please help me. I have been with my H for 10 years, married for one and a half years. for the first 5 years of our relationship I was unfaithful 9 times (brief affairs, not very emotionally involved) and I lied about my H to everyone because I had convinced myself that he was controlling and possessive, when in fact he was not. after those years I realised that was not what I wanted, and I began to value my H properly, and loved him nore and more all the time. we got engaged and I was ecstatic. we got married and that was the happiest day of my life. I occasionally felt guilt, but pushed it aside, thinking I could make up for my actions without my H ever finding out, by being a good wife to him and giving him the life he wanted (which was also what I wanted.) However, the guilt grew and grew, coupled with the fear that one day he would find out. And I had to tell him. Yet I told in the cruellest way possible, not intentionally, but I just couldn't say it all in one go, so I took days to tell him the whole truth - there was such a lot to confess. My H was and is absolutely devastated. I have destroyed the one person I love more than anything in the world. To see him so devastated and not be able to comfort him is awful. (He understandably won't let me hold him). This was 5-6 weeks ago. At first he was upset but supportive, saying good could come out of this; but then his anger came out (understandable, I know that) and he became very depressed and asked for space. But in my selfishness and stupidity I went to him when I needed comfort, thus not respecting his wish for space, and by doing that so many times I ahve made everything even worse. It has now got to the point where he says I was torturing him, and now he has withdrawn completely. He barely speaks to me. I know now that I absolutely have to respect his wish for me to leave him alone, but I miss him so much and I am so scared that he will never love me again. I am so sorry for the things I have done and the hurt I have caused him. I would do anything to make amends. He says he doesn't know if he loves me or what will happen, but yesterday the way he looked at me frightened me, it was a look of such anger and maybe hate. He also says he doesn't believe I love him or that I want it to work. I truly do. <BR>Does anyone have any advice - is it possible for a person to forgive all that I have done? How can I let my husband know how much I love him whilst still respecting his need for space?<BR>PS we are still in the same house, but only because neither of us can afford to move out. We are seeing a counsellor together, and I am seeing a psychotherapist alone to try and work out why I behaved so terribly.

Desolate,<P>Things are slow here on the weekends so be patient and you will proabably get more answers during the week.<P>Have you read the articles on this site? Go to the just found out section and I beleive there is some links to get to them. You need to give your H time to recover form this, you should plan a as it is outlined on this site, read His needs, Her needs. Try not to be so clingy and afraid and instead work on what your issues were that led you to have affairs. You should consider counseling for yourself, or both of you if your H will go. There is also phone counseling available through this site that may be benificial to restore your marriage.<P>It is going to take time. You H was proabably devistaded by this info, and he will need time to deal with it. At this point he proabably does not have the energy to deal with it and reasure you too. So you need to work on getting stronger yourself, and beleive in your love and your marriage.<BR>Lora

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Does anyone have any advice - is it possible for a person to forgive all that I have done? How can I let my husband know how much I love him whilst still respecting his need for space?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>desolate,<BR>First of all, you are not alone. You are not a horrible person. Your situation is similar to my W. I am coming to believe that, yes, you can forgive. I'ts such a devastating thing but I do think the process your H is going through is completely normal. It sounds like what I've been going through for the past 5 months, and deep inside I want to forgive, so lets just believe that is what your H wants too.<P>Read this site. As you read more from others who have suffered this in their marriage, I think you'll see that your H is going through a grief process that we all go through. His anger is part of it and does not mean that he will certainly leave you. <P>Your H is hurting probably worse than he ever has. I'm sure you feel tremondous guilt, and want to help. As to how you can do that while he is angry, and needs space, I would suggest a few things. <P> Write to him. Write letters telling him how much you hurt over hurting him, and how you love him. Do this as often as possible while going through this phase. <P>Tell him the truth. If you need the help of a counsellor to do so fine, but your H has had repeated shocks, and will not begin to feel safe until he knows he has "reached bottom" so to speak. If you have already come clean, then good. The worst is over. <P>Show him that you are willing to go to any lengths to recover from this. It's good you are in counselling, and therapy. Anything you are doing now, unfortunately, will somehow seem to be not enough to someone suffering like your H. Show him you'll do more. Get books, start writing those letters, journal, join a self-help group, pray for guidence. With respect to you, I know that women don't have the sort of behavior you've had without some issues of abandonment, or even abuse, that you could get help with.<P>It is my W truly getting humble, and being willing to work at her own recovery that has begun to make the difference for us. <P>I see this is your first post. Stick around. When you find someone who has some insight you like, click on the little "eyeglasses" icon on the top line. This will bring up their profile, and you can then click on "search all posts" to bring their latest 200 posts. There are some wonderful people here.<P>good luck, desolate,<BR>David<p>[This message has been edited by Davidb (edited February 11, 2001).]

