This is my first posting, and I must say first and foremost, hi everyone, I am so glad I found this place!! People who understand, yeeha!! I have been married for 15 years, we have 4 children, and I thought we were doing pretty well ok! Till I found out about ow.<BR>Wow.. I'm amazed at the total hurt a sensless act can cause. Goodbye sanity, self esteem, hapiness.. Hey, I'm having an ok day today, and 3 months ago I never ever thought I'd feel ok again. I find myself obsessed by ow.<BR>Everywhere I go I look for her, I don't even know why, I wouldn't talk to her, or even call her names. Most of my waking thoughts seem to centre on her, and all of my hatred.<BR>Is this because if I put some of the hatred onto my husband I wouldn't be able to look at him? I have been reading thru all the postings, and have yet to find another posting where husband says there is no emotional attachment, just sex. Anyway, just wanted to say hi, and that you guys are so inspiring... most people tell me it's not worth trying to mend a marriage after an affair, and most of my friends/family tell me I'm stupid for trying, so it's nice to find a whole community of people trying.

Welcome <B>name</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You'll need to ignore the ney sayers!<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P><B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

Dear Heartsore,<P> Welcome ,glad you found us.You will be inspired by many people here.One person who has inspired me posts under the name "Lostva."She and her husband are in recovery.<BR> Part of helping myself with the anger towards H and OW is forgiveness.I have had to forgive them,not only once,but over and over again.<P> Looking forward to more of your posts.<BR> Love and Prayers,beth

Heartsore,<BR>My H had multiple A's and none of them were emotional. No feelings for the OW whatsoever. And no H is not a sex addict. If you want to talk about PA's with no EA involved, just let me know. Sorry for your situation but glad you found support here.

mrsbumber: Thank you for answering me, and hello. Yes please, I would love to talk to you about pa's. (had to look that one up on newbies board) My biggest problem is that I truely cannot understand how you can have just a pa how can you not really like that person, how can you just have sex? What is in it for the ow? Just sex, or does she want my h? I am convinced this whole thing that is consuming me, all the heart ache, and wasted time thinking about her, is my problem, not his. But how???? One thing for sure, my reaction when I first found out was that I would fight for him, she wasn't going to have him, but now I wonder if she even wanted him?<BR>Did you have the same problems? How long since your d day? <P> <P><p>[This message has been edited by heartsore (edited February 08, 2001).]

Heartsore,<BR>I have a hard time understanding how they could just screw, too. I never could or did.<BR>As far as "what's in it for the OW?" it depends on the OW. She may want your H or not. Has he said if she had feelings for him? My H broke off the last one when she started saying she cared a lot, and talking about moving in together. On the plus side, H said the sex was empty and not that great because of no emotional attatchment-it didn't mean anything. My H has major issues with childhood neglect and abuse. His dad was a cheater and liar, too. THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE!!!!!!!!! But sometimes we need to look at what we learned and how we learned it to figure out why we do the things we do. The PA's were "safe" for my H because he had no feelings. If he didn't care about them then they couldn't hurt him. This was his way of running and hiding from deep emotion. I'm still foggy on this concept. H said the reason for last PA was that our marriage was going too good and he was afraid. My H is very charming and these women thought he cared for them. The first one did want him. The second wanted someone to support her and her son and take care of her son so she could party, but my H was just looking for a party, too. The third one wanted a husband, period. That one was friends with his father and stepmother and they set them up!!!!! She married someone less than 6 months after my H came home and that husband(her second) is now dying of cancer. The last one just wanted to party and make her live-in boyfriend jealous in hopes of getting an engagement ring.(she didn't know my H was married-thought he was widowed) It really depends on the OW in particular. I'm sure some of them just want sex and it really doesn't matter with who. But I would think those women have serious problems with self-esteem and self-worth.<P>My H has told me that it these were not some "great romance" that I built up in my mind. He listened to them (with half an ear) and they thought he was wonderful because of that. They must've been really attention starved! He loved being their "ideal" or knight in shining armor that always listened and understood. I think it was more about adoration (them adoring him) than sex. (I told ya he had issues!)<P>My major D-day was about 4 months ago. You can see some of my history on aamymails post about finally having sex and on the recovery board under my post about depression/anxiety meds. Warning--it's long history!