my w has been out of the house for about one month she says she is in love with om but wants to remain close friends with me.we talk often by letter and sometimes in person we even have plans to spend time together with the kids<P>i have been plan A'ing my but off with very little positive reinforcement form her although i think our relationship as friends has improved and her last letter she actually signed it love lisa<P><BR>today her car broke down and she asked me if she could borrow mine for the night I automatically said yes because i love her and would do anything for her.<P>then i thought about it a little and i realised i was lending her my car so she could go on a date with the OM <P>Am I nuts to help her date him ?<P>anyway i asked her where she was going and to my surprise she told me.not only did she say that she was going on a date she gave me information about him that she hasn't ever wanted to talk about before.<P>she told me that he was much more financially secuer than me and she told me the town where he lived and what he did for a living....this was information that i didn't need but i listened intently and asked her what his name was..she wasn't about to give that up but why would she give me so much other information<P>she told me that if i was uncomfortable with it she would rent a car so i told her not to worry and handed over my keys<P><BR>am i being an idiot ?<P>am i making it to easy for her ?<P>how far should i take plan A<P>i still enjoy being her friend but has this gone too far ?<P>why is she so willing to give me the detials all of the sudden ?<P><BR>any opinions would be greatly appreciated<BR>

Hi, me. IMO, Plan A doesn't constitute helping your wife to 'date' OM. Plan A is purely to show your wife, with actions, that you love her. I have NEVER seen Plan A as enabling the WS to do whatever they please, especially when it goes against the covenant of marriage. I would hope that Plan A'ers see this as an opportunity to establish new healthy patterns of behavior (non-lovebusting ones) vs. the old ones. <P>I think that the WS, like your wife and my husband, cannot just be given the green light by us. I truly love my husband, but because of that, I could never sit back and see him ruin our our marriage like he was doing without some healthy opposition on my part, he knew I wasn't an accessory to his then current destructive lifestyle .<P>I have to say in all honesty, that I don't believe a vast majority of the WS's actually appreciate all of the Plan A efforts until later, and (IMO!) only if the BS has been less than giving and loving before the affair. If all along in your marriage, you were the 'giver', and you intend to Plan A, this is only doing more of the same thing that wasn't appreciated before, if that makes sense. I truly believe that the WS in many cases appreciates some boundaries being set, just like a small child needs boundaries (aren't they really like kids, sometimes?)<P>Your wife may be willing to give you so many details as of late because of your willingness to listen to her, she feels she can be more open. A good thing in MANY cases, but when it comes to her thinking of you as only a friend and no longer an intimate partner, this isn't so good.<P>I know you love her, and you sound like a very good husband. Sorry you're having to go through this.<p>[This message has been edited by Kayleigh (edited February 10, 2001).]

Me 24,<P> Good job…. Really…. You didn’t loose it and that’s the biggest part of Plan A. It also includes letting her know that you wish she wouldn’t go to see him. Plan A noes not = doormat, it just feels like it. Next time she needs something other than a hug or kiss from you, you might want to slow down a bit and consider what the motives might be. I think I would have asked her if it was an emergency because you had planned on using the car for xxxxx and made darn sure that you did xxxxx if she balks. Ahhh hindsight, best vision on the planet.<P><BR> Another view to consider is she came to you for help and not the OM. Wonder why, Ya know I heard he's show much better off and everything. Seems a little out of character for the story line. <P><BR>Hang in there,<BR>Mike<BR>