Maybe I'm confused dazed2, what are you saying to let go of? you gave a lot of definitions for letting go- I asked if what I was feeling is dependency- you said- co-dependency?? I feel like I love my H, but am I in Love? Especcially after youve read all the other threads of mine. Please explain.<P>Also, I want to touch on something else, why do I feel like sometimes that spending the rest of my life with my H will not be exciting? Like all of the excitement is gone and can never be rekindled. The only thing left is to have kids, then what? Just live day by day and raise the family? Nothing to look forward to, it sounds depressing. He is a wonderful man, and would hate to give him up for something that may or may not be out there, thats why I am hanging on to him, this sounds terrible doesnt it? I'm afraid of getting so bored that I will fall into depression and thats why starting fires seem so appealing, for the excitement.. HELP<P>CF

I only have a few minutes so I will leave you with something Charles Swindoll said...<P>"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one thing we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that live is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."<P>Now this is easier said than done!! I can honestly say that it took me being where you are and things getting a whole lot worse leading down a real rough road and using everything inside of me to get back for me to finally be able to apply this. I can only hope through the resources that you are exploring, and your sincere desire to get thru this and make your life and marriage better(that desire is pretty evident, despite how your feeling)that you wont have to travel that road before seeing the light.<P>Gotta run. I will post again tommorrow.<p>[This message has been edited by dazed2 (edited February 15, 2001).]

I want to preface this by saying I am not judging you nor do I mean any disrespect and it does seem that you are seeking help, which takes humility. You do seem lost. Yet you are so very into YOU! Do you realize how many times you have said I in your posts. You don't like it when your H looks at other women, yet you are out flirting with other men. You wish your H would get a degree, be intellectual, be more fun, meet your needs. So what are you doing for him. Usually people who are unfulfilled and unhappy are so because they are insecure and not self fulfilled. Please do not miss understand me, I am not trying to insult you. You ask questions like what if my married life is borning, well that depends allot on whether or not YOU take the time and effort to create excitement and fun. It seems you want a answer to YOUR problems. Your H should make you happy, wrong you make you happy and then you can share that happiness with others. So lets say you think the grass is greener on the other side, you go there and maybe it is green, but then you spot what you think is an even greener hill. Well you can live this way and many people do, check the high divorce rate and the even higher second marriage divorce rate. I have a friend who has lived her life this way. She divorced for the 4th time and is now alone. However, she now realizes absolutly no one could have made her happy because for one she did not know what real happiness and love were, second she did not know who she was, and third she was never happy with just herself. So perhaps instead of spending all this time and energy critiquing your marriage, pour it into making yourself a better person. Becoming a better wife instead of a wanted a better H. Well that is just my long winded two sense worth. I realize I sound preachy and I do not wish to be condescending or mean. I hope you understand and I admire your desire.<BR>joyful

joyful- we are all here to learn, and by getting enough influence,other peoples point of view, I can make sense of this, this is why I ask questions, to get HELP, and No, it is not all about me, I am simply telling you how I feel at the present time. My H and I have been to counseling. My H is completely happy and has no complaints, I make sure of that!! He has everything he could hope for. I know this by him telling me and questionnaires we have both completed. I work full time, go to college, exercise on occasion, read lots and lots of books, listen to audio tapes and read more books by Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D,when I'm not reading Men are from Mars, women from Venus. So, what more about myself can I work on??? I cant help that I am jealous, I am overcoming that by telling my husband that if he looks, than it's okay for me to look. Anyway, do you really think if I was contemplating divorcing my husband I would have begged him to take me back?? Would I be discussing this? NO! I know that he is ALL THAT, except for communication, we are working on together, but these other feelings are MY feelings that I am trying to find an answer to. Would you like to add anything?<BR>CF

