First, let me scream. AAARRRGGG!!!! OK, now I feel better and can go on.<P>Background – husband’s ongoing affair, now 3 years running, no remorse or apologies, two kids involved, almost no involvement with our newborn from when he left in Sept. 98 until now (she’s 2 ½), and I started the divorce process in August. As bizarre as it seems, my husband does not want a divorce (or to give up the OW). He has yet to prepare disclosure forms required for the divorce within 60 days (now four months past the due date) and ignored my settlement offer from December. His attorney asked for a two week extension which we granted, that date came and went without anything from them (a month ago). So I filed a motion to take this to trial since he won’t negotiate. My husband took his very first visitation with our daughter a week ago, had no bed for her, so he, my son, and daughter all shared his queen bed in his one bedroom apartment. Enough of this part.<P>I started our eight year-old son with a counselor about two months ago. He identified many issues about his visitation with my husband, currently set at every other weekend plus one night during the week. Our son won’t raise the issues, which involve too much time with the OW, with his father because he’s afraid dad will get angry and end the visitation (like the way he walked out of the family). We all agreed it would be best for my husband to come to counseling to work through the issues. I asked him and he agreed.<P>So, they met for the first time on Tuesday. Apparently, a tear-jerker session. My husband sent me an e-mail message this morning suggesting that he would like to have alternating visitation with the children (not at the same time) to address one of my son’s issues (he’s upset that our daughter now goes too) and because he has conflicts with being a soccer coach. He can’t really watch a toddler with his coaching schedule, according to him.<P>I am ENRAGED. I feel like he thinks I should be his baby-sitting service. I routinely use baby sitters in my life with the kids, why can’t he? Shouldn’t he have considered the impact of his coaching schedule on visitation before, or at least asked me about it? And my life with the kids includes laundry, shopping, friends, relatives, bill paying, napping schedules, all the normal aspects of life. Our life is as a family, not as a perpetual entertainment zone. Shouldn’t it be the same over there? When do I get my free nights?<P>Am I off base with this reaction? I’d love to hear some perspectives on this.<BR>

Distressed,<P>Well, you probably know how I feel about the fact that my H refuses to take all 4 kids at once. My kids don't have to worry about whether he will get mad and take them home - he has even told two of them, back when he was still allowing them to visit overnight - that if they felt the need to call me to say goodnight, maybe they shouldn't stay with him. Many months ago when our youngest was having a difficult time while she was there he called me up and said they would be on my doorstep if the youngest didn't start behaving. <P>I really have my doubts that anyone who leaves their children for an OP can possibly be capable of loving them. <p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited February 09, 2001).]

Distressed,<P>I think your husband is making a good-faith suggestion to you. He's completely clueless, of course, but it doesn't appear to be intentional.<P>I'd stick to your guns on this. Let him get a baby sitter if he must (or perhaps he'd have to give up soccer coaching). Don't be "reactive" to his suggestion, but just hold your line, and let him know that he needs to be involved as a real father, not as a 'party-dad'.<P>

I may have a slightly different take on this one.<P>My stbx has made a good show of being a "super-mom" since she left the family in March. Why she couldn't do it before is beyond me.<P>Anyway, there have been several times when her work schedule has conflicted with her scheduled time with the kids. Her solution is to have me take the kids to her boyfriend, who will watch them until she gets home. I have always maintained that this was the wrong answer. I am not going to give up my precious time with my children so her f**kbuddy can play daddy with my kids.<P>I consider any time that I have the children as a gift. Sure, it is tough getting the homework done, baths, dinner, dishes, reading, working two jobs to pay the bills. I have no days off. I am up at 1:30 every morning throwing papers so that my kids have a roof over their heads. I understand the need for some private time. But the kids come first for me. I will get some private time some day.<P>At least your husband is willing to go to counseling with your son. My stbx will not even consider it.<P>Good Luck to you<P>Gramps

D-<BR>I agree with K. (What else is new?) Your H is going to need to learn new behaviors to cope with the realities of your divorce. And this includes how to manage life with kids as a single parent. While you and I are now quite experienced with this - our H's really haven't a clue.<P>I would offer to share your list of sitters the kids know and trust. I think this would be not only a generous gesture, but in your kids best interest. But from there he is really on his own to figure out how to make this new lifestyle work. <P>You did well to vent here instead of to him. All your feelings are legitimate and I share them sometimes. It is especially frustrating because he has been avoiding on all fronts with you for so long. But maybe this counseling will be at the very least an avenue for ending avoidance on how this is impacting the kids. That would be very positive. As K said, I don't think his comment was intentional - he may be beginning to realize some consequences. Now give him the room to see what he does with that realization.<P> And remember, unless we want to dig ourselves deeper into a pit of resentment, we will stop taking these clueless comments personally. I'm working on it! <P>Hugs,<BR>Starpony

This may be an LB, it would be in my situation, but tell him to get a sitter when he is not able to care for the other kids. The point is, furnish him with the names of the sitters YOU trust and use, so he does not settle out of desperation for just anyone that you may not approve. <P>It is in the best interest of the kids, and he might be thankful not to have to find some on his own. Tricky, but I would do it, even if it were a LB.

<BR>Progress is incremental. He's taking his shared parenting time, which is very good for the children. Don't slam him on the idea of split visitation, I seriously doubt he thought through what he was saying. I agree with the others, he needs to take responsibility for this lifestyle (and who knows, maybe this will bring him out of the fog). But it will be a lot easier to give him a list of known babysitters than to ask him to "figure all this out on his own," which would I suspect be seen as antagonistic conduct.<P>Bystander

This is very good feedback. I agree that his comments were not intentionally provocative and he was genuinely trying to address concerns expressed by our son. But without question, HE IS CLUELESS.<P>Here’s my dilemma and I need to keep it straight. I am so frustrated with his non-responsiveness regarding the divorce (and separation/marital issues before that) and his ongoing behavior as a Disneyland Dad to our son, that it’s hard not to carry that frustration and anger into other areas. Unquestionably, it is progress that he now wants to take our daughter for visitation. He is capable of being a loving father and I have some basis for hope that he will begin a loving relationship with our daughter. I have no reason to believe, however, that he will ever start to take responsibility for raising the children nor address his own behavior regarding activities during the visitation (or even prepare for the kids, like having more than a one bedroom apartment with one bed in it). On the positive front, at least the counseling is opening up a venue for my son to express his concerns safely, and the counselor seems to be doing a good job in facilitating that interaction with my husband.<P>I have no optimism that the “fog” will ever clear and have now concluded that it isn’t fog, but ongoing character weakness that has always existed but was less apparent due to my behaviors when we were together. I have no interest in him as a spouse but a high interest in his being a good father. Thanks to all of you for helping me separate these issues in the way I respond to him.<BR>

I agree and have posted on your last point.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I have no optimism that the “fog” will ever clear and have now concluded that it isn’t fog, but ongoing character weakness that has always existed but was less apparent due to my behaviors when we were together. I have no interest in him as a spouse but a high interest in his being a good father. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>With 20/20 hindsight, I can look back and see that things were not so great for a long time before the end. I was willing to carry on for the sake of the children, but as soon as she got what she considered a better offer, she's outta there.<P>I had gotten to the point where I wasn't putting a lot of effort into the marriage. It got to be a chore trying to drag her kicking and screaming into adulthood. So, in that way, it was as much my fault as hers.<P>I can't make her do anything. Never could. I want her to be a good mom for the kids sake, although I doubt she has the capacity.<P>I can only control my own stuff. And have my hands full doing it.