I have a situation my H calls a "friendship" and I call and A. He divorced his ex (NO KIDS) in 1994 & we started going out. They needed to sell the mutal house, so I could see the need to talk. It sold quickly. I could understand that withdrawal takes a while too. He promised it me was over, so I believed him. In 1995 I did an internship in about 5 hours away and we commuted each weekend. I moved back in 1996 and lo! The ex is still calling him, hanging up in my face and beling very nasty on the phone to me. I told him and he ignored me. I had him write her a certifed letter stating he did not want her to contact him ever again for ANY reason. He promised me it was 100% over and he would not contact her either. I believed him. Last Feb, she is still paging him. Her number is on our caller ID.I answer she hangs up, so I call her back. She's snippy and says it's about "business". I tell her all joint accounts closed in 1993. I try to go along with H to a computer expo, but he picks a fight. Later, I find a screen print with her e-mail address, credit card#, phone info datedfor that day. Seems like he made a side trip he didn't want me along on. I confronted him about breaking his promise and side trip. He says "it was a stupid promise" and he "didn't feel like keeping it". She is "just a friend". Once again,I told him how hurt and disrespected I felt. He has refused to break it off with her saying she only calls him once in a while & it is not a real "relationship". I have asked him what needs she meets that I don't. He says there might be someone from "the past" who might need to contact him some day. Really? What about the internet, or his mom, who has lived in the same house, same phone for over 25 years? Somebody is going to wake up one day and say "Gosh! We haven't heard from Steve in over 10 years. Let's call him today"??? Now I am sitting wondering when it will be the next time she calls and he has to sneak off to be with her. Oh, he swears there is no sex anymore. I feel like he is violating "forsaking all others" by dishonestly being with another woman, sex or not. Am I jealous and insecure for wanting him to stop ALL conatct with his ex? I don't mainatain relationships with my old boyfriends or ex-husband (he chose to disappear). I feel like a focus should be on the present not hanging onto the past. Thanks for any thoughts you share.<P>------------------<BR>

Well, we can definiltely say he isn't being honest to you. Which makes you think -Why? It is to do what he wants...What really bothers me is the way she treats you- and he allows this...My H was always that way- Dishonest, letting friends disrespect me...I was not the priority- and he had an A---If he is defending her over you- there is something wrong with that. I am one of those who believe after a relationship ends the person move on. There were feelings there before and I really don't think it takes much to have them again.. Lying to you to see a friend is not necessary unless there is something to hide!

AmeliaJW:<P>It seems like he has unfinished business with her. Emotional business. She acts like she has "first dibs" because of the history. He's playing you. I have no advice. <P>How long have you been married? <P>Are you really married? I mean in the emotional and spiritual sense. His actions seem like those of a single guy. When they don't "feel" married they act and think single. I'll quote one of my H's famous lines: "You have no right to dictate my friendships." Sound familiar?<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited February 09, 2001).]

Thanks. It sounds like we're married to clones. I keep hoping between Retouvaille & counseling we can work things out.