Hi guys, thanks for your advice, but i have to get myself to follow it. it is easier said than done. here is recap of my story. i am the one with hubby who says he is not in love with me, doesnt care about me, doesnt have desire to make love or even have sex with me. he says its all do to my unfounded jeolousy, which i admit to, due to my previous failed marriage due to my ex's infidelity. anyways, we had not had sex in about 2 weeks and i was horny as hell, and even thinking about affair to satisfy me. however last night i put on something sexy and my hubby went for it. I could see he was trying really hard to make me feel wanted, but i could just feel that again, it was just a pity f**k. as soon as it was over, he just cleaned up and wanted to sleep. i can still feel how fake he is. i continue lovebusting and today for example, i again accused him of having affair with co=worker only because he was the last guy coming out of the building at work when i went to pick him up. he said that his boss wanted to talk to him about overtime, but i told him, well this is the third time i pick yu up and you are the last one to come out, however there was other couple of guys that came out after. i feel very paranoid, and have become annoying to him, and instead of being happy that he had sex with me, i feel totally sad. i want him to make love to me, but how can he if he isnot in love with me. he again told me is only with me because of our 5month old baby. i told him to find a place and leave or otherwise i will find someone else. he said if that is what i want then bring him divorce papers and he will sign them so i can do whatever i want. i feel bad because he brought up divorce, but i feel i caused it by saying i would find someone else. should i plan a, or just act like i dont care, and see what happens. i feel like its always me looking to him, and he doesnt care and says he is bored with his life. please help me, i thought by having sex it would be ok, but its not, and by the way this is the 2nd time i feel itching down there after having sex with him, i wonder if someone if there is someone , gave him somthing, or maybe its because he hasnt taken a shower in 3days, because i accused him of taking showers for someone else, and now he doesnt take them but every 3*4days. i feel like such a terrible person.please guide me, any opinions i would greatly appreciate.<BR>love ya guys,<BR>aamymail

aamymail, <BR>I think you should plan A and be as open as you can be without LBing when/if he opens up to you. During my H's A we did not have sex for 6 months. It was he!!'s torture! I have always had a greater sex drive then he did and I was going nuts. For the next year and a half I got duty f***s, too, but only about once a month! Once I started plan-Aing (didn't know it was called plan A) it got a little better. Still not enough but at least it usually felt real. Then we really opened up to each other and it has been fireworks ever since. Part of it was that I attacked him trying to erase OW. But I think the reason it's still going good is because we really started to communicate. I know it's hard to be sweet when you're frustrated but you catch more flies with honey.......

hi mrs,<BR>thanks for your reply. how did you open up to each other? how do i keep my cool with plan a when i do it for a couple of days and get nothing in return, but fake smiles and pity. i guess i have to do it longer hu? how long did you do it before he opened up, and did you find out, or did he confess affair.<BR>aamymail

Hi, Sweetie.<P>I know you didn't address the last question to me, but I just had to jump in...<P>You plan A for a LIFETIME! It's not "sucking up", it's not being nice to him until you get what you want. It's a complete and absolute change in attitude and work to become the most wonderful person that you can be, for your husband, for your marriage, for all your relationships, but most of all, for yourself! You can't fake this stuff. If you're just "acting" nice so that you can "turn him around", he'll feel it and see through it in a heartbeat. And you won't accomplish a thing...not for your marriage and not for you.<P>Time to get real, Honey. You're not fixing just your marriage, you're improving your life! Read EVERYTHING you can on this site!<P>Love and prayers,<P>Lori

Hi,<P>I think a lot of us, probbly most, have gone thru this or are going thru this. I had the exact same story. Wore all kinds of enticing loungerie, but same thing - felt worse after being with him. I knew he was just picturing himself with the OW when he was with me. I couldn't stand sleeping with him because I'd be up do to my lack of sleep and he'd be moaning in his sleep. I just sat there many nights and waited to see if he'd blurt out a name.<P>What I can say is get checked. And I mean get a type specific blood test (not the swab tests because lots of time they don't detect anything). Don't ignore any physical signs and discount it as him not bathing - lots of people out there have herpes and don't even know it, and he could be messing with someone who has it and either isn't telling or doesn't know for sure. The only problem is that once you get checked and if you find out there's something, well, there's not much you can do about it then - so be prepared for the worse. Hopefully it is just his hygeine, but from now on do not have sex with him again unless there's a raincoat! Believe me, I wish I had taken my own advice.<P>------------------<BR><BR>Kathy

Hi aamymail,<BR>Well first of all, H had multiple A's over aperiod of 13 years. All but the last PA, we were apart for one reason or another and I rationalized for him, even though he lied and denied them. The last A brought out all the baggage. It started in March 99 and I found out something was up the first week of April 99 when I found his wedding ring in the box. H would come home 4-5 hours late, say he was working but I could smell alcohol and sometimes OW on him (talk about gross!!!!). I was very busy with a 2 year old(son) and a 10 month old(daughter). The docs thought my daughter had excess fluid around her brain and I took her to specialists and for an MRI (they had to knock her out). She checked out fine but it was a tense time to say the least. I was also working and going to school. I didn't have much time to devote to detective work about the A. I went about my business for awhile, felt like a single mom. After arguing (very ugly) and trying to be understanding didn't work, I just ignored him and focused on me and the kids. If he didn't come home, what could I do about it anyway? was my thinking. I asked him to leave and he refused. H ended the A in Oct. 99, but they worked together and did occasionally talk until Oct. '00. Between about August 99 and Oct '00, we had some good times but there was distance. H still denied ever having this A, but I knew and told him I knew he had done something. In Oct '00 I had surgery and the day after I checked the e-mail and found he was having an internet thing. We'd only had the puter 3 weeks!!!! I confronted him and we fought all day. H tried to say it must've gotten in our e-mail on accident it wasn't him. I said bull and told him if he wanted this life to get out and not look back. Well after much yelling and tears he came clean. Over the next few days, I heard just about everything. A lot of it was untrue, to minimize what he had done or who she really was. H didn't want to tell me he worked with her cuz he thought I'd make him quit his job. I would've but she moved to a different office in August 99. He had told so many lies that I wanted to talk to her. I did. Based on what she told me (H had said I was dead) I wanted out. Not worth saving. Well, he went to counseling and has been trying his butt off ever since. He is accountable for all his time, I don't have to ask. He opens up, at first it was cuz he had to but now he sees how much closer we are because of it. We are basically plan Aing each other now, I guess.<P>It took a really long, really rough time to get this far. And during the A he was very nasty and verbally abusive to me. Even pushed me around the kitchen one night. I'm not a big enough person to have plan a'd then, even if I had known about it. The only reason I didn't leave was that I didn't want OW in my house. (Too much pride or possessiveness?) I guess by ignoring him I let it "run it's course" but it was not easy. I didn't sleep (I still don't do it well), I lost 30 pounds that summer. I still have what I'm finding out are anxiety attacks. With so many A's and OW all hitting at once, the triggers are everywhere. H realized, partially by reading another board like this--Peggy V's, what he was doing to us and me. It's been a long hard road and sometimes I still can't see the end. Looking back, I can't believe I/we made it this far.