According to our separation agreement, the kids and I are going to move out of the house by the beginning of summer, and my H is going to handle preparing the house for sale. A few days ago he emailed me and said that he wanted to arrange for some contractors to come in soon to give him estimates on fix-up. I don't have a problem with this.<P>I was home from work today with a sick child. Who should call but my H. He said that he and a contractor were coming in a few minutes. He was surprised that I was there, but would I like to put our child in the car and go somewhere while he was there. He claimed he couldn't understand why I was upset about the no notice. I said that I wanted to stay - he said ok, but the OW was with him. Then he acted shocked when I told him that I did not want her in my house as long as I was living there. The OW stayed in the car. <P>Even a landlord has to give you 24 hours notice in this state to enter your property. What the H*** does he think he is doing? The separation agreement is signed, the divorce is final. I have legal possession of this house until the moving date. I thought I'd made it perfectly clear in the past that I wanted to be there if he wanted to retrieve any personal items before I move out (most of his stuff is still here, two years after he moved out, although the separation agreement says that our stuff has been separated). <P>

Nellie,<P> It bites, but the house is still partly his too and you are divorced. As insensitive as it is, he can now do whatever he likes as long as it does not violate the verbiage of the divorce agreement. With his lack regards for your feelings maybe getting the place fixed up and sold quickly is to your benefit. Then you can both focus what relationship you have left on your children's well being. Sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there its going to get better.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 08, 2001).]

Hi Infidelity,<P>He can not "do whatever he wants." According to the terms of the separation agreement, I have possession of the house. In this state, even landlords are not allowed to come in without proper notice and good reason, except in emergencies.

Nellie1,<P>I am not a lawyer so please remember that...but you stated you had legal posession of the house. I guess you are making all the payments and the like. Not sure why you have to move out by summer? Either way I think he would have to give you notice since you own the house now. Divorce is final make it clear to him what the ground rules are.

Pahakissa,<P>Yes, the documents state that I have possession of the house until the move-out date. I am responsible for making the house payments until then. We agreed, as part of the separation agreement, that the children and I will move out by summer. I actually was the one that suggested that. The separation agreement does not state that he has the right to conduct any repairs, etc., before that time.

I am not an attorney either. Might want to check with yours, but given that info it sounds like you could change the locks without a problem. You set the ground rules. The only problem I could see with locking him out is access to his personal effects.

Hi Infidelity,<P>Well, he signed a separation agreement that stated that he had already removed any personal effects (knowing of course that he could trust me to keep them safe until he really took them) so I don't think he would have a leg to stand on there. I have even offered to put them all in the garage so he could take them easily, and he said he would just take them at some later date.

Nellie,<P>I think that you should change the locks. Your H doesn't have the right to go in & out of your house, whenever he damn well pleases! He doesn't even live there! A landlord can't even do that, unless it is an emergency, or if he gives notice.<P>Your H's antics really piss me off. It really annoys me that he had intentions of bringing OW into your house also. What nerve!<P>I can't even believe that he has the audacity to ask you to leave with your sick child, while he has contractors come in. It really tells me how screwed up his mind really is!<P>As far as getting his personal effects, he should have gotten them out of the house long ago. After all, he isn't living in the house anymore. If he wants them, let him make an appointment to retreive them. He can pick them up, while YOU ARE PRESENT.<P>Check with your lawyer first regarding changing the locks. I don't think that there would be a problem with it.

I couldn't believe he did that either. <P>When I told him our child was sick, he asked how sick she was. Stupid me, I initially thought he was asking because he was concerned - but no, he was just wondering if she was too sick to take out. When he and the contractor walked in, the contractor greeted my child, and inquired after her health, and said goodbye when they left. I don't think my H even spoke to our child. I will never understand that - he responds when the kids greet him first, which they often do, but he rarely makes the first move. It is like he is completely unaware of normal social or familial behavior. I don't think he ever excelled in this area, but it was never anywhere near this bad before he left.

Nellie,<P>Your H is a jerk. I'm sorry to say this, but he is. He treats his children as if they are strangers or a nuisance to his lifestyle. He is a poor excuse for a father!<P>I wish something would wake him up so that he could see, plain and clear just how much of a LOSER and DISAPPOINTMENT he has turned out to be.<P>Nellie...please don't be discouraged. You are doing a fine job, providing and caring for your children, all by yourself. Your children WILL remember who was there for them, and who wasn't.<P>

Go ahead and change those locks. You are a single mom with multiple children and it is not convenient for you to have contractors in and out of the house or to live in the midst of construction. Let x know that he can have the repairs made after you leave the house.<P>Be prepared for him to blow a gasket, though. Mine did. But he got over it.

