Hello All, I'm new and I just found this support group yesterday. Looks really good and I'm hoping you all could help me. I'll try to be as brief as possible but feel my initial outcry will be lengthy, I appologise in advance. Here's my story. <P>I'm 32, married 6 years, have a fantastic 4 year old son, and a good career. The marriage has not worked. We had problems from our dateing days, engagement, and throughout our marriage. My wife was on the rebound when I met her and I went through that typical stuff. She cried for her X boyfriend a year into our dateing. She was my first real girlfriend and I was comming off losing 50 lbs. so I locked onto her and would not let go. I thought my love for her would conquer all. After being the one who gave and gave in the relationship my tank started to run low. She only saw me on Friday or Saturday night's when we were dateing, I wanted more time so I popped the question and she said yes. Still only saw her Friday or Saturday night. Unfortunately her Dad passed away before we were engaged and she pretty much demanded we buy the house she grew up in which I gave into and bought it from her Mom while we were still engaged. I wanted and know we needed our OWN place which we never got. We needed to build our own memories. Our home has always been her Parents home with all the emotions and history. Our Sex life (other than kissing and touching) was non existent before marriage (not because of me) and afterwards was not often nor was it ever intiated by her. In fact we went through a period in the first years when she would actually physically pull away from me. She is VERY close to her Mom, TOO CLOSE. She does whatever her Mom wants and has admitted her actions are always done with the forsite of the impact to her Mom. Her Mom is very domineering and plays guilt trips on her about being lonely, etc. Bottom line her Mom has butted in way to much and controls my wife and this us. <P>When we got married her Mom actually wrote in the congratulation card to my wife "Please don't ever forget about me". How's that for a guilt trip. My wife is VERY quiet and when in the company of her Mom she says basically nothing. Her Mom speaks for her. One of my wife's brothers is the same way as my wife. <P>Till this day my wife will NOT address my parents. Won't call them Mom or Day or anything, not even their first names. I have asked many times for her to call them something but nothing ever happends. I came from a very warm family which is very different from my wife's. Throughout our marriage and even before I would tell my wife what I wanted, what I was missing, but nothing ever changed. I kept giving and giving and it was not being recipriated. <P>Basically after feeling so unloved and empty I ended up falling in love with someone I work with, also married with a small child. This occured over 4 years ago. We were good friends for a year first but then it became obvious there was more between us. This other woman and I actually paniced at first and were very upset, we did not plan for this to happen. We both tried to remain friends and to make our marriages work. I went to counseling by myself and then marriage counseling. My wife and I would identify our things to work on but things did not change, it's hard if not impossible to change a person. Although this other woman and I were open about our feelings to one another we tried to remain friends. We became physical. The guilt and pain associated with the whole mess is terrible. This other woman and I have said "goodbye" to each other many many times, sometimes the "goodbye" would last over 6 months. Today we are talking and very much in love but have a lot of pain associated with this mess. If it was not for my precious son I would have left my marriage long ago. I have actually left 3 times, never more than 2 weeks, but I keep comming back for the pain of being away from my son in so strong. I love him so so much as we all love our children. <P>My marriage today is very bad emotionally. My wife IS NOT a bad person. She is a caring loving mother. She is a good person it's just our needs are different. I know longer love her like I did. Our history of me trying and trying and not getting anything in return has impacted me greaty. After counseling and leaving she would be very upset and say she wants what I want and that she wants to do those things for us that I would say I needed. It never changed. I am sorry for being long winded and have a lot more to say but I am severly torn. I feel my love for wanting to be with my Son all the time, being in his life all the time, having him have a Mommy and a Daddy at home all the time, having the picture perfect family is VERY strong. My love for this other woman who also wants to be with me (full time) and who I want to be with as well is also VERY strong and is ripping me apart. I feel so guily, so upset. I obviously wish my marriage was strong and this never happened. <P>I am very depressed. I have become a workaholic, I have gained back much of my weight, can't sleep, can't smile. Over the years I have changed. My Parents know everything, they are VERY supportive. It's great to have such caring parents who I can still talk to even at 32 and know they will always be there for me. I will also always be there for my son. It just feels like if I get a divorce I am divorcing him. I know that is not the case but it feels that way. I feel like I would knowingly and intentially be doing something which hurts him. This crushes me. The other woman is VERY suportive, she honestly loves me in every way. I love her so much. She understands but is also getting beaten up emotionally by this. We have loved each other for over 4 years, over half the time I have been married. Obviously my wife does not know about this other woman. I don't know what to do or how to get out of this. I know my marriage will never have what I need. It will never be happy. I will not have what I always wanted and need from my spouse. All this but the TREMENDOUS love for my son makes me stay. I feel like I must stay for him but I can't control my love and the other needs I have. I'm actually going to see my counselor in 30 minutes. It has not been helping. <P>I realize this is marriage builders and I'm not sure this is the right place for me to find some comfort and talk, I'm just so confused.<P>Thanks for taking the time and any advice, support, is very much appreciated. <P><BR>

D&C,<P>Wow… You're in the right place. Hopefully a poster called NSR or K will break in and give you the standard "new to this forum" greeting. If not search for them on the "just found out board" <P>I assume that the OW is still married. If you need to get divorced then do so without a 3rd party being involved. You'll find that these hardly ever work out once you peel away the entire thrill & excitement of doing something wrong is removed. <P>As you said that your wife was not a bad person, I would think that she deserves the truth. You may not realize it but it is almost impossible for you to recognize your wife's needs let alone meet them while you are in the grips of an affair. So read through this site and the boards and consider what some of the wise folks that have stood in your very shoes have to say.<P>You should also consider that over six year's people change. Failed attempts to reconcile a marriage in the past is not a complete measure of her ability to be a loving wife, especially if she knew what the real stakes are. If your wife knew the truth you might be quite surprised at what her reaction might be. <P>I hope you can find comfort and peace.<P><BR>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 08, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited February 08, 2001).]

welcome to this site, i am recently new myself and i can tell you this is a great place to be in , when you are going through these situations. i am now with a hubby who like your wife, never pays attention to me, he ignores me, says he is not in love with me, and doesnt want any sex with me. he says he is only with me becase of our 5month old baby, and i can honestly tell you that i dont want a man like that. I myself grew up without a father, and i dont miss him and i never blamed them for divorcing, and i think i did ok, however my father was out of the picture after the divorce, but it doesnt have to be that way, you can be in his life forever if you want. i am not saying you should divorce, but i dont want my hubby staying with me for a child. anyways i would advise that you decide if you do want your marriage to work then you will have to break it off for good with OW. You will have to give it your 100 percent. i know its hard, but if this is what you want then rediscover your wife, remember how much you loved her. i know just like you, what if feels to be ignored and pushed away. i myself think about having an affair everyday, but i pray to the lord and take one step at a time and hope that i can be strong enough not too. hang in there. that is just my two cents worth.<BR>aamymail