I need to get over the arrogance that some one thing I do could turn this all around and bring my H back. It is driving me crazy.<P>Today is my MIL birthday and she invited me to go to brunch with the family including seperated H. Now I remember Xmas when I was at her house and H came and it was uncomfortable and I wanted to die and swore I would never do that again. But then again after that he and I talked and he told me he was trying to break it off with OW. So after the pain I got a little hope thrown in too.<P>So I had a hard time decieding what to do. I finally said no I wouldnt go, but I am still second guessing myself. I dont want that pain, but maybe it would make it easier for him. I guess maybe I need to keep worring about me and stop focusing on making it easy for him. I think I have done all I can to make him know that I am open to reconcilliation. If he can never get up the courage to make the first step, our future doesnt have much hope anyway, right?<P>So here I sit, pictureing them all at brunch.<BR>I need to get a life.<BR>Lora

I don't have much in the way of advice, but I can empathize. I liked how you put it - "the arrogance that some one thing I do could turn this all around and bring my H back" - because I've been feeling the same way. My H also keeps tossing me bones to keep my hope alive, but then changes his mind and makes no move to come back while blaming me for everything wrong with our marriage. Almost any contact with H seems painful now because of my expectations.

You know, as mixed up as you might be feeling about not going it may just send him a message. He does what he wants and then throws you these little bones every now and then. He knows that it gets your hopes up and maybe some part of him is trying to do the right thing. Right now, while he's in the fog, he wont do the right thing. By you not showing up, he might get a message that you are not going to wait around for his table scraps. Yes, you want him. But I am sure you made it clear to him what the circumstances would be. So, possibly by not being there today, he will see that you have your limits.<BR>Take your mother in law for a private breakfast or lunch to celebrate. You will enjoy it more.<P>cleo

Lora,<P> <BR>You know I am here to support you. beth

Lora,<P>I don't have any advice about this but I know how you are feeling well. My in-laws didn't invite me when my H would be there, but when H was out of town they always invited me. But I didn't feel well about it.. because that wasn't the way of support I wanted. And even if I didn't see my H I always got so depressed afterwards. So for me I'm cutting of anything with my in-laws.<P>On the other hand you still want to be with your H so if you can be strong enough to put up with your mood swing after seeing your H at your in-law's place I think it will be good for you to be there.<P>I hope you are doing well, and try to get as much as support you can get.<P>Hugs,<P>Meg

Hey lora, long time no hear. I am struggling with the decision of plan A or B. You may have noticed that I asked my H to move out, and he did last Tues. It has been a gruelling week. But I know it was the right thing to do.<P>The thing I am confused on is that he is not calling here even for the kids, but is continuing to babysit for me still on Mondays and Wedsnesdays. I saw him at church today and it was really weird, because it ended up being family dervice so we did not sing in the choir because my son was singing in his choir, we even sat together(on either side of my Daughter.) then after we daid goodbye and that was it. I am not bugging him, and I have made no calls to him.<P>What plan are you actually on? I have been trying to figure it out, but I can't. Could you clue me in, now that I have entered your realm? thanks. I really need the advice. I don't want to blow it now!<P>Beth

Letstry,<BR>I know, its so hard not to have expectations. And even when I swear i dont have them it hurts anyway.<P>Cleopatra,<BR>I know it was better for me not to be there, I'm not sure he would miss me tho... proably was just glad.<P>Beth,<BR>Thanks!<P>MF,<BR>I keep thinking I should have less contact with my inlaws, but thats hard too. I have loved them for awhile as well. And I am lonely.<P>Beth,<BR>Well, I have never sent a plan B letter. I thought it was foolish to send one and tell him not to call when he never called! So I guess I have tried to do Lostvas longdistance plan A... Letters, but not calling him except 3 times for a specific reason.... Waiting for him to call me..... and still waiting. I am considering a plan B letter after we do our taxes. I did see that you have asked him to move out. I know its hard, but is is less tense isnt it? I hope you are doing OK.<BR>Lora

Lora, I do so understand all you are feeling... Do you and your husband have any children? I am having a hard time because I know that the plans created by and the stats cited by most successful therapists are primarily for couples with children. It is so much easier for society to dismiss the importance of marriage when there are no kids involved, and to be quite honest about it, it makes me feel very sad, and a little sick.<P>You said: "I thought it was foolish to send one and tell him not to call when he never called!" I have looked at it exactly this way - that it was pretty ridiculous to deny him access to something that he didn't want. Does that make them want you? I just don't see it... and even Dr. Harley admits that his successes are couples with children.<P>Well, maybe you should take what I say with a grain of salt ... as WhoDat has pointed out over on my latest thread, where am I?<P>:: this really sucks, and it makes me so frustrated that one person gets to decide the ending of a relationship between two people. Society supports it ("you can't make someone love you.") and the law supports it (you don't see too many divorce petitions denied because one person wants to save the marriage, do you?). Some days I wish that all divorce lawyers and judges and legislators could feel one tenth of the agony that we feel when our spouses decide for us that our marriage are over.<P>Yikes ... I am sure sounding negative aren't I? Well, sometimes, I think I deserve a good wallow! And I am sure wallowing tonight. <P>Hugs to you, Lora... he is arrogant enough to think that he has the right to end your marriage, so you have the right to be arrogant enough to believe it can be saved!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>