He wasn't being honest about why you should take a sick child out of the house.... He wanted you out of there so OW could be "included"... SHE IS A VULTURE!!! <P>So, I would write him a letter or communicate with him at the next available opportunity about how "Cooperative people build trust by incorporating honesty into communication." If he wants cooperation, he must be honest. (Heck this guy has to start somewhere, he is so far gone into la la OW land.)<P>The next thing I would do is to change the locks, and then send a FORMAL letter, certified with a return receipt to your husband reciting the terms of the agreement, and laying out YOUR terms of "fix up cooperation"....a) 24 hour notice, b) no unaffiliated parties tagging along, c) consideration of a reschedule if you have a sick child. <P>Unbelievable. wonders never cease. If he does not honor your request, I would slap a restraining order on both of them. HOW RUDE.

Nellie,<P>I'll use the standard disclaimer, too - I'm no lawyer - but I agree with the others on all points. Change the locks, tell him you need 3 days notice - 24 hours is NOT enough when you have to change your life around to accommodate people coming into your home. <BR>And it is YOUR home, not his, until you move. To be honest, I'm not sure you even owe him any cooperation since he has his head ... well, I won't go there. Asking you to take a sick child out of the house for his convenience is the height of insensitivity, and it is CRUEL.<P> Makes me so mad! <P><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Nellie,<P> This is Beth,just checking in on you.I am sorry your H is still being a jerk.<P> Love and Prayers,beth

Survivor,<P>Thanks for your support. Just when I think he couldn't get any worse, he does. <P>cinderella,<P>This morning he sent me an email demanding "free access" to the house, or he would not handle the sale. According to the separation agreement, he does not have the option of not handling the sale.<P>tnt,<P>I left a message for my lawyer this morning. <P>I don't know if he is capable of honesty anymore, about anything. <P>I can't imagine why the OW would even want to come into the house that is full of signs of his and my life together. "Vulture" seems like an appropriate term. <P>terri,<P>I can not even comprehend how he could expect me to agree to have him come into my house (especially with the OW) when I was not home. I don't even feel safe in my own home anymore. <P>Beth,<P>Thanks for your support. Today should have been my 21st wedding anniversary.

Nellie,<BR>I'm so sorry, I third the option of the 2 X 4, not only for his head & shoulders, but a couple cyber hits to the knees & shins for the kid.<P>I was sitting here thinking what if you had called him and said, "pick up your stuff in the next 3 hours or it is all going to the dump"? I bet he'd think that was unreasonable , but yet what he did is pretty much the same. "Disrupt your life, right now because I am here." Contractors rarely do things immediately, your H more than likely could have given you notice, if not days before, certainly hours.<P>I hope your lawyer has good news for you.<P>Lor

Sweetpea,<P>Yes, it does feel like my home is being violated. I feel like I am not safe in my own home anymore. <P>Lor,<P>I am sure he would think that unreasonable. I get to be responsible for the house payment, emergency repairs, etc., but he wants to be able to come in anytime he wants.

Nellie,<P>Who cares what your H thinks? He certainly doesn't care about anyone else, except himself.<P>Do what you need to do to create a better environment for yourself & your children. Don't waste energy on worrying about what H will be offended by, or whatever he thinks is unreasonable.<P>Stay strong and DO NOT let him take advantage of you!

Hi Nellie,<P>I think boundries are in order. The needed repairs on the house can wait till you move out. I would honestly pack up all his crap and give him a time to pick it up or it goes to good will. Good tax right off for you. He signed a document stating he already had his personal effects so legally he can do nothing.<P>Not sure why you would want to get rid of your house. But maybe it is for the best. Make sure though since you are paying the morgage now you do not split the sale price in half. You should recieve more but you already have a setlement in place.<P>You are divorced and I know this sounds harsh but he made his bed and he can deal with the outcome. He has no right ordering you around anymore. He deals with you now when it is best for you...not him. He is not working so it is not like he has a busy schedual to work around.

Survivor,<P>I am not worried about what he thinks - but I do worry about what he will do - especially when it is so unpredictable. The times the OW has been in the car when he came to pick up the kids she always stayed in the car, whether or not I was home. It had never crossed my mind that he would show up with only a few minutes warning, and I have no clue why the OW would even want to come in the house, much less why he would let her. <P>Pahakissa,<P>I don't care if he leaves his stuff till we move or not - some of it I couldn't possibly be so heartless as to discard, like things that were his grandmother's and his mother's - not for his sake alone, but in memory of them. Yes, I am going to receive more of the proceeds of the sale than he. I want to sell the house because I can't afford the mortgage, and I because I hate it - it has no good memories, only many negative ones, and not just because of him. <P>