, but I have serious reservations about taking that step right now. <P>Briefly, my 48 y.o. H moved in with the 21 y.o. OW, a former employee of ours, very suddenly about 2 months ago after verbally abusing me for 4 months about never loving him as much as an old boyfriend. He decided this from reading my old journals. Steve H said this story is just a "symptom." I suspect there are drugs involved as H was a recovering addict/alcoholic with almost 10 yrs. sobriety who has now "renounced that label" & admits to drinking "moderately," and smoking pot. I have not seen H for a week, he's avoiding me and told a mutual friend that our relationship is over and he has only been "using" me for our whole 19 yr. relationship. Funny thing is, last wk. and the wk. before, he was over here almost every day, telling me he loves me, how much he enjoys just spending time with me,, and how things with OW are not as rosy as they once seemed. <P>One question I have is about his flip-flopping from a seemingly crazed teenager, hiding out from the world (including not answering his pager) with the OW, her 3 y.o. D, her 19 yr old BIL (who is hiding out from the police after violating his probation), and lately, even her H (!), acting irresponsible, lying, never coming into work, having no contact with the kids or his parents, bought himself a used Porsche and tons of new clothes, talking about having to live by his emotions, and acting moody, sometimes pressured and irritable, sometimes depressed, vs. the 2 wks. he spent mostly with me (tho' still going home to OW at night!) when he seemed to be returning to his old self, spent more time at work, at least talked to the kids in passing when he was here, didn't seem high, told me he loved me and had begun talking about easing out of relationship with OW.<P>Is this just "fog" or does it sound like substance abuse? I feel crushed when he says he loves me and goes home to OW and I feel even more crushed when he avoids me and says he never loved me anyway and our relationship is over. Maybe this is why Steve Harley wants me to go to Plan B (?). Most people here sound like they're coping with the situation, but I'm barely coping. I barely sleep or eat, drag myself to work, and only occasionally cook dinner or spend time with the kids. Every day I have to face our other employees who know my situation and know OW - she was not well liked, she's physically unattractive, lazy, and has a snotty attitude (today, she and her H and D drove thru McDonald's drive-thru where my D works and began laughing at her - D was furious and hurt since A has destroyed our family). I want to have hope but this is just so incredibly painful! <P>And what should I do re: Plan A or Plan B? I know it's my decision, but any advice would be appreciated. I don't know if Plan A is just allowing him to "have his cake & eat it too" while increasing my despair when hope builds up and then plummets, or if Plan B would just alienate him further.

I'd vote for Plan B.

LetSTry<BR> I have posted to you before remember me?<BR>I think we have similar situations. So I can totally relate to your problems.<P>For what's its worth, I really believe your H is going through a Mid-life crisis. He is going to come to his senses, I would bet on this. He is doing everything that my H did. <P>My H went out and bought new clothes, lost weight, started talking like a teenager etc. etc.<P>Just keep the faith! He will wake up (come out of the fog) one day and realize that this girl is not really what he wants.<P>As for the Plan A or Plan B, I can only tell you with my situation, when I finally stopped calling my H every day and when I finally (with help of some good counseling) started concentrating on making myself better (I think my H could see this) that's when he came back to me. <P>Something else, I would go to bed every night and cry and pray to God to bring my H back to me. One night I decided instead of praying for something that I might never get, I decided to pray to God to make me better and my prayers were answered.<P>God bless you, I hope this helps <P>BTW, if you haven't done so already, click on the radio button at the top of this page and listen to some of the conversations that Dr. Harley has there. They are very helpfull.<p>[This message has been edited by gwoodle (edited February 08, 2001).]

Letstry -<P>I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have seen a lot of posts from BSs where the situation looks really bad, and Steve still wants them to Plan A. I think he has a reason for suggesting Plan B.<P>Unfortunately, it seems like your H has a problem with addictions - and no doubt the OW plays a role in that. The thing is, Plan B protects your feelings for the WS. I mean, the hope is that they'll be jolted back into reality by the BS "cutting" it off with the WS.<P>Physically, emotionally - your H's actions are probably taking a toll on you and your family. And, maybe that's why Steve is recommending Plan B. You definitely do not want to "enable" your H to continue these actions (drugs, alcohol, affection/sex), so maybe Plan B would be a good way to go. Verbal abuse, to me, is just as bad as physical abuse, too. So, you need to protect yourself and your family.<P>I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know this is a difficult situation.<p>[This message has been edited by SKM (edited February 08, 2001).]

gwoodle --<BR>Thanks again, your H does sound a lot like mine. I haven't been pursuing him, I've just been making myself available whenever he wanted to be with me, but that sometimes meant dropping other plans and obligations. I'm feeling a little better about going to Plan B because I'm actually hurting a little less this morning after almost a week of not seeing him. It's hard to focus on myself when I'm focusing 100% on him. I generally pray for God's will for all of us involved when I find myself getting caught up in pleading prayers, you know "let go and let God." Thanks for the suggestion about the radio button, I didn't know that.<P>Kam--<BR>Thanks for the vote of confidence in Plan B. I've just read so many posts about BSs doing Plan A for months, even years, and saying they would never go to Plan B because they believe it would end their relationship with WS. I know every situation is different, but that scares me.<P>SKM--<BR>Thanks for your advice and your prayers.