I was driving home the other day and though about this...If I were single and just met my H after he had an affair, fathered a child, and got divorced due to the A and its consequences, and he was open and honest enough with me to tell me of his past, would I pursue the relationship? Or would I not approach it any further and assume that he is not a good candidate for a meaningful relationship?<BR>My answer would be that I would accept his past and take the chance.<BR>Why is it so hard then, to feel comfortable about my decision to work it out?(I do want to try although there are days I have my doubts that I can get past all of it.) Probaly fear of being vulnerable to him again. My sister says that because it was done to me and is personal. It just amazes me that I could accept this behavior as just being in the past with a complete stranger more comfortably than with the man I have spent the past 10 years with. Just a thought...<BR>

When I first discovered the affair (pre disclosure) I often wondered the same type of thoughts. Mine went something like.. If I was single and dating would I care who my date had been dating the week before or would I only care that they were dating me then? I pondered this for several weeks and used it to rationalize the pursuit of my unfaithful wife. <P>That line of thinking wasn't really working all that well and then I read an article about affairs that compared betrayed spouses to tornado survival victims. That they both seem to recall the events in detail over and over again. This is due to the extreme trauma that the events cause the "victim". Some kind of a posttraumatic stress disorder.<P>I think the real problem and/or question lies in how the WS treats you upon their "return" to the marriage. In many cases they return a very different from the person you expected or knew before. So I then changed my viewpoint to look at my WS spouse with the following question. If I were single would I date someone who treated me this way. I would guess that in most cases the answer is a resounding no. <P>I also believe this is why many non-mb couples divorce immediately and re-marry later. It lets the BS maintain healthy boundaries and if the WS chooses to resume a relationship, they do so in a much different mindset than just coming home. In the posts found here we can read about the horrible behavior that BS will endure if a WS comes home. Mostly we seem to endure these autarchies to our self-esteem because we think we're winning some kind of a game and allow the WS to violate healthy relationship boundaries. Rekindling a relationship after a divorce would require both parties to not only be givers and taker, they also have the knowledge that inappropriate behavior does not need to be tolerated beyond the end of a date. Somewhat changes the whole scope or moves the game to a new playing field.<P>I've done the MB thing for a quite a while and feel that it is an excellent approach to adultery. Unfortunately there is not a one size fits all for this situation. Some people when consumed with self-centered views and presented with the MB principles only see their spouse as a needy pushover. Someone on the board once wrote "it only cost $25 to get married again" <P>Don’t get me wrong, I would love to date my wife again. She's here and professes to be working on our marriage but at the same time she's gone. The person she acts like today would not make past a short dinner date if we were dating. The same is probably true for me. I'm sure she would not date anyone who displayed the hurt puppy with the tail between the legs thing either.<P>Oh well….sorry for the long ramble….couldn’t sleep<P>Mike<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 08, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 08, 2001).]

Here's another thought. If it would be possible for you to forgive him if he did this <B>to</B> someone else, learning a terrible lesson from it, maybe the the reason it is so hard to take the chance with him again is because it feels like he did this <B>to</B> you. You probably know at an intellectual level that you H did not do this intentionally to hurt you. But the effect was of course to hurt you more than either of you could have imagined. At a gut level, it is hard for a BS to truly accept that a WS doesn't have an affair to hurt the BS. I would imagine that this is so very hard to believe because a WS should KNOW what is going to happen, should KNOW that the faithful spouse will get hurt...etc.. The problem is the denial/fog is so deep that a WS often can't think about that, and truly wants to believe, against all logic, that somehow no one will get hurt. <P>Just a thought.