thankyou so much for your advice. I have tried writing a note to my H, but he wouldn't read it. I will keep trying, although I am worried that might annoy him more. also, Valentine's is coming up. i suppose there's no way of knowing whther a card and gift will push him away more, but i can't just not get him anything. I will hang in here, I know it's a matter of time as well as effort. I just miss him so much.<BR>I really appreciate your help, thankyou again.

Dear Desolate:<P>I was in your husband's shoes in 1995. I guess I'll just tell the whole story.<P>We have been together 13 years. The first couple of years were pretty volatile. I was 17 and he 21 when we met, so we were not in the best stages of life to start a healthy relationship. I got pregnant 2 1/2 years into this roller coaster and we decided initially not to get married, but eventually did so 5 months later. The first three years of our marriage were phenomenal! Somehow we became friends and he settled down from his "young guy" ways.<P>Sometime in this third year, my H lost his job. Due to our poor financial circumstances I decided to take a second job so that he could collect unemployment until he found something other than a minumum wage job (the economy was not good). I think this affected his psyche in a major way. He decided to go to this intensive workshop called "The Forum". It was basically a huge group counseling session that went four hours an evening for several evenings and culminated in an overnight session.<P>The results of this session were disasterous for our marriage and we are suffering the consequences still today. At the end of this experience, my H decided that he had to tell me of an affair he'd had prior to my getting pregnant and prior to our marriage. He thought that our marriage was strong enough to withstand the news and he needed to absolve himself of the guilt and live honestly with me. I truly believe now that his intentions were good, but I was not able to see it that way then.<P>Unfortunately, the effect on me was not good. Hearing that news felt as if it had just happened yesterday and it made me feel as if the three good years we had had were all a lie and wasted time. I think it was especially difficult because I had suspected for a long time previously that this had happened with this woman and this woman was a ***** to me. I began to hate my husband and this hate went on for two years.<P>That was my mistake. I chalk it up to lack of wisdom at this point. I punished my H for two years without looking at what I was throwing away. Had I taken the time to look at how wonderful our relationship had become and made a quick and simple decision as to whether I thought that was worth keeping, I would not be where I am today. You may wish to share this with your husband and I would be happy to respond to any questions he may wish to post to me. I understand how horrible he feels and he will need help in coping with this if he is to recover in a healthy way. I strongly suggest both of you get into counseling RIGHT AWAY!!!<P>Anyway, in 1997, I realized that my life was not good. I realized that I needed to make the decision to be happy and that if I intended to make my marriage work that I needed to forgive my husband. So, I did. It was that simple. I was driving down the freeway on a clear winter morning and I decided to forgive him and make our lives happy again. The entire world became brighter (literally!). It was amazing!<P>Well, I never TOLD my husband that I had FINALLY forgiven him. I did not think it was necessary, but now know that he needed this piece of information so that he could begin to heal. He had been enduring my punishment for two years, trying to be the model husband. By the time I had forgiven him, he had begun to give up.<P>6 weeks after I had forgiven him, I lost a very special grandparent in my life, very suddenly. I entered a major depression (although didn't know it until 2 years later) that lasted 18 months (classic). During this depression, I could give him NO love or affection and couldn't explain myself because I didn't know.<P>My husband thought I was having an affair. What other conclusion was he to draw from someone who gave him no love, no sex, and couldn't offer a reasonable explanation. AND he never knew he was forgiven. To him, this was 4 years of torture.<P>Anyway, that brings us to 1999. By this time my husband has checked himself emotionally out of this marriage, only HE didn't tell ME!! Doesn't this all sound so stupid?<P>My husband had an affair (a real, very emotional and physical one with a friend at work) and that is why I am on this board now. I guess, reading my own story, that I should forgive my husband right now and move on with our marriage, but the pain is too great all over again. Somehow I think he was stupid to allow himself to fall into an affair, knowing full and well the devastation that would occur. We'd been down that road already. He should have either told me how horrible he was feeling, or simply divorced me.<P>I hope that my story can help you and your husband now because you never know what other events are going to get in the way of recovery if you are not open and honest with each other now. I understand his pain, but if you two have had a good marriage and are good to each other, then he needs to be able to put that into perspective. He will probably feel like his life has been a lie, but that is probably not the case if you have been faithful during your marriage.<P>I hope my story can prevent some of the pain that could occur if the two of you do not come to terms with this and evaluate the current status of your marriage and relationship prior to your confession.<P>Love to you both, -LL<p>[This message has been edited by LearningLife (edited February 11, 2001).]