Hi CF, <P>You stated in your last post:<P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by can't forget:<P>My H is completely happy and has no complaints, I make sure of that!! He has everything he could hope for. I know this by him telling me and questionnaires we have both completed. I work full time, go to college, exercise on occasion, read lots and lots of books, listen to audio tapes and read more books by Barbara DeAngelis Ph.D,when I'm not reading Men are from Mars, women from Venus. So, what more about myself can I work on??? <P>What I am hearing that is that you are a busy woman. You are doing a lot of things and it is good to keep busy. But what are you doing for your H's needs? Where is the care and natural affection? Not to get mushy but a simple hug, quick peck on the cheek, show some affection. Is you H feeling or appreciating the benefit from all your reading, excercising, etc.? Don't deliberately set you & your H on the course many of us have had to travel with our WS. It is just not worth it!!!!<P>Your previous comments indicate that you did leave your H after you 'gained self confidence and decided to look for greener pasture'. My H was also looking for 'greener pasture'. He found it and it had 'green weeds' and some bare spots where no grass would grow and now he is having to live on those bare dead spots and among the weeds. <P>Have you considered what kind of scar this situation has left on you H? What part have you played in his healing process? <P>If and when my H comes back, I know that both our needs require attention not just the WS. Focusing on the needs and wants of our families can keep us pretty busy. Leaves little time for wandering eyes. However, if you are very time efficient, there are many others that can benefit from assistance. Befriending a child of a single parent, a single mom, community work etc., can fill a day. There are many ways to redirect your energy and desire to do good.<P>I respect you for speaking you mind. Honesty is important. I am just giving you my thoughts. <P>Aloha.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by can't forget:<BR><B>Sometimes I think there is someone else out there to fulfill my needs better. The more knowledge I absorb, I feel like I can fit the bill of a man that is more successful than my H.</B><P>Well, where is your hubby coming up short? Pardon me for being blunt, but you seem to have a sort of spreadsheet approach to this, so I get the feeling that you aren't really in love, so maybe there is work to be done there. Are you happy in the financial support areas? Attractive Mate? <P>

CF...Alot of what Joyful wrote has merit. I know how you feel when you are asking yourself if this is as good as life gets. I know how enticing those "fires" are. The intensity, the excitement, the intrique. It can consume you! What you basically are living by "lighting those fires"(Been there done that)is you are living the 1st stage of a relationship with different people whenever you get the chance...the "in love", head over heals excitement of love. Where both of you show only your good side of yourself, where you are on a high when you are in touch with them...it's not real world! its fantasy land...Infatuation??? Those feelings are temporary in all relationships...your husband and your marriage cant compete with those feelings. So you were asking...Is this all there is? Is this as good as it gets? YUP! IT IS! It is as good as you make it, You had these feelings for your husband in the beginning, you BOTH can work to get them back. The grass isnt greener! You are not responsible for another persons happiness any more than they are responsible for yours...YOU have to make YOU happy.<P>Let me back up to the Codependancy bit I posted, sorry I didnt mean to imply that maybe one of you had a substance abuse problem, it is just that some of the dependant characteristics can apply if you are looking for someone else or something else to give you happiness or contentment. That is what has to be "Let go". Alot of that post, anyone and everyone could derive something from it to positively affect there life, not just codependants.<P><p>[This message has been edited by dazed2 (edited February 15, 2001).]

CF,<P>The grass is greenest where you water it.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Can't Forget,<P>Sorry I did not respond yesterday but I only get to the boards about once day. <BR>Basically it comes down to one simple thing; you reap what you sew! The reason I responded to you in the first place is because you seem to be going through the same thing my H did. He let it get away from him and it has destroyed him and it was the sadness thing to see. It is so very hard to watch a person become everything they never wanted to be. He too felt confused and he thought that perhaps he was missing something, he liked the attention he was getting from this girl at work, and he resented all his responsibilities. I remember him telling me that he just wanted to be happy and that he no longer had those butterfly feelings for me. He too asked for a separation and but then begged to come back. He had an affair with the girl at work, as he thought the grass was greener. Everyone, who really cared, told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life. He also told me that he had no complaints that I was the perfect wife and he really had everything he had ever wanted. Yet he was not happy, why because he was not happy with himself. I told him if leaving would make him happy then leave- that did not make him happy. As I said he thought that this girl would bring happiness, so he risked his job, his marriage and his family. Turns out she was a huge loser. She had already slept with half the other guys at work and was still sleeping with her boyfriend when she was professing her love to my H. She gave us both a disease, while I was pregnant with our son. When he broke it off with her she turned Psycho threaten him, his job, me and even our children. He finally had to tell his bosses at work and lost all the respect and honor he had worked for. Our marriage has suffered greatly and so have our children- all this he must live with and face everyday for the rest of his life. It was such a huge huge waste of a good man. However, I guess he needed to learn this for himself it is just sad that he had to do so the very HARD way. There were times when I sat back and seem to be watching a chicken running around with it's head cut off. He was an emotional wreck and has caused himself so much unnecessary pain and anguish.<BR>We are working on things now and he is getting help, but what an uphill battle he has created for himself, all because he keep looking for happiness everywhere but inside. He used temporary quick fixes. That is why I ask you are you working on yourself. It is commendable all that you are doing, furthering your education, reading, counseling and working out. However what are your true motives. Are you working out to look better so you get more attention so you can feel better about yourself- perhaps you should spend time on being beautiful inside. Instead of looking for compliments or attention give it to others. Take the girl at the gym who is overweight and tell her how good she is looking and doing, instead of flirting with some guy. Why even look to see if the grass is greener? Why not re-seed your the grass in your very own back yard. You say your H is very happy. Yet you think he does not notice you seeking attention. You think that he felt good when you asked for a separation. <BR>Your marriage is not suppose to make you feel good, you are suppose to make your marriage good. What is love to you? Is it conditional. Do you only feel in love when you a feeling good. <BR>Do not get me wrong I have made more than my fair share of mistakes and I too am struggling to find a truer real sense of happiness within myself. It is so true that your attitude plays huge role in how fulfilling your life can or won't be. It is easy to get stuck in the self-pity trap, I know I am great at it, but this gets you no where. There are many many times where I end up dragging myself down dwelling on my self and my problems instead of being grateful for all that I have. It is a daily struggle but when I check my motives and go to give a good time instead of getting one then I am at ease and joyful.<P>You are a smart lady and I respect your willingness to share your thoughts and troubles. <P>Joyful<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Just Learning:<BR><B>The grass is greenest where you water it.L</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Also, over the septic tank.<P>

