Hello,<BR>This is my first post here. I having been reading many of your posts and I thought I would post with a question that seems to be my major sticking point. <BR>My story in brief is much like all of the BS. Married for 8yrs with 2kids. About 11/2 ago my H descide that he no longer loved me, he was at the same time starting his a relationship with a girl at work. Well for over a year he went back and forth with wanting to stay wanting to leave, all the time having an on/off affair with this girl. Of Course I asked and he denied, he lied and lied, was overall withdrawn and heartless. We attended couseling this whole time and I was also pregnant during this time. He would make promises and profess his love, then say he changed his mind. Well I eventually found out and he begged to work it out. We tried reconcilliation for about 8 months but we are now seperated. Part of the problem was that he is an alcholic and he is now getting help. <BR>However, Here is my question. I just can not look at him the same way. I love him, but I just can not seem to love him the way I used to. He is trying, but again I will always know that he was capable of doing what he did , and I do not respect him as a result. <BR>I can understand how he was tempted by the affair. I know that we had started to drift apart. I know he has major addiction and self-esteem issues. I also know that I must not have been meeting all his needs. <BR>My dilema remains. My H never told me of his needs, I do not think he even knew what they were, therefore I really could not meet them. When he did state them I went out of my way to meet them to no avail. You see I really do understand why he had the affair, but I can not get past what he had to ignore and the cruelty that resulted from it. <BR>We married young so I understand how he might have felt that he missed out. I even told him that if he wanted to "take a break" or be on his own he could. Even if this meant seeing other people I could have delt with that better than the lies and deception. I do not understand why he did not justlet me go. He says that all along he knew that he did not want to lose me, but found it acceptable to degrade and destroy me. So now I am left seeming unable to respect him and regain that deep love and admiration that I once felt. Do the WS have any insight here. I do not want to break up my family and I do care about my H, however I feel stuck. Perhaps it will take more time I am do not know???

~Joyful~<P>Meeting your husbands *needs* while he is an alcoholic ?????<P>IMPOSSIBLE! It cannot be done by you .... or any other woman! These are the *needs* of a non-recovering alcoholic:<P>Deny problems<BR>Blame others<BR>Liquify responsibility<BR>Cut corners<BR>Avoid accountability<BR>Self-medicate<BR>Feel sorry for self<BR>Feel angry at others<BR>Make grandiose plans<BR>Fear facing reality<BR>Remain addolescent<P><BR>*THESE* are the *needs* of an alcoholic husband *you* were not able to meet...... and why would you want to?<P>Free yourself from feeling responsible for any of this. Let him do his own alcoholic recovery ...... if he does stay IN TREATMENT (not just stay sober) for up to a year ..... then, darling Joyful, you will have the opportunity to meet legitimate needs of your darling husband. Be supportive of his alcoholic recovery, be nice, friendly, but do not accept blame that belongs on his shoulders. By accepting the blame of an alcoholic...... you DENY THE ALCOHOLIC the blessing of making his way himself and finally *growing up*<P>Believe me ...... I know of which I speak!<BR>ALANON ........ get on the phone and find a group!<BR>"It works if you work it"<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*<p>[This message has been edited by Yesterday (edited February 09, 2001).]