Desolate,<P>If you want your marriage to work, you have come to the right place!<P>I don't have experience in your particular circumstances but I do have faith in the marriage builders principles.<P>I suggest that the first thing you do ic start phone counceling with Steve Harley. you can get the info you need on this website, I'm sorry I don't have the link for that.<P>second I suggest that you immediatly go to your nearest bookstore and get your hands on, the books, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> An Affair"(SAA)</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank> Busters"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley<P>When I say immediatly I mean right now!! Read them, commit them to memory!!<P>I also in the strongest way suggest starting counceling with Steve Harley!! It is by phone but is very effective. He will put you on a specific plan to restore your marriage.<P>Read through <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A> on this website...<P>GO GET THOSE BOOKS AND MAKE THAT APPOINTMENT!!<P>Keep comming here!!<P>Read, read, read<BR>Post, post, post<BR>Reply, Reply, Reply<P>We are here for you.<P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited February 11, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited February 11, 2001).]

My HTML links are bugging out on me but the book links will take you there.<P> <BR>Bill

I agree with everyone's comments, you've been given good advice. But I also want to stress that if you are serious about changing and rebuilding your marriage, you MUST be willing to be patient with your h and HIS needs for the long haul. This isn't going to happen overnight, and it may be quite some time before he can gradually come around. Read all of the information on this site, and educate yourself to what the betrayed actually goes through, this will help you to at least understand a little what is going through your h's head right now. <P>Good luck to you both.

desolate-<BR>Hi. I actually don't have much time this morning, but I wanted to let you know there are others of us out here. You and your H are going through something terribly hard. I am also a Wayward Spouse (WS). Read as much as you can on this site, and I echo the recommendation that you read "Surviving and Affair." I, too, have seen that anger in my H's eyes. I know how scary that empty look can be, coupled with the knowledge that you have evoked those feelings. Try to be calm. His anger is normal. You have to be patient while he processes this whole thing. It will get better. There are many people out there, and many at this site, that have been through this and have saved their marriages. There is hope. The most important thing to do now is to follow NSR's advice, read, learn, post here, ask questions. Do know, first and foremost, you made some terrible mistakes, but you are human, and your mistakes do not define you as a person. You are not a terrible person. You are not alone. You can be better. You can help your marriage heal. There are other people here that have a lot of wisedom. I just wanted you to know there are other WSs here that understand your remorse, your pain and your fear.

desolate,<P>I am the BS and I never thought I would be writing this message but both my H & I have been through these rough times like many others. I would like to share what has helped me. <P>1. Reading all the write-up on this site(not just these messages) and reviewing the questionnaires. <P>2. Read Surviving and Affair & His and Her needs. Both of you reading these books will be helpful. <P>As the BS, I learned where I can help my H and I am now sharing with my H where we can both help each other. My H is a bit reluctant to read this info but I am working on that. <P>The truth does hurt, I cried, had anxiety attacks, hurt deep in my heart, became angry, sad, didn't eat or sleep for weeks when I learned of my H's affairs. But knowing the truth was better than being kept in the dark with lies and deceit. <P>As painful as it was, we could not progress as a couple interested in making our marriage work until all could come clean. I am in that stage now. Recovery and withdrawal is hard but it is progress. <P>It may sound kind of odd, but the fact that your H is confused with his emotions is a sign that there is hope. Work with someone you both trust (therapist, counselor, etc.) Communicate not just by talking but by deed. Know that sometimes you both will feel like giving up, then come here to this board and read of all the others who like all of us are working hard and fighting to save our families. <P>Share your findings with your H. When I thought my H was not listening to me at the beginning, he just told me last night that he remembered what I had been saying in between my tears and anger. That thought comforts me today. <P>Take Care & don't give up. <P>Aloha.<P>2/27/01<BR>PS: I wrote this when I first started and I accidently said I was the WS, but I meant I am the BS. Big difference. Maybe my posts makes more sense now. Sorry!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited February 28, 2001).]