Thanks for all that you've shared. To the person who said I should give my H a hug and peck, BOY- DO I EVER?? He gets more than that everyday!! He does not go without!!! I have spent my every day back home trying to make it up to him for the separation, He does not doubt my love cause he has told me this. And I honestly believe he knows I will not leave again. The trouble is, He hasnt told me what his feelings were when I left. He doesnt like to talk about that whole situation, says he tries not to think about it. He is one to just "move on", I am having the difficulty moving on. Yes, I have shared things with Male friends, but not intimatly, however, him being intimate with someone besides me drives me nuts! Anyway, my point is , my H is not EVER neglected emotionally nor sexually. <BR>CF

A time will come in your life when you finally get it...When in the middle of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and a voice inside your head says ENOUGH! Enough fighting and struggling and trying to make sense of it all. You begin to look at the world differently. You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that your husband is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of peace is found thru acceptance. You realize that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are.. and that's OK. They are entitled to their own opinions. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. And you begin to sift through all the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should be in life, and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living,or what you owe your parents. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and joy in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not outdated but the foundation of your life. You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO(sometimes to yourself). You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, and how to give in love. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto your relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man you have. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change so it is with love.... and you learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms ...just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely... And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up." <BR>You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you should'nt settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of your husband to touch you...and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play(I have kids). You learn that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve ... and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success in anything you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help just as everyone here at MB has done. You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to, good people. when this kind of thing happens you learn not to take it to heart. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life. And you learn to deal with evil...your ego. You learn that negative feelings like anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison your world. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls(Like you are trying to do now) You learn to be thankful in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people can only dream about; food, water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. You begin to take responsibility for yourself by and makeing yourself a promise to never betray yourself or your marriage and to never ever settle for less than your heart's desire. Make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every possibility that your life has. Good luck.(This is more or less how it happened to me...I don't know if it is the norm)<P><p>[This message has been edited by dazed2 (edited February 15, 2001).]

Wow, that sounded straight out of a book!! Hope I can remember all of that- sounded good. Anyway, I hear you and I am listening. I am here to tell you (everyone) how I feel. I seem confused! I am confused! Just as I was leaving class earlier, I had a sudden thought that I felt like I was being kept from doing everything I dream of doing. Being free if you will, but I love My H, and I want him to be there with me, but yet , still, the other is so appealing ( the new, exciting,enticing OM) I am not pursuing anything because I love my H, but sometimes I want him to know the pain I felt when I found out about the OW. But I know this would ruin our marriage. It's just not fair!! but before anyone replys, yes, I know life is not fair! I feel sorta addicted to looking for something with excitement and being attractive to others. Maybe what I need is a psychiatrist?? : ) Well, all I can say is that my H is WONDERFUL and I know that now. He took me back after much begging though! Was he scared of me doing this again? My H is handsome, I've just been with him so long that it gets "boring" Even when we do different things together it seems so comfortable and nothing new.I ask myself" where is the excitement" Maybe its because I can already predict is response and actions to whatever we do. Unlike a different person, it would be all new. But your right, whose to say this same thing wont eventually come up with another person, it will, and so many second marriages fail, that's why I am staying committed to mine, just hope i dont get depressed in the long run.<P>CF

Try not to laugh at this one, but driving down the road yesterday I heard a great song on the radio and it made me want to just Party and get a job at a topless joint !! I just had this free bird feeling and felt like I could do anything I wanted to, then reality set in and I headed home to my married